1. GET DRESSED.
Don’t halfass this! Grab that black t-shirt that looks like it has the Run DMC logo on it but instead says “DUB STEP” or the black t-shirt that says “DUBWAY” in the Subway logo. Put on your black jeans. Suck it in!! Wear red Toms.

2. CHECK YOUR HAIR.
Don’t get this twisted. Use Gwen’s Dep gel to style your sideburns to the side of your face, holding them down for twenty seconds to secure them to at least your jawline. Organize the hair on the crown of your head both up and to the left. Not too far in either direction!! Too far up and you’ll like one of those dudes from that reality show about gypsies. Too far too left and you’ll look like a fag.

3. MAKE A DRINK.
Hit that Gordon’s and Tampico!!!! No ice: can’t dilute this shit. Drop that Ragga Bomb!!!

4. SHUT UP, MOM!!!!!!
No one is touching your Goldschläger! A twenty eight year old buys his own alcohol. Fuck. It’s Saturday night: get off my DICK.

5. FINISH MAKING YOUR DRINK.
Fuck. Stir the Gordon’s and Tampico with a spoon, if you have one.

6. OPEN WORLD OF WARCRAFT.
Click → Golden W of WOW.
Click → Akama PVP
Click → Alliance Female Draenei Hunter
Click → DO IT. DO IT. DO IT.

7. PUT HEADPHONES ON.
Time to chill, Skrill. Put on your Shure SRH240 (One day you’ll get Beats.) and crank the volume UP. Move the ear cords so they don’t get caught on sideburns.

8. THINK ABOUT DAD.
You’d probably have like a stereo if Dad was still here. He probably would love DOOMPY POOMP. Ease my mind with dirty vibes. Where are you, D? He’ll come around one day.

9. PRESS PLAY ON LUMIA 521.
ALL IS FAIR IN LOVE AND BROSTEP. THIS SONG IS BOMB.

7. I TOLD YOU NOT TO LET THE CAT IN MY ROOM, GWEN.
Get this fucking cat out of here.

11. KEEP PLAYING WORLD OF WARCRAFT.
Draenei slaying it in Draenor. THIS IS MY STEP.

12. DON’T CRY.
Beats too deep, Skrill. I hate you Mom.