Where the F am I staying in LA next week? And other things I’m worrying about on July 4th — Day 4

This is maybe something I should have figured out sooner.

WWLED — what would little Edie do in times like these?

Happy July 4th!

Kristen and I are sitting at my coworking space, finishing up a little work before we head up to the rooftop to watch fireworks. Today I’m not feeling my best. My stomach’s been feeling weird all day and I’m not sure why — it might have to do with the bucket of liquor I drank at a yacht party last night or the gross bar food I ate on my way home. Probably both. The stress of this impending trip is also starting to feel a little too real. I’m leaving my home and I haven’t even figured out a place to stay for the first week I’m in Los Angeles. I leave on Saturday. The clock is ticking.

I feel like there is so much to do before I even go and not enough time to do it all. This is a recurring theme in my life. I never feel like I have “enough time” to complete the tasks on my plate, but I’ve been consciously looking into that excuse — do I really not have enough time or am I just bad at planning shit? I feel like there are a mountain of things I have to do before I leave. I’ve got to go to Jersey tomorrow to get my hair done, shop for travel stuff, and somehow sort through my black hole of a bedroom and closet to figure out what to pack for five weeks of wandering. Lots of people been hitting me up to “see me before I leave” as if I’m never coming back. Today, this whole thing feels like less of an adventure and more of a burden. If I wasn’t taking this trip, I’d probably be on the grind for a new babysitting job in NYC. This doesn’t feel like the right time to take a vacation or go “find myself” through traveling.

I’m constantly battling with myself to stay on the positive side of the coin. In the weeks leading up to this, I’ve felt excited and proud of myself for creating work in a new place that I have wanted to visit for a very long time. Now I’m kind of feeling dumb and unprepared, wondering if I should have planned this better or saved more money to keep myself afloat. I obviously wouldn’t have planned this trip if I did not feel there was an important reason for doing so. But those negative voices always have a way of creeping back into my head. Should you really be going to California right now? How are you going to pay for all of this? Shouldn’t you be trying to get a job? Where are you even going to stay? I can’t turn my brain off.

I’ll be in LA for two weeks and in the second week, I will be by myself. I’ll be staying a few days with a high school friend and another couple days with a fantastic girl I met at a wedding in May who has offered me her couch and a trip to Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles during my visit. But finding a place to stay during my first week has proven more difficult. I’ll be with two friends. We’re all pretty broke. We’ve also waited til the last minute to find a place.

I am wavering between having faith that everything will work out and freaking the fuck out. When I go into a black hole spiral of doubting myself and everything around me, it’s very difficult to climb out of it. I’ve been feeling so overwhelmed this week, which then makes it difficult for me to even do all these things that I need to do before I go. I’ve been looking at my to-do list and feeling dread, not motivation.

Before I leave, I’ll be cat sitting for the travel editor of CNN in her quiet little studio in Brooklyn. Today I met up with her to get the keys and she wrote me out a little page of things she thinks I should do in LA. High up on her list was to get a full body scrub at a Korean spa (“You get naked and a lady in her underwear scrubs all your skin off, it’s amazing.”), to get a pastry from Huckleberry, and to check out the Museum of Jurassic Technology. My talk with her today calmed my travel anxiety a bit and got me excited again for my trip. Nobody wants their all their skin scrubbed off more than me. But as of right now, in this mindset that I’m in, I’m just not sure how I’m going to make it through the next couple days to even get on the plane to see all this great stuff she’s talking about.

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Welcome to Day 4of 7/17in750! I’m challenging myself to complete and publish a daily journal entry from my writing at 750words.com for the entire month of July. Read the introduction to the project here.

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