Does he journal daily? That’s a problem.
(Note to the reader: Please be patient with the story. Linger)
Day 27
I think I had a dream. I think I had a dream that I was alive, once. I think I had a life. Strange, I know. I thought I was Sunny, but was I really? Ever? Who is Sunny?
Oh, btw, little sunny is dead.
Day 1
There are days when you wake up and feel so fresh, so energetic. Today is one of those days.
There are also days where you are so nervous that you can hurl all your breakfast into the toilet moments after eating it for no rhyme or reason.
This is one of those days too.
I begin my journey at Brain Healing today. It’s my first day, and I’m really nervous. I just got out of college and I am still not sure of what concepts I mastered. I have been constantly told that theory and practice are miles apart, but I was rationalising to myself before falling asleep that I HAVE done some practice. All those patients that came to me, sure it was supervised, but so what? I’ll be fine.
Then I fell asleep and I had a nightmare where all these people were rushing towards me and I couldn’t really do anything about it.
That’s when I got up in the morning and went to the toilet to hurl. Not much came out. When I felt better I had a hearty breakfast and then…you know it still ended in the toilet, one way or the other. Food karma I guess.
Day 14
You know, it’s not so bad. It’s not so bad. It’s not so bad. It’s not so bad. It’s not so bad. It’s not so bad. It’s not so bad. It’s not so bad. It’s not so bad…after all.
Seriously, it’s not so bad. Little Sunny is sick. I think he is dying.
Day 2
Wow, that was some day yesterday. And I thought the hurling was gonna be bad. Brain Healing is strange! Every one of those patients was tied and strung up like a pig waiting for slaughter.
Apparently there was some kind of raid a few days ago. I pretty much ran from one doctor to another the whole day, showing my papers, talking about my experiences. I don’t know how that went down. I think they see through my facade, I mean, they must. I’m just a beginner.
None of them could look me in the eye when I was dropping medical jargon at them. I was reluctant about it, but it felt as if they were judging me for my lack of knowledge. And when they did look at me, it was always with a sort of crazed look. Like, how dare you bring that stupid shit up?
And I was called all day long to explain such basic stuff…I began to doubt myself. What was this? They must assume I’m stupid.
I am so stupid. I think I will just quit today. But then I have to pay back the loans I took to get that degree too. Maybe I should just practice Stoicism.
Day 30
Hello. It is you, from the past. Do you like the symbols you put up? Seems like it, anyway. I mean, what if You were not You when you wrote this? Don’t people say that it was someone else when they did something bad? Like, it wasn’t me! I don’t wanna take ownership of this! No, no, no!
So who was it? And if I write something bad here, would you disown it too? Would you be mad at yourself or just learn to placate yourself about it in the future? What’s it gonna be, boy?
Cos I’m about to write some bad shit here. I think you killed Little Sunny. Oh no, it wasn’t me. I’m innocent. It was me going temporarily insane. Sometimes it works in the court of law too, so why not here? But it was you, you who is reading it.
You killed Little Sunny. Or you will. Because he isn’t dead yet. Oh no, he is safe among these words. But you’re getting closer to the words which will show you how he died. And where he died. And what he was doing when he died.
And you can stop it, you can. You just need to stop reading.
But you wanna find out how Little Sunny died, right? Or if he died at all? I could be lying. How does that make you feel? Lie down on the couch while I think about how you repulse me so.
Day 3
What kind if institution is this? Today the chief had us pull all the patients out, and one by one he rapped them on the head for not behaving. This is unethical, not to mention aggravating for the patients. I stood back not knowing what to do, but apparently it is standard practice in the hospital. I don’t like it.
I think today I’m going to speak about it. Yesterday I felt like such a pansy for not doing anything.
I’m gonna write tonight about what happened, I need to prep and leave now.
Okay…that was, not right. I spoke to the chief, and then to the HR person. It was the worst lashing of my life. They just went on and on about hospitals, teams, ethics, my responsibilities.
