The fact that I don’t know how to do “anything” yet some how seem to do “everything” is still a strange concept to me. I have been used to the idea that I am dependent, that someone will be there to help me do what ever I happen to need doing. Now, here I sit, contemplating an adventure of epic proportions, alone.

I am going to hike the Pacific Crest Trail (PCT) this year. WHAT!? Yep, 2,665 miles, alone. I mean, I won’t be terribly “alone” considering that there are 50 people allowed to start the trail at the Southern Terminus every day. But… alone, no partner, no hiking buddy, only the people I meet out there.

Is that frightening? Not so much. My fear mostly resides in my existing relationships, not in the unknown. I fear what my boss of 10+ years will do when I put in my notice. But I revel in the freedom. I fear that any romantic prospects that are left at home will dry up. But I get excited to really be alone. I fear that my roommate will get tired of watching two extra dogs plus a parrot and peace out before I get back (not really). But the freedom is conceptually mind blowing.

Let me rewind a little. I have been alone for a long long time. I am less than nine months divorced but the time in which I have been alone within the walls of that institution were long and cold. You see, I have been doing “everything” for myself all along. I have realized how the appearance of dependency has kept me mired in relationships all too long. How fear has played (and served) me so well in those existing relationships. It kept me stagnant and used up. It kept me angry and unavailable for my kids. And also kept me from seeing my part in the chaos in our household. I stayed overwhelmed and overworked in a relationship I was just plain over.

Am I afraid of being out there in the woods alone? No, I relish the thought.

Now I just want to be healthy, both in body and spirit. I will take this journey like every other I have ever taken, one step at a time.