Day Before the Wedding

It took me an event of wedding to push myself to write a journal entry.

The past few months have been strange. I don’t think I’ve talked about myself to this many people in this depth ever in my life. I guess because I am the first one to go through this experience out of all my friends, the conversation naturally revolves around the topic a.k.a. me.

This is strange in a way for me because although I love talking and having conversations, I always liked listening to other people’s problems and feelings or talking about general ideals, values, and entertainment etc. So although I love communication, I am used to being a listener rather than a speaker. To be honest, I would be judgmental at times as a listener, because listening takes patience while talking takes courage. I overvalued my patience and underestimated others’ courage and would sometimes judge the vulnerability they show and mistake it for weakness. These judgements would push myself to be on an even further extreme of a listener.

But going through the whole process of engagement and wedding, I think I spent more time explaining about the process and how I felt about it compared to the time I actually spent doing things related to it. Throughout the whole process of 6 months or so, I think I felt everything from tiredness in having to explain the same thing over and over again, overwhelmed by everyone’s expectations of how an engaged woman should feel like, happiness in knowing that there are so many people in my life that care about me enough to engage me in conversations, awkward/embarrassed to have to brag about how wonderful my relationship is and how I decided to spend the rest of my life with my soon-to-be-husband, frustrated to not have myself and my career figured out yet keep talking and caring about a wedding, which essentially felt like for me an undeserved vacation/pampering/spending money.

So many different emotions fuse whenever I start talking about this, and it gets even more difficult when I am trying to unravel this to those who are just looking to hear “it’s great! And exciting!”. So I try to keep it simple, but because I have such brewing/conflicting emotions that are not necessarily bad but not even partially expressed by “it’s great! And exciting!”, I end up rambling and giving a huge speech.

I’m just ready for this show to be over so that I can resume my normal life and figure out my career and next step. The biggest reason I feel guilty and undeserving of this vacation is because I have nothing lined up for me and marriage could be an easy trap that could lead to settling and seeking comfort. I have to make sure that I am focused and determined, and allow this stepping stone in my life to be a stability that could help me be more successful and driven.

I am somewhat regretful that I have to feel this way about the wedding, but the timing is just what it is. I am excited for the future and the life I will build with my fiancé, and would love for this event to be over so we can start our lives. One thing I would be sad about this event being over would be that it would mean I would have to leave my parents for a while again.