The Impact of Birth Order
by Steve Joel
Last week, I was in a conversation with an individual I am co-consulting with. After hearing her ideas on how we should attack the work, I asked her if she was first born? Her response was to ask me if it was that obvious. To me, her desire to confidently take charge, despite my seniority, was the key.
As a first-born married to a first-born, it has been interesting to observe myself and interact with others that have similar or different traits and styles than I do. While not an exact science nor wholly predictable, leaders understanding birth order can use it as a tool to build greater understanding of differences and can leverage this with an individual’s strengths to establish a strong team culture. As leadership success is often predicated on the quality of relationships established with team members, knowledge of birth order can be a tool.
We know that those born first in a traditional family are often parent pleasing achievers and bossy with some perfectionism. Second born children are often more rebellious, independent and competitive while the middle child exhibits a sense of independence and being strategic in how to receive attention, since they are no longer the “baby” of the family. These children often become master negotiators in order to gain favors. There is much written about the middle child.
Often, when I am speaking to groups on leadership development I ask participants where they sit in the order as a precursor to having them understand the importance of learning about the people whom they work with. Then, I ask about their own children and their family experiences. I relate that many parents often believe they have found the secret to having perfect children after they have their first, only to realize that the second is far more challenging with a much different personality. The mistake we sometimes make as parents and leaders is in gravitating toward the personality most like ourselves and sometimes avoiding or attempting to alter those that are unlike us. I have found that embracing and understanding differences can make us stronger and provide more latitude for others to develop solutions in their own way.
It is important for leaders to populate their teams with individuals possessing different strengths and approaches to the work. When hiring, I probe deeply to discover more about the candidate and whether they would be a fit for the team that is assembled. While it might seem counter-intuitive to bring in personality differences, it is truly how we and the team grow and develop. How a person has grown up, where they are in the birth order, what they believe they are exceptional at doing and what might be their own areas for growth, play a key role in my decision. High performing teams interact well with and learn from each other.
Two first-born spouses can be a recipe for discomfort, but other factors come into play. Fortunately for Linda and me, we have managed 46 years together primarily because, while we both like to be in charge, she is the perfectionist first-born and I am certainly nowhere close.
