Living with Anxiety

Omar Chowdhury
Sep 3, 2018 · 6 min read

I’m not sure how to start this or exactly what to write, but all I know is that anxiety sucks and I’m 100% sure of it. I’ve always been an anxious person and not necessarily in the social sense. I’ve always overthought things from a young age. Whether they were answers in multiple choice exams or something pointless, I would always fret over every single outcome and this made me even more nervous! But I didn’t realise how terrible it was and how much it would affect me until I was 15.

It was at that age where I had my first panic attack. It was the run up to my first GCSE exam and I had revised well for it. However, there was always this nagging doubt in my mind. What if I fail? What if all the hard work doesn’t pay off? And the one that hurt the most, what if I let the people that believe in me? The last one was the one that hurt the most because no one was pressurising me to do well, they obviously wanted to see me succeed but were never forceful over it. My parents, who I love and treasure always say whatever happens occurs for a reason, they had that same mentality with my examinations. But knowing this didn’t matter. I was afraid that I would, in some way, disappoint them. And so, I silently closed the door and cried. It was non-stop. The tears streaming down my face, the endless, relentless thoughts, questions and doubts racing around my head competing with each other for some perverted dominance. All it resulted in was me panicking even more. Thankfully, this part of the story has a happy ending as my mother quickly caught on to what was happening. We spoke for god knows how long but like that, my fears and anxiousness was eased temporarily. I would have bouts of anxiousness and nervousness throughout my teens but I had somehow managed to control them, however, it went all down hill when I had turned 19.

I was in my second year of university and everything seemed to be going well. I had a job and I was completing essays with weeks to spare (I only do this because if I don’t I’ll panic and I can’t work whilst I panic) but that’s when it started to creep back in; the nervousness, the doubts, the tears, the restless nights. Because what seemed like a great job was starting to have its toll. I began falling behind on meeting my deadlines because the work load was so much. I had to get through 4–5 hours worth work in 2 whilst completing it to a good enough standard. I couldn’t extend my hours either because of the university work that began piling up and that spelt disaster. The further I fell behind the more anxious and nervous I became because I felt I was letting people down again. This time it was my brother who had helped me get the job in the first place. The longer I worked there, the worse it became. What started off as nervousness soon became nausea and a heart that was racing. Whilst I was at work I could feel myself finding it difficult to breath. The more occupied I was doing the easier things the more I’d worry that ABC was not getting done and I was falling behind in DEF when in truth I wasn’t. Suddenly I’d see myself in the office not breathing properly, a heart that was beating so hard and fast I could feel it leaving my chest and my eyes rapidly opening and closing. This would happen on a daily basis and not just at work, it would happen during lectures, seminars, at lunch, writing essays heck even when waking up. I’d get up at 4:30 in the morning worrying about something I had little control over, yet knowing this it didn’t help. The longer I worked, the more it escalated. It got to a point that everytime my manager would message me I’d get into a frenzied state. I’d think, ‘what wrong have I done now?’, ‘what task have I failed completing?’ even though most of the time he asked a simple question. Even then the answer would be panicked. And I am not in any way trying to slander him, he was great and I learnt so many valuable lessons from him.

But I realised that working there, despite there being no toxicity and despite being a friendly environment was having a toll on me mentally to the point that all I thought about was work and how I perceived my self to be in a bottomless pit of failed deadlines and falling behind when in truth I wasn’t. This state of mind also had an effect on my university results as I had received some of my worst grades ever and you guessed it, this made me feel even worse than before. But it was also during those moments where I realised that having that job and studying was just impossible. I spoke with my mum at some length and we came to the conclusion that I had to focus on one or the other, and for the sake of my mental health I quit. Once I had done so, it felt as if someone had lifted the stone that was weighing so heavily on my chest. I could finally breathe easy again.

Now this is not to say that if something is difficult or challenging that you should just pack up and leave, heck I would not be in my final year of university if I did. But talking to someone, inviting them to share even an ounce of anxiety, pain or suffering that you are feeling helps. They say time heals all wounds and I don’t agree with it. Time only allows people to pent up their anxiety, nervousness or how hurt they are. It doesn’t provide a potential exit to how they feel. Using time as an excuse means waiting for something magical to happen, or to wake up one morning like ‘I feel great!’ when in truth life is not like that. It’s talking, allowing others to acknowledge the way you feel that helps. Is it scarier? Hell yeah it is scarier. But it’s worth it. When I spoke to my mum, I realised that the end of the storm may come in the most different ways. I would never consider myself as a person who would walk away. The competitor inside of me would want to see it to the end, but sometimes you have to take care of yourself first and speaking to my mum helped me realise this. Since leaving not only have my grades improved but so has my mental state. I still panic over the smallest of things and I think that will never change.

However, for now at least, the breathlessness, the broken sleep and the nausea have gone away. It may be and probably will be temporary but I know that I can fight it the next time it confronts me. Knowing that I left my job in a better place than it was when I had taken over has given me the confidence that I can do it even when I panic. And I guess what I’m trying to say is that you, if you are still reading, can do this too. Although you may be in the middle of something terrifying or worrying just know that you are in control and that there are people around you who care. Friends, family or work colleagues will all be there when you need them. At the end, you become a stronger, more layered person in the process. A person who can take more than they could prior to the latest horrifying experience because that is what it is: experience. It is something to learn and grow from. Like I say, I still panic about every small decision, running through all possible outcomes no matter how disastrous or insane they are. But I know now that I have the ability to get through it a better and stronger person, and I know you can to. Whenever I panic or worry now, I always go back to a lyric in a song that really resonates with me: ‘at the end of the storm, there is a golden sky’. And for me, at this stage of my life the storm for now is over, and the sky is bright.