Why Rejection is Actually Good for You
Your dreams were dismissed. Disregarded. Discarded.
We all experience it at some point. A promotion we fail to get. A boss who fires us. A romantic interest who’s uninterested. A spouse who leaves us.
Soon, even the toughest person feels unworthy and unloveable.
Rejection stinks. And it stings.
That’s because it follows the same neurological pathways as physical pain. So the pain you feel is real.
But then again, it’