Help! My A+ 13yrs daughter is into gangbangs!

My 13 daughter is a lovely girl who is doing well and is really quite popular at school. However, over the last 3 months, I have caught her logging on to hardcore pornography sites. When I catch her in the act, I try to to talk to her about it but she just sulks. I have said:“I understand you are curious, but there are erotica sites that show a truer reality of what happens between consenting parties” and I am happy to give her the links if she wants and I added:“hardcore pornography is for the pleasure of men and involves the subjugation, humiliation and degradation of women and is an inaccurate reflection of what sex is all about” Despite activating broadband blockers, she is a computer whiz and has managed to bypass every stumbling block I have put in place. I am at my wits end. I have asked her father, my ex, to speak to her but he is refusing to and says ‘this is a woman’s only matter’. Please, please, help me!- Panicked Mom

A Hi Panicked Mom, I’m sorry that you’re having a hard time with your daughter’s viewing habits. It’s also unfortunate that the father isn’t interested in participating in these important discussions. When I was 13, I masturbated quite a bit and even got caught a few times, just like your teenage daughter. I watched many questionable interactions in porn but what was harmful to me was not the XXX content I was digesting, but the harsh scolding I received from my mother, which caused shame, embarrassment and could very well have lead to many other dysfunctions. I concede that my views on porn are perhaps very liberal and that I don’t have children of my own to draw experience from, however I do suspect that you are overreacting and it is wise to ease up on your wonderful daughter. Your daughter isn’t watching illegal porn, she’s an A+ student and a stable teenager learning to navigate the world. It isn’t fair to project your fears and anxieties about sex onto an otherwise healthy sexual exploration. The great values that you have instilled in your daughter regarding feminism and self love are not eradicated because of her porn viewing choices. It’s probably a good idea to have gentle conversation about sex, body image and porn in a balanced scenario that isn’t cloaked in your disapproval and judgement. You should feel relieved to learn that most teenagers actually grow up to distinguish online fantasy from reality, just as I did. There are not very many studies on teenagers and their brains on porn but a notable one is mentioned in this article and was published in the Journal of Sex. The study aptly named Lust, Love, and Life: A Qualitative Study of Swedish Adolescents’ Perceptions and Experiences with Pornography” used data from 36 girls and 37 boys aged 14–20 years in Sweden and determined “most had the ability to distinguish between pornographic fantasies on the one hand, and real sexual interactions and relationships on the other.” Take a chill pill mom, you got this!