Small, but not so SMALL…

I am walking to the exit of school, ready to leave an ambience of stress behind. Right in front of me was a friend of mine, that I normally did not talk to. Days ago I was in a very ugly bad mood, so to me it seemed pointless to go and talk to her. She was feeling happy. That day was a hard day. For me it was a day that defined my school future. But close to exiting the school, she saw me and stayed back, and said “Hey Cami”. I looked down puzzled, thinking, of all the people she could have said hi to she said hi to me. She then questioned my hesitation, and I explained that I wasn’t feeling well, that I was completely depressed. She hugged me, and I immediately hugged her back. “Everything is going to be alright” she said. She kissed the top of my head and left. I smiled, but not one of those smiles you have to fake everyday, to make people think you feel fine, a true smile. A smile that I rarely give away to anyone. A smile that if I give you, you’ve made me happy.

Today, twenty four hours after what I just mentioned, I am questioning the meaning and purpose of the situation. Why did I think I had to write about this? Then I realized that this was one of the small, and few moments right now that I have felt genuinely happy. Throughout these years I have been deviating from my goal of being happy. But I never really asked myself what is happiness? I tried to research what made people happy, watched videos, read articles, and then tried to define the term myself. Which I then summed up as: happiness is fulfilling your passions and developing deep relationships. These deep relationships, I realize are not present in my life, because of my lack of interaction with people.

This interaction with my friend proves that happiness comes from the most minuscule things in life. We may never take notice of them, but they always happen, and are there to make our days not suck that much. This was one of these moments for me. This was a moment where I realized that I was lacking friends, and lacking strong knitted relationships. And most of the time for us people, all it takes is a small gesture that then turns into the most grand and meaningful moment. So if we don’t have those types of interactions often, loneliness can be an easy venue for many of us.

Have you ever been with a large group of people and felt lonelier as if you were in literally alone? I’ve been experiencing this contradiction of situations these past years millions of times. You’re sitting there listening to everyone talk. You don’t know how or when to pitch in, the hours go by and you realize you haven’t spoken to anyone. You haven’t had a single interchange with a breathing human being since you got there and it feels awful. You want to leave and never come back. That’s what ends up happening, you never go back, because you feel that nobody wants to talk to you.

That is what solitude is, and why I feel that what I shared above was priceless, so significant. I didn’t have to talk to her much, all it took was a hug and a kiss for comfort and care to be passed on to me. With this I learned that interactions like these are needed for my existence and sanity.

So again, if happiness to me is fulfilling your passions and having deep relationships, how can I have more of these interactions in my life, so I can be happier? First of all, I need to start to create situations where I can talk to people I know and tell them what I feel, because maybe they care, and they don’t know how to approach me. I don’t know. I sometimes push people away just because of the simple fear that won’t fit onto their conversation. I also don’t talk to people because I straight up think that they won’t like me, or they won’t find me engaging. It’s seems so hard, but I have to start from something, and I have to follow what I set for myself, which is to create strong knit relationships, and interact with people purposefully.

And if I do… “Everything is going to be alright”