“Personalized” First (Spam) Messages for Online Dating

Some of you readers are going to send spam first messages, and it’s just a fact. Similar to giving condoms to your teenage child, but not actually wanting them to have sex, I’ve created a list of first messages for you spammers out there. If you’re going to do it, it’s time for you to up your game from “Hi, how are you?” or “You’re so pretty,” (or worse, ‘wanna f***?’) and get a little more personalized.

How can you simultaneously send spam messages that are personalized, you ask? Well, when you’ve gone through thousands of profiles like I have, you’ll notice they all start to blend together — people list the same few interests, though it varies a little bit, city to city. Traveling, pets, hiking, Harry Potter, and baking/cooking are a few examples. Search for those keywords when perusing your ideal matches, and refer to this handy cheatsheet of messages to get a slightly better response rate. Protip: Skim through the profile to make sure that they don’t actually answer these questions before asking them, and change the text to suit your needs, and save them in a document somewhere.

1. Interest: Harry Potter

Message: So what house did the Sorting Hat put you into? I was originally a Hufflepuff, for being hardworking and loyal, but the online test more recently put me in Ravenclaw. I guess that makes me a …Huffleclaw?

(You can take take the Sorting Hat test here)

2. Interest: Hiking

Message: Do you have a favorite place to hike around Louisville? I really like going out to Jefferson Memorial Forest with my pups, though the ticks can get pretty awful.

3. Interest: Traveling

Message: So are you more the traveling to Yellowstone National Park to see the grizzly bears type, or do you like partying on the beach? I like both, personally, but I’ve spent more time on the beach lately. I really need to take a trip to Red River Gorge for a dose of nature soon.

4. Interest: Dogs

Message: What kind of dog(s) do you have? I really enjoy dog walks, and I have an Australian Cattle Dog myself/I’m looking to get X kind of dog myself.

5. Interest: Kids (this only works if you also have children)

Message: How old are your children? I have a daughter and son that are 6 and 8, and we’re a pretty big fan of Dora, pretending to be Jedis (I always have to be Kylo Ren, of course, since the kids want to be Finn and Rey), and cotton candy at state fairs.

6. Basketball/sports (be careful with this one — don’t use it unless you’re a fan of their preferred team, because of sports rivalry)

Message: My bracket is woefully lacking this year — all of the teams I picked lost in the first round. How is your bracket doing?

7. Trivia

Message: Which North African seaport is the name in Spanish for the white house? In the USA, what is celebrated on February 2nd, and also the name of a film? Those might be a little easy, but as a trivia guru, I thought you might appreciate them. ;) Are you a fan of either of those movies?

8. Baking/Cooking

Message: Were you ever formally trained in the art of cooking, or can you break out a cookbook like no one’s business? My favorite thing to bake is chocolate chip cookies, myself. A little cliche, but I’ve spent years perfecting my secret recipe.

Of course, the best thing to do is personalize all your first messages, especially utilizing First Impressionistas help, but if you’re going to send copied-and-pasted messages, make them a tad more thoughtful than “Hey, what’s up,” for the sake of all of those online daters out there.