No, I haven’t seen The Grand Budapest Hotel. Is it out right now? I didn’t realize that. I didn’t even know Wes Anderson was making a movie. Where have I been?! That one movie with the foxes was really cool. He should make a movie like that again.

This place is really nice. It’s Italian, right? Italian food is great: I’m a big fan of spaghetti despite how messy it can be. Sometimes I get that red sauce all over my face and my mom has to wipe it off with a Wet Wipe. Embarrassing! Puttanesca? I’m sorry but I don’t think I can order that. It doesn’t sound very good. No, I’m not certain of that but I’ve never heard that word before and I’m uncomfortable with the idea of ordering something with such a long name: the spaghetti is fine with me.

If I could get as much garlic bread as possible, I would appreciate that. Could you also melt some butter so I can dip my bread into it? Thank you, Chip.

I’m actually not a huge Beck fan. He’s okay. Not that he makes bad music because he doesn’t: I just wouldn’t willingly listen to him. Know what I mean? It’s one of those albums Dad listens to after work, when he’s sad and thinking about how he isn’t a successful creative. It’s that kind of listen. I like Pharrell though. That “Happy” song: it makes me so happy! I like that it was in Despicable Me 2. One of my favorite movies!

There’s supposed to be a juggler doing a TED talk! Yes, a juggler. I hope he doesn’t have to wear that stupid head microphone. Am I the only one at this table who thinks TED talkers are jackasses? Do any of you actually listen to what they say in those talks? It’s like blah blah blah hope or blah blah blah I Have A Disease. These two like to put on TED talks sometimes instead of the television—but they don’t watch them: they just listen. Like, hello, it’s 2014: you aren’t a Roosevelt and this isn’t the the 1940s. Just give me your iPad and let me eat my bowl of Joe’s O’s by myself.

I can’t have wine, no. It makes me sick! I had a sip one time and I spit it out. It went in my mouth and right out of my mouth like one of those fountains at Six Flags that jumps water from one hole to the next to the next. With me, it was red wine in my mouth and then out onto the ground. I cleaned it up, though. Tell them about it, Mom! You’re the one who gave me wine.

Could I get another glass of milk? Not a nut milk or soy milk: regular milk. From a cow. I want that. We only drink Almond Breeze at home so I want to take this opportunity to have real milk. I don’t remember what it tastes like. I’m serious! You would forget what real milk tastes like if your Mom was an aspiring fashion designer.

Shopping? I like Target. That has to be the best store in town! Shut up, Dad. Skylight Books? Really?? You’ve been there one time and you bought a copy of GQ. You didn’t even read it! You went, “Fuck, this doesn’t have Kate Upton in it.” Then you threw it out the window so Mom wouldn’t find it. Don’t lie, Dad! Don’t try to play it cool in front of your friends.

I think I need to go to the bathroom. Can one of you come with me? Dad? I’m going to need help unzipping my pants and someone is going to have to pick me up so I don’t piss all over the floor. I’ve told you a thousand times: I’m not tall enough to make it into these waterless toilets. I try to use them and I end up getting piss all over my face.