Traffic, Thunderstorms, and Disappointment: My ‘Wurst Vacation’ Birthday Weekend

Mother Nature’s attempt at special effects for ‘Ride the Lightning’. Talk about commitment to the theme!

Hey readers,

Remember that exciting Boston trip I mentioned? Well, brace yourselves for what turned out to be my very own ‘Wurst Vacation’.

What should have been a 4-hour drive from our home in New Jersey to the hotel in Boston turned into a 6-hour ordeal, mostly thanks to Connecticut’s idea of traffic management. It was like being ‘Trapped Under Ice’ in a ‘Funeral Derangement’ of vehicles. But wait, there’s more! The 30-mile trip from our Boston hotel to Gillette Stadium? Two hours of crawling along at a snail’s pace. And just when we thought it couldn’t get worse, it took over an hour to get back to the hotel after the show. At this point, I was ready for some ‘Assault & Batteries’ on my GPS, but I was too exhausted from being ‘Wherever I May Roam’ on these roads.

Welcome to Connecticut: Where traffic jams are an art form and my ETA became more of a suggestion than a prediction. At least I had plenty of time to recite the entire Metallica discography… backwards… in alphabetical order.

Now add seats so high at both concerts, we practically needed oxygen masks. We were flying our ‘Freak Flag’ at an altitude that would make pilots nervous. Toss in humidity that would make a rainforest jealous, and you’ve got the ‘Welcome to Horrorwood’ start of our weekend.

Last Friday at Gillette Stadium: Where Metallica’s ‘Jump In The Fire’ felt less like a song title and more like a weather advisory. Who knew a mosh pit could double as a sauna?

The aquarium? Let’s just say the fish probably could’ve organized it better. I had tickets with barcodes in my email, thinking we could just waltz right in. Oh, how naive I was. Instead, we had to stand in the box office line with everyone buying tickets, just so they could scan my email barcode… to give me a ticket with another barcode. It was less ‘Enter Sandman’ and more ‘IT Is The End’ of my patience. At this point, I was seriously contemplating if the fish were running this show.

Exclusive behind-the-scenes look at the aquarium’s management team planning their ticketing system. Turns out Patrick was in charge of customer service that day.

Despite the aquarium fiasco, the day wasn’t a total loss. I had a heartwarming reunion with a friend I hadn’t seen since we headbanged together at a Rammstein concert in Worcester, MA back in 2012. We were supposed to meet up for Rammstein’s 2020 show at MetLife Stadium in NJ, but Covid threw a wrench in those plans, and she couldn’t make the rescheduled 2022 date. Spending the day with her was like stepping into a time machine — we caught up on life, shared proud aunt moments with photos of our nieces and nephews, and relived memories of our past concert adventures. The cherry on top? We discovered years ago that we share the same birthday, just a few years apart. It was great to celebrate together, even if the universe seemed determined to test our party spirit.

But dinner later that evening? That was at a place that redefined ‘terrible’. Imagine this: no working air conditioning on a day humid enough to make you ‘Melt Your Face Off’ (INK fans, you get it). Their ice machine decided to call it quits too, so forget about cold drinks. The service was so bad, it felt like we were living in our own ‘Nightmare on Elm Street’. And the food? Let’s just say it made me long for literally anything else — even the overpriced snacks back at the stadium. But hey, at least everyone could eat something (even if they didn’t want to).

Thankfully, not everything in Boston was trying to dampen our spirits. Our group decided to take a Duck Boat Tour, which I’d wholeheartedly recommend to anyone visiting the city. It was a refreshing change of pace as we cruised around Boston by both land and water. Our tour guide, a fountain of knowledge, regaled us with historical facts and pointed out significant sights around the city. There was even a bit of rock ’n’ roll gossip when he revealed which hotel was hosting Metallica for the weekend. But the absolute highlight? Getting to play captain and steer the Duck Boat for a couple of minutes once we hit the water. For those brief moments, all the frustrations of the trip melted away, replaced by the simple joy of pretending to be a boat captain in the middle of Boston.

Captain’s log, supplemental: Turns out steering a Duck Boat is way easier than navigating Boston traffic. Who knew my weekend would include cosplaying as both a metal head and a boat captain? Next time, I’m taking this thing to Gillette Stadium!

