A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A REAL VAMPIRE

I finished the vampire novels and just sat there on my coffin for a few minutes. I couldn’t believe that after centuries of terrorising people, my reputation is that of a sexual object. I will not stand this!!

But wait…maybe I can use this to my advantage. I put my devious mind to use (yes my mind is ABSOLUTELY DEVIOUS! No I don’t use it to wax wussy poetry for teenage girls). Usually, I prey on homeless people no one will miss and I long for fresh, young blood. And if the media is to be believed (just because I sleep in a coffin doesn’t mean I don’t keep up with technology), then young girls everywhere will do anything to fall in “love” with a vampire. If I play this right I can feast on young blood every once in a while. The catch is… I’ll probably have to lose some dignity. Oh well..

I slather my body with sunscreen. It won’t stop me from burning up but it sure as hell delays the process. I can stay out in the sun for as long as 20 minutes at a go, before my skin even turns red. Anyways, the first thing I do is go buy loads of body glitter (told ya…goodbye dignity..hello young blood), Then I wait for a potential victim.

After a half an hour wait, I see a girl with a “Team ******* (I don’t want to mention names.. it’s just an embarrassment on my people)”. I quickly lather glitter on my face and walk into the sunlight.

Girl *annoying squeal*: OMG OMG OMG!! You are tall, pale AND GLITTERY!! I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE!!!

Me *remembering sorry excuse for dialogues from the book*: Say it out loud.

Girl: A vampire!!!! Omg I totally love you!! Please please turn me into a vampire..I want to be with you forever!

Me *man..this is too easy*: I’m a gentleman kind of a guy..since like..I’m from a different time..so I must ask you to write a letter to your parents that you are running away and meet me in the woods in an hour.

[Girl skips away]

I turn into a bat (cause I’m the real deal) and go and wait in the woods. The girl is there in less than an hour and willingly becomes my meal.

Man…this was the best meal I’ve had in years. Maybe these books aren’t that bad after all. [insert evil vampiric laugh]