The Fog
I keep telling myself that it will get better…
“Monday was bad, but Tuesday was better than Monday and Wednesday will be better than Tuesday”…
I’m here to tell you that, at least for me, is a pipe dream. There is no way that I can say, without a doubt, that tomorrow is going to be better than today or that today will be better than yesterday. I have been trying to tell myself that, but that’s not helping me. ‘The Fog”, as I’ll call it, is everywhere.
It could be a reminder about how much of a failure you think you are…it could be wanting to call someone who no longer is with you…it could be a constant pull to be somewhere else doing something else…
It will happen when you don’t expect it…when you are grocery shopping and you are trying to remember a recipe…when you are sitting at your desk at work and tears begin to roll down your cheeks…when you are driving and you tell your niece, “That song isn’t going to make me cry”…
It happens when you expect it and can’t do anything about it…like your birthday when you don’t get that familiar call singing you happy birthday…or when your mom’s birthday is a few days away and you can’t say happy birthday to her…or when you are drawn to something, but you are so afraid of failure or being rejected that you don’t go for it.
“The Fog” envelops you…it is everywhere and you can not find a way out of it…you try to talk about it, but it doesn’t make sense when you speak about it. If people haven’t had to deal with it, they won’t understand. “The Fog” isn’t a just a mental, emotional or physical thing…it’s all three and then some.
“The Fog” is that voice telling you that you aren’t worth a damn…it is that feeling of loss when you no longer have that pillar in your life that you didn’t even realize you had until it’s gone…it is the massive weight on your shoulders that you feel when you are trying to do something…
I remember a letter that my sister wrote me when I was 12 or 13 where she said “Don’t let anyone tell you that you aren’t worth anything”…she was talking about other people, not when you are telling yourself that. I know that writing this will not help me in the long run…I know that people will say, “Get over yourself Mike, everyone has problems and theirs are bigger than yours and always will be” or at least I think that’s what they’ll say.
“The Fog” for me is so thick right now that I don’t know what to do other than write about it. I know eventually it will lift…I’m just going to have to search my way through it until it does.