My best friend opted not to attend the second Metallica show of the weekend, so my mom went in her place. It’s cool…mom likes Metallica, has seen them live before (one ticket was her 50th birthday present), and even has 2 favorite songs by the band: “For Whom The Bell Tolls” and “One”. We left early, did some shopping at the Metallica Pop-Up Shop and had a nice, quick lunch at a Mexican place in Patriot Place, an outdoor mall next to Gillette Stadium. The area was packed with metalheads, with every restaurant playing a different Metallica album.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. When life gives you a Metallica backdrop, throw up the horns and embrace your inner rockstar! Who needs a birthday cake when you’ve got a metal playground?

We walked into the stadium and got to our seats around 5pm. The show was set to kick off at 6 with a performance by Ice Nine Kills. We saw the band walking to the stage shortly before 6…and then Mother Nature decided to ‘Seek and Destroy’ our plans. A thunderstorm hit, delaying the show by 2 hours and ultimately cancelling Ice Nine Kills’ performance. At this point, the whole trip was feeling like ‘A Grave Mistake’. At this point, my birthday cake wasn’t just soggy from the rain — it was drowning. Mother Nature apparently decided to add ‘disappointed concert-goer tears’ as the secret ingredient.

When Ice Nine Kills’ chance to perform gets rained out. Guess ‘Walking On Sunshine’ was a bit too optimistic for this weather forecast.

Adding salt to the wound, I couldn’t help but think of what Ice Nine Kills’ founder and vocalist, Spencer Charnas, had said about opening for Metallica: ‘Anytime anyone mentions it when I’m doing an interview, I get chills. Because it takes me back to when I first saw Metallica, which was at the Fleet Center [in Boston] in ’97. I remember that concert so vividly. My dad took me to it… They were one of those seminal bands for me. They made me, along with Nirvana, wanna learn how to play guitar riffs… For someone who grew up on that kind of music and Metallica being the pinnacle of that, it’s such an honor. And I still have to kind of pinch myself every time we show up at one of those stadiums and realize, ‘I’m not just going to see them. We’re on the show.’’ Knowing how much this show must have meant to Spencer and the band, playing 40 miles his hometown no less, made the cancellation sting even more.

When Mother Nature cancels your show, but you’re ready to negotiate… with extreme prejudice. Spencer Charnas, CEO of Weather Control Inc., demonstrating our new ‘Thunderstorm Be Gone’ axe. ‘Rainy Day’? Not on my watch!

I will say this: Metallica was great, as always. Their “No Repeat Weekend” set lists included classics such as “For Whom The Bell Tolls”, “Creeping Death”, “Master of Puppets”, “Welcome Home (Sanitarium)”, “One”, “Enter Sandman”, and “Nothing Else Matters”, with a few tracks from Load, Reload, Death Magnetic, Hardwired…to Self-Destruct, and their latest release, 72 Seasons. But my expectations for this weekend were Master of Puppets, and the reality turned out to be more Lulu. Metallica fans, you know what I mean. The cherry on top? They played ‘Ride The Lightning’ while Mother Nature decided to give us a ‘Rainy Day’ — just not the Ice Nine Kills version I was hoping for.

Metallica: Proving that even after all these years, they can still make 65,000 people forget about traffic, rain, and overpriced stadium beer.

(Set lists for both nights can be found on Metallica’s site: Friday, August 2 and Sunday, August 4.)

I’m still processing this whirlwind of a weekend, and I feel terrible for dragging my loved ones along for this disaster. The silver lining, if there is one, is that at least I wasn’t alone in this debacle. As Metallica would say, ‘The Memory Remains’, though in this case, I kind of wish it wouldn’t.

Me, trying to erase the memory of Connecticut traffic, overpriced stadium food, and that time Mother Nature decided to be the ultimate party pooper. Sadly, my Metallica memories are too powerful for this device.

You know, I’ve been to concerts all over North America and Europe. I’ve navigated foreign cities, dealt with language barriers, and even survived mosh pits in countries where I couldn’t pronounce the name of the street. From the massive stadiums of Berlin to the colossal venues of Las Vegas, I’ve headbanged my way across continents to see bands like Rammstein and Ghost without major incident. But somehow, this trip to Boston — practically in my backyard compared to those adventures — turned into my own ‘Farewell II Flesh’ moment. It’s like all my travel luck decided to ‘Fade to Black’ at once.

For now, I’m ‘Sad But True’ about this whole experience, happy to be home with my rabbit. This birthday was supposed to be ‘Hip to be Scared’, but instead, it was just scary. I might need some time before I can look at my concert tickets for the rest of the year without wincing.

Thanks for understanding as I take a raincheck on that fun Boston post I promised. This weekend turned out to be ‘The Thing That Should Not Be’ — my very own ‘American Nightmare’.

Oh, next year’s birthday plans? Nothing. Staying in bed.