Milord, we need strict rules for proclaiming ‘Bharat Mata ki Jai’

You know what Amitabh Bachchan did to the national anthem, don’t you?

In front of a capacity crowd, an Eden Gardens capacity crowd, in the presence of the indomitable Didi, he squandered 30 seconds of national time in a self-indulgent rendition of Jana Gana Mana. Thirty seconds! You know what can happen in 30 seconds? A flyover can fall in 30 seconds. But while we don’t have any mechanism to keep flyovers from falling, we still have some patriots left who willingly make the supreme sacrifice of leisure, turn their back on family and interests, and armed only with a stopwatch and infinite love for the motherland expose the enemies of the state.

But a Patriot is only a heat-seeking missile without the guidance of babudom. Imagine, had the Ministry of Home Affairs not shown the foresight to codify the anthem, fixing a 52-second window for its singing, where would we be? People would take forever over it—as long as it takes to fly from Delhi to Panama City or to bring Vijay Mallya home.

That’s why facts are free but the comments and opinion of those in authority are sacred. There is a reason behind the decision to fly the Tricolor in universities on 207-foot-high masts. (I can tell you what it is but you will have to file an RTI appeal first.) Earlier, there was a reason for not letting ordinary people fly the flag from their houses and stick it on the dashboards of their cars. There is always a reason, and it is always in the interest of the nation.

Therefore, milord, I pray to you to lay down rules for the vociferation of ‘Bharat Mata ki Jai’. There is immense scope for mischief in the slogan’s present unregulated state. For instance, many elongate the cry of “Bharat”, and pause momentarily before “Mata ki Jai.” They are plainly cocking a snook at the nation, inserting a comma where none should be. We want people to say “Bharat Mata ki Jai”, which is not the same as “Bharat (comma) Mata ki Jai”, because in the latter case we don’t know whose “mata” is being honoured.

Even more sinister and common is the pause after “ki”. Milord, having grown up in the Hindi heartland and being exposed to Punjabi from childhood, I know that “teri ma ki” is a prickly term of endearment. So when the leader of an assembly cries out “Bharat Mata ki” with full strength and pauses for the crowd to echo “Jai”, who knows what’s going on in their minds? Therefore, it should be compulsory for every sloganeer to complete the cry. There should be no pauses and no effects, just “Bharat Mata ki Jai”. For consistency with the national anthem, we should set 0.52 seconds as the interval between the words. And since we have mandated 207 feet as the height for flagpoles, it should be compulsory to complete the cry in 2.07 seconds.

What do you mean it’s not possible? India is the birthplace of zero. Zero is nothing. Nothing is impossible. Only traitors can refuse to comply with these conditions. Off with their heads!