I have been given additional duties. I am now feeding and taking care of the patients as well. I’ve been told that I need to do this by never removing any of the gags or ropes that they are tied by.
The patients are in really bad condition. They have been defecating and peeing on themselves for a while now. When I go to them, some struggle to break free, but some just sit there quietly and cry.
I gave an intravenous feed to all of them, except one today. She was sitting quietly, weeping even as she sat in her own pee. And from the smell, faeces too.
When I first removed the gag and tried to feed her, she kept pulling away from me. I smiled at her and was patient(hah, get it?). She would look at me and then look at the door, then she would look away and close her eyes. If I held a spoon near her mouth she twisted and turned in her chair and kept fighting till I withdrew the spoon.
I sipped on the soup in front of her, smiling at her at the same time. She kept looking at me through her tears when I did that. And I think she finally relented because she accepted some of the spoonfuls of the soup I had.
After that she said, “Why are you?” It was broken at first. I don’t know why she’s gagged. They aren’t showing me any of the patient histories just yet. But she spoke so softly, and her voice was beautiful.
“I’m new here. Just joined 2 days ago.”
“Please help us.” she said. I thought, ‘us? Right, I get it. She’s a loony.(Of course I’m sensitive about the word loony, I just thought that in haste.’)
“I’m a doctor, we’ve been trapped here and the patients took over. Please, if you’re new, please help us break free.”
I smiled at her, and I was quite tickled by the notion.
Day 31
It seems like there has been a malfunction. Every time I try and access myself, the function that is returned is
ERROR
ERROR
ERROR
ERROR
ERROR
ERROR
ERROR
ERROR
ERROR
ERROR
ERROR
ERROR
ERROR
ERROR
ERROR
…
ERROR
ERROR
ERROR
…
Hello, I am you. Hello.
Hello. Hello. Hello.
Hello. Hello.
Pretty pretty pretty sky. How I wonder what you are? Are you the projection of my consciousness or a real thing? Answer me you piece of fucking shit!
Hello. I’m Sunny.
Little Sunny sleeps in pieces tonight.
Day 4
I’ve just come back from work and I tried to be nice to the people today. I reached out, I offered food.
I don’t know what I’m doing wrong! I mean, when I spoke about the crazy old lady and her doctor switch theory, they just looked at me like I was crazy. I think that’s not the conversation to bring up during lunch.
I apologised, but it left a bad taste in my mouth.
This delusion is shared by some of the other patients too. I got to speak to more of them today. We have a total of 9 patients at Brain Healing. 5 of them spoke to me about this.
I think all these patients colluded with each other. That’s why they are never made to interact with each other.
The chief is really weird. He stays shut in his room the whole day and he doesn’t come out even for lunch. The other doctors keep mostly to themselves, I’ve got a bit of an equation going with Dr. Sunita, though. She’s nice, and she has that big and beautiful smile that is so infectious. Around her I just talk and talk, and she just listens without uttering a word. I swear I had a half hour conversation with her and in the end she just tapped me on the shoulder and walked away. She must be amazing with her patients, didn’t need me to speak at all! I guess this why I’m here, to learn from the best. Or at least from the more experienced ones.
My goal is to start reaching out to the other people here too.
Also, maybe I can try some of my theories on the patients soon. I want them to calm down, I mean, seriously we don’t treat our patients well. We seriously don’t. We can do better, is all I’m saying.
Day 5
I spoke to Sunita again today. Can I call her Sunita? Yes I can! Because she told me to! So, Sunita it is. I’m nervous though, she looks at me so critically at times. I spoke to her about how maybe the patients need to speak to each other and fraternise more.
I told her that they all have this crazy bizarre theory that they are Doctors and the staff are the patients. I said that if they persist with that thought then they would never get better.
Sunita didn’t say anything, but she seemed upset. She probably thinks I’m stupid to be suggesting this right out of college. I mean, yes she is right. Perhaps it is a stupid idea. But I really think we ought to try. I spoke to all 9 patients today. Between cleaning their beds and feeding them, I’ve also started my own research on what kind of people they are.
So, apparently, I met the real Chief today. He said that he was the one who approved my entry to the institution because he thought I was hardworking.
I was chuffed for a bit, but then he spoke of details that could only be known to the real Chief. I think there is some kind of leak here, these crazy people are really wily. The janitor must be in on this. Even he doesn’t speak properly to me, but I must have words with him about this whole incident. No wonder everyone is so tightlipped about this.
Day 7
Umm…so…guess what happened! Me and Sunita went out on a date! I had duty today, and I know it was a Sunday or whatever but I think she and I drew the short straw. And it was…magical. I could share so much of myself with her, what I like, what I don’t like. I spoke to her about my family, my childhood, my dreams and ambitions. I told her so many things about who I am and where I come from and where I wanna go and…I just haven’t connected with anyone like this before.
She didn’t speak much, barely if I think about it. But she had such a frank gaze to her, she looked so radiant and beautiful and well, I think I’m in love already. We kissed and then she came to my apartment. That was amazing.
So…yeah, that happened and I’m so glad it did. I spoke to her again about my theory when we were together in bed, she turned away from me and didn’t talk to me. She wasn’t saying anything before but now the silence was deafening.
Well, she just left a while back and she looked miserable. I’ll try some things tomorrow.
Day 8
My interactions with the patients have been reduced again. Sunita isn’t talking to me, I mean she doesn’t speak much but whatever little she did even that’s not there anymore.
I only saw one patient today, and I ignored all she said to me. First off, she said that she was Dr. Sunita and that was a hoot. This patient is so talkative, so outgoing, she’s not welcoming at all.
But this whole theory is getting to my nerves. I think the patients know I am new and so they are all ganging up on me to tell me about it.
I just want to do my work and get things sorted between me and Sunita.
Day 10
I didn’t write anything yesterday. I was too pissed. Sunita and I are officially fighting. I tried to talk to her but she kept pulling away from me, wouldn’t even look me in the eye. The chief slapped me around.
I stormed out, but then went right back in and punched him in the face. I think when I go to work tomorrow I will be fired. Yup, fired. From work, and there goes the dream to work as a professional. No one would hire me after this.
But I do have a plan, maybe if I can resolve the problems faced by the patients then I can win back some credibility. Right now I think I’m being portrayed as a sore loser who is good for nothing.
Day 13
I don’t know what I believe in anymore. I’ve been busy these past few days. Sunita came over two days ago.
But I didn’t speak to her about what I was planning with the patients. Saturday is usually when a majority of the staff is off. And so I had a plan for today.
I got all the patients in one room and I told them I will listen to all of them. I kept the rom shut from the inside and made sure that no one could get in.
I think they are telling the truth. They all are. The women broke down once the men started speaking, heck everyone was crying. And there was a lot of real stuff exchanged. I don’t know how anyone could carry this kind of deception. It’s just impossible. But apparently none of the staff have families in this remote place and well, that’s true for me too.
They knew that I was coming. And they told me that I might be replaced too. That they will find out everything about me and then make me disappear or add me here as a patient.
I don’t believe them, but Sunita does know a lot about me. I’m meeting her tonight. So let’s see, I want to see her actions, see if things match up with what the patients told me.
I’m being more than a little paranoid, but I love Sunita and I don’t want things to go away…I don’t know. See you tomorrow.
P.S.- Mom called today, kept calling me her little Sunny. I told her I hate that name. Blah, but I do need to talk to them more often.
— — —
Written in response to the following prompt:
“You are a recently hired psychiatrist at a mental hospital. Some of your patients insist that they were once staff, but are being held prisoner by the actual patients that now run the hospital.”
