The Wise Tongue

Driving along the highway in route to a Christmas Eve extended family gathering, I stared out the window in anticipation of the arrival to my aunt’s house, where we would be greeted by the sound of all of the great grandchildren giggling and cavorting, the smell of the Christmas tree and homemade pie, and the warm embraces from loved ones not seen for months. Christmas Eve gatherings have been a tradition in our family for years and a night we all eagerly await.

However, through the years, I have watched the gatherings morph and take on the image of whatever the condition of the family ties are in that season. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worst. As with many families, there have been years where drama has become the hostess of the reunion, with her counterparts gossip and negativity handing out the hor d’ourves. There have been years where certain families have refrained from attending, other years where disagreements left a sour mouth in the taste of many, and some that included tearful conversations behind closed doors in hopes to make amends.

To be honest, in the past, I always struggled with knowing how to handle these ruffling encounters.

How do you walk into an atmosphere that’s been saturated with tense or toxic conversations and bring peace?

Maybe you too find yourself preparing for tense, emotional, or toxic family gatherings this year. For this reason, it is crucial that we carry wisdom with us, and not just wisdom alone, but also the Balm of Gilead.

You see the Balm of Gilead was traditionally used for healing and soothing ailments and was highly sought after. We know that Jesus Christ was our living Balm of Gilead, and because he lives in us, we ought to therefore be carriers of this balm, applying it to all the hurt and broken as we share his love with them.

However, there’s just one barricade we face: our flesh. Our flesh would rather stonewall, argue, avoid, or participate in gossip than speak truth in love, forgive, support, and guard our ears.

This year, I believe God wants to give us wise tongues and soft hearts that reset the atmosphere of our family gatherings. Here are three practical areas where we can use our tongues to speak wisdom, truth, and love.

Gossip — (Ephesians 4:29)

Something about gossip attracts even more gossip, doesn’t it? You hear whispering in the corner of the room, and instantly your mind envisions the drama and becomes curious about what is being disclosed. As sinful people, we are often drawn to the disgraces and shortcomings of others, for the simple reason of the superiority or connection we gain when communing at the table of tittle-tattle.

If we are to keep ourselves from hurtful, condemning conversations, we must be willing to do the bold. We must be willing to speak back to the gossip with “only such as is good for building up”. Want to watch gossip end quickly? Respond not with affirmation but instead with something pleasant, uplifting, and contradictory to the current tone. When Aunt Susan starts talking about Uncle Martin’s drinking problem, respond with your recollection of his kind heart and how you’ve been praying for him and believing for his freedom. We must be willing to reset the direction or walk away.

Negativity — (Philippians 4:8)

A negative word will bring the entire crowd down with it. When family, political, or social situations have left everyone with the thought of “let’s just get through 2020”, it’s easy for conversations to keep ending on low notes. Not to mention many families have at least one “negative Nancy” in the bunch who acts as the musical director of the whine choir.

In these situations, we must be defenders of the honorable, just, pure, and lovely, refusing to entertain conversations that are weapons of negativity, often speaking things into existence. We must attack pessimism with goodness, and refrain from engaging in the downward spiral.

Arguments — (2 Timothy 2:23–25)

In a year where there is no shortage of controversial topics to dwell on, this can be a recipe for social disaster. In the words of Paul, these are “foolish, ignorant controversies” that “breed quarrels”. When Uncle Bob harshly declares his views on the election and mask-wearing, the air in the room is sure to get heated quickly. No good will come of this.

Knowing the political atmosphere is tense, we must commit to taking no place in these divisive conversations. If we are to actually bring healing and truth to our families, the answer is to do so in unwavering kindness, patience, and gentleness.

Friends, this year, I truly believe we can all change the atmosphere in our homes, but we must enter with the Balm and not a baseball bat. Today let us ask God to grant us a wise tongue that will change toxicity into tenderness.

Author: Ashlee Kasten