Journal #3

The greatest gift I ever received came to me in the time I least wanted it but needed it the most. Sometimes in life we are quick to shut out what we need to come in the most because we are scared of change and the unknown. I had succumbed to all the pressures around me. I grew up in a great immediate family but outside of the confines of my home that saved me from the outside grievances that the rest of my family was falling under the mercy of. I slid into the back seat of mother’s car every day after school when the hand of time reached three thirty in the afternoon. The short but perilous journey to home would plague my thoughts with the numerous fights my mother and sister were constantly commencing in front of me. Once their faces drew red from constant yelling and exhaustion finally ran over them like they can been conquered by its existence in their bodies, peace would fall into the car and the air drifting from the vents would send a cool breeze but also new life into my mother. She would them nonchalantly speak about my all the families of my cousins. One who’s father had gone mentally insane. There was divorce, alcohol abuse and my aunt and uncles drug problem which had led my cousin to be expelled for the distribution of drugs that were given to him by his own mother who would later fall dead to what habit she had partaken in. When I set foot in my house my father would follow not to long behind us and he sat at the dinner table with us where i would once again become silent as we would all stare at our plates listening to his raised voice carry tales about his day at work. Silence was all I wanted as it seemed to me that when that was shattered I was sent back into a world of violence and agony. I became so angry, I surrounded myself with friends that had the same problems as I had felt and this led me down a wrong path. I forgot how to feel anything because I saw feelings as just a way to be hurt and I could not handle it anymore so I loved no one and trusted no one so that I could not become a victim like the past. Until this year when I received a concussion that left me almost to lose everything I had left. I later met a woman who for some reason made me experience emotions for the first time since I was eight. The more she spoke the more I rediscovered what I had felt so long ago. Also with the first experience of love I had ever known to this day. I had unexpectedly found the best gift life had to offer and it was there all along. I was quick to shut out the outside because I was afraid of what was in store for me if opened up. What I found when I allowed myself to unravel was greater than what I was afraid of and what had plagued me before.