“Condoms to buy or not to buy”

Why in my 30's, am I embarrassed to talk about and buy condoms ( I haven’t used the words in so many years, I almost forgot to how to spell it.) Being single has been brought up new and old questions that comes with dating. Condoms are one of them that has been blocker in some relationships. I love sex as much as the next person, there is something raw and primal about it. Your not only connecting with someone on a physical level, you are connecting on an emotional level too. You learn their body as they are learning yours. Searching for triggers, pleasure points, kinks and feeling every curve of each other as you go. So it’s been awhile since I had sex( or an intimate connection with someone) and no matter what guys say “ well you got those toys to keep you satisfied” As my female friends and I say, it’s not the same, because it’s a plastic/rubber battery operated thing. No real connection there and yes women do think about sex ( it’s normal).

So back to my dating quest, I recently I needed to stop and think about what comes next with dating …. After you meet someone, you go out on a date, you hit it off and then eventually you hit the sheets. So I am not a virgin ( go figure being a single mom) but I haven’t used condoms in YEARS!!! So newish territory for me and I usually didn’t have to buy them, the guys I dated were either prepared or we picked some up on the way. So now, I am figuring all this out on my own, since most dates don’t end up that far to have the “sex” talk. I am at point where , I know I will need condoms (like a gun, I rather have it and not need it, then need it and not have it) in the future, well at least I hope. So doing research (internet, talking to male friends, talking to female friends too) not all condoms are the same and not all male’s hardware size are the same either. Then you have to add all the extras, the ribbed and lotions & potions that they come with, latex (allergies) , none latex, lamb skin..etc.. Just standing in the condom aisle is nerve racking and embarrassing, by the time you look at all the varieties, you just might as well buy every single one that is in stock and walking around with a condom surplus in your purse ( wallets for men). One of my oldest guy friends said “Fuck it, leave it for the man to decide and buy”. But what if the store is closed or none near by…. Then what, take a chance on a stranger (maybe not a stranger) but unknown, questionable sexual history. Leave yourself open to diseases and/or the awkward conversation before sex and kill the mood. Like Scar sang on Lion King (this has literally stuck with me for almost everything in life) “Be Prepared🎶” So for my future, safety and health.. I want to “Be Prepared” so when I am in the moment with that guy and he may not be prepared, I will at least be so he doesn’t ruin the moment for me lol!! So here I am, a single woman standing in front of the condoms, slightly embarrassed, wondering if anyone notice where I am standing and what I am searching for and not only am I standing there, I am staring way too damm hard. Why is this so hard, embarrassing and I feel like I am doing something bad, like I am not suppose to be standing here and thinking about protecting myself. Society did that too me and I shouldn’t be ashamed to buy condoms, I don’t want a STD or unplanned pregnancy with a stranger, so once again why am I shy about buying them and can’t make a decision on a pack. Fuck it, a variety pack won, just because I am tired of standing and staring. Once again why am I embarrassed of checking them out and paying for them.. I hiding them behind some everyday purchase. Dammit maybe one day I will be a adult and woman about, but not today. Next time..

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