I’m sorry, I love you, but I have to leave you.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for starting whatever it is that we have. I’m sorry for all the promises I’ve made, knowing that they’ll be broken soon. I’m sorry for telling you things that made you love me even more. It wasn’t my intention to lead you on because I thought I was sure of you. Maybe deep inside I knew that this wasn’t going to last but I was in denial, because I wanted this to work. I wanted this to last. Maybe I’m tired and done of denying it now.

I’m sorry if my only reason for choosing you was because you were the right choice but not my “happy” choice. I thought that maybe if I stayed with you a little longer, I would learn to love you like I love the person before you. Now I know, I’m wrong. I now realize that you really can’t force the heart to love someone deeply. So, I’m sorry if I was too selfish because I did this. I’m sorry because I let you believe that we were going to last when in reality, we won’t.

I love you.

I really do, but I guess not as much as I love the person before you. You made me happy, yes. But that person made me happier. It didn’t matter if our relationship was as toxic as all the chemicals combined, that person made me the happiest girl alive. Despite that, I still love you for everything. I love you for being patient with me. I love you for understanding my thoughts. I love you for accepting all my flaws. I love you for not judging me because of my past.

But, we were friends before all of these happened. Maybe I fell in love with how we were as friends and must’ve mistaken it for real love. But really, we were only becoming really close friends. We were so desperate on finding love that we risked our friendship over it.

But I have to leave you.

You are so good to me that I felt guilty. Guilty because it felt like I was taking you for granted, like I was taking your love for granted. You deserve so much better than what I gave you, which is not a lot. You deserve a better first love. You don’t deserve to be an option, nobody does. But I made you one and for that I am truly sorry. I told you that you made me happy, but honestly? That was before.

As months passed by, I became bored and unhappy with how things were. I was starting to miss the things I used to do with that one person that I can’t seem to forget. I was starting to compare you to that person. It didn’t take me long to realize that you were not the one for me. Yet, I still didn’t leave you. Why? Because I was scared. I was scared that I wouldn’t find someone that can look past my damaged self and love me. I was scared to be alone. Lastly, I was scared to hurt you but I didn’t realize that I’m already doing that by staying with you while I’m conflicted and drowning in my own thoughts.

I know that was unfair to you, what I did. I can’t find enough reasons to justify my actions because it was wrong. I loved you, but not the way you deserve. I let you believe that I opened up to you but that wasn’t even the half of it. I know you haven’t done anything to break my trust. I wanted to fully trust you but my anxiety won’t let me. It’s just the way it is. I won’t tell you, in full detail, why I’m doing this. The important thing is you know the main reason.

I’ll understand if you won’t talk to me after this or if you’ll get mad at me for being a selfish bitch. But I hope you can also understand why I did what I did. I hope you can understand what’s written in here. If not, then I don’t know what else to do. This is the best way for me to express my true feelings. So, I’m begging you, even if you have to read this a thousand times. Please understand.

You were my right choice because I wanted to be responsible and not disappoint the people around me for once. But sometimes, right decisions don’t always make you happy. Decisions can be wrong and absurd in so many levels, but at least you’re happy and I think that’s what’s important. It may be the most reckless decision I’ll ever make but if that’s what it takes for me to feel the happiness that I crave then so be it. I’d give anything to have the chance to do it all over again because in my perspective, I lost my forever person and I’m forever going to regret it. That’s why I won’t let you miss your chance to meet yours.

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