Why are people have such insatiable needs? When we aspire to do, and picture ourselves doing, and then don’t, we end up despising the present time. We will not be satisfied if the outcomes of our aspirations are not met. I find expecting more of everything I do. Expecting more of everyone I meet. The complicated feeling of not feeling accomplished fully is a constant in my life. But, I am not sure I am correct all the time… If I really am not fully accomplished consistently.
Accomplishment and satiety comes to me as: having good friends, doing what I feel is right at all costs, getting recognized outwardly for what I do, getting noticed for who I am, goals being met etc. I am too hard on myself. I have a need for things to be extremely perfect at the moment for me to be completely happy. Once one of the things that makes me feel sated is not met then it all comes apart, and nothing can put the pieces back together for that moment.
We have this need to have everything under control in the present because if it isn’t then we can’t call it a happy present, then look and wait for a happy future to come. This future is still coming for me, and I am still grasping the concept of living in the moment.
I have this friend, which I call a friend because we have been close since we were younger. In the past years it was hard for me to keep her close because other relationships had made me hard, cold, and selective with my inner circle of friends, which to be quite frank I called out to be = to 0 in quantity. She was always nice to me, but something always bothered me about her; I wanted her to be more than she was, to meet my expectations of a friend. This person never would, and should change for me. She is substantially amazing and cherishes me to a great extent. I was so blinded by my projections and expectations, that I couldn’t see what was in front of me: someone who actually cared. Which was all I ever wanted. All I ever needed.
All I ever need is right on front of me but I have this constant instinct to make it smaller in my head than it is. A friend that I lacked was directly in front of me, and I belittled her. It’s the rush of the moment that makes my head cluttered and goes with the wrong choices. It’s what I tell myself that makes everything less gratifying. I keep telling myself that everything has to be difficult, when in reality the things in our lives that are going to be difficult are the ones that we don’t tell ourselves that are. It’s the situations in life that take us by surprise. My situation with this friend was simple, easy, and I did not have to overcomplicate it. I did not have to make my expectations higher, I just needed to let that part of me go and let her in. Let everything in my life flow, relieve the pressure and need for satiety.
When I realized this, everything fell into place perfectly. Everything was not hard; it was easy. I was who I wanted to be, and people saw me that way. I was commended for what I did. I felt achievement, magnetized onto me as soon as the pressure of neediness left the room. I was no longer oppressed by my own expectations of people and achievement. I could be with the friend I closed down, because she was still there, waiting for me to open up, and all made sense, I already had achieved something, something more than I could never have explained: I achieved friendship, what more than that can I ask for?
With that I say, the future will bring me excitement, prosperity, and the sense of progress, just as long as the present becomes what I need, what I know I already have, what is easy, and what I vow to live for.