98 days of overture

1 Jan 2016

Please forgive me. I didn’t do what I had said yesterday. Instead, I drank champagne and spoke with my mother and father to celebrate the New Year. I thought I could make it up today but alas I have only played video games, ate carb-y food, and slept.

There are no excuses; The rest of my year will not be like this. Where has my self control gone?

I figure it gets spent resisting emotional pain rather than resisting the temptation of laziness and general malaise from learned helplessness. My response will be to include one uplifting motivational passage first thing in the morning and one wholesome thing that felt good.

I am struggling with sickness coming from distress, although it’s imaginary. It helps to eliminate “I feel” or “feels like” from my vocabulary in order to focus on the real, the tangible. More importantly, to shift my gaze outwardly without internalizing someone else’s emotions.My mother has always said,

“Nothing is ever as it seems.”

So, now is the time to stop believing the superficial and stop believing my own made-up stories. I am getting curious if there will be something great in store for me when I change.

I ate

• a bowl of raisin bran
• stupid fattening breakfast casserole: biscuit, bacon, egg, tater tots
• collard greens, black eyed beans, and rotisserie chicken
• a slice of pizza

Estimated amount of calories: 1300–1400. No exercise. Weighed 149lbs in the evening.

Day 3 will be better.