How to Defeat Nuclear North Korea
China has stated they’re unhappy their Communist Island Getaway, North Korea, has gone nuclear.
Before, when it was just SoKo and US that were staring at the DPRK across the DMZ, there wasn’t much to be done. Now, we’ve got the world’s largest manufacturer of Ridiculously Unnecessary Stuff to aid in the battle.
Japan has been forever upset with Lil’ Kim, but the historical… issues… with their Pacific Rim neighbours have been a major hurdle to cooperation. (*cough* World War II *sniffle*)
We’ve got an alliance of rivals, and we’ve all got skills and talents to bring to the 49th Parallel Party.
Thanks to the Kim clan keeping their people in the dark for a half century, they’ve got no idea the coolest cheap crap one can acquire on AliExpress. (War is expensive, dammit. Gotta save a few won somewhere.) Extra bonus: some of it will explode on its own!
So, in the interests of Stopping Nuclear Korea On The Cheap, I hereby provide, in classical Communist bombast:
ULTIMATE BATTLE PLAN OF GREAT VICTORY
(AGAINST FISCAL AUSTERITY BUDGET BECAUSE, Y’KNOW, REPUBLICANS AND CHINA AND ABENOMICS)
First, you need an air force that will frighten the enemy. As Nuclear Korea hasn’t had so much as a tasty dragonfly in its airspace for years for some reason, if their sky was suddenly inundated with tiny flying things, they’d freak out.
Particularly if they were inedible.
Let’s begin with this.
A $5 drone with a camera. And a whopping 2% discount if we buy more than three!
Considering we’ll need thousands, that 10¢ per adds up.
We can always upgrade the camera to a laser dot so we can paint targets.
You know a $3 laser screams quality.
Adding Capitalist choices of color will be a disturbingly delightful change of pace for the NuKo army, for whom the concept “💡 at 🌃” doesn’t compute.
With the laser light show, we need some pumping tunes. I suggest Amazon Prime’s EDM or Drum N Bass feeds. The entertainment industry must do its part for victory — by convincing the NuKo troops the earth beneath their feet is shaking.
For that, sadly we need ol’fashioned Pentagon hardware. Pump the music through an LRAD sound cannon, and they will be unable to resist the beat. (By which I mean feel the dissatisfaction of the Forever President burning in their flesh.)
It’s a better use than harassing nonviolent protesters in the US, at any rate.
Now we’ve got a few psychops, I mean, beautiful deep images we need to convey to the NuKos. I can’t think of anything more frightening than Darth Vader on a hoverboard.
MAYBE DARTH VADER IN A SANTA SUIT ON A UNICYCLE WITH FLAMING BAGPIPES.
C’mon. Dark Lord of the Sith floats towards you? If I didn’t know “Star Wars,” I’d be terrified.
Darth costumes are all over the Western world. Find one that fits over battle-grade body armor, and send the lucky soldier onto the Bridge of No Return on one of these.
Of course, Japan is pissed off as well. We could requisition one robot to lead the Forces of the Evil Empire instead of a soldier. (Sadly, the Japanese robot is less likely to explore than the self balancing microscooter.)
Get James Earl Jones to hurl insults in Hangul and send them across the loudspeakers. Or Samuel L Jackson. Someone with gravitas and a voice more oozing more machismo than the entirety of NuKo.
So far, we’ve got the Air Force, and the leader of the ground attack. As far as actual ground forces, we need a two pronged attack:
- neutralize NuKo armed forces
- turn the masses using “insert military obfuscospeak for gorging ‘em on food”
Japan historically has been most willing to assist with technical support in warzones. Top Gear demonstrated how Toyota Hiluxes (and their North American bloated cousin, the Tacoma) are nigh indestructible and relatively easy to keep going.
Mount miniguns in the back, load food underneath, and stay with the proud American tradition of confusing arms and alms towards our adversaries.
We can even find a use for all those diesel Beetles that’ll be recalled. Instead of just letting Vee-Dub crush them or retrofit them, why not use them for the world’s biggest game of punch buggy?
Drop them onto the DMZ minefields!
I’m sure no one with enough cash to back this plan up will listen and become a hero of our planet.
There’ll be the Security Council resolution condemning NuKo for performing fission bomb testing. They’ll tighten sanctions, and the black markets focused around the NuKo consulates will likely increase activities in counterfeiting, narcotrafficking, their other enterprises.
The Kims and the High Castle of NuKo will live the high life, while the people suffer- I mean, enjoy the beneficence of Glorious Leader in enhanced rationing control measures.
There’s nothing that boosts an economy like a good, cheap, effective war. Only wish these busted economies would wake up and syringe while the Juche Tower is still radiating excess heat.
There’s an easy, simple way you can show how much you want to commit violence against my person for making you read through this: just give tick that heart icon you see either ↘ or ↙. My suppliers, um, I mean, the Joint Cheap Strike Force will save a South Korean Won for each ❤ received.
Share your ideas on how we can further lower the cost of war below. Eternal Leader will be pleased.
photo credits: AliExpress screenshots, Moranbong Band - Without A Break (which I highly recommend viewing — it’s truly trippy.)
(edit- fixed youtube embeds — mobile client vs desktop. yay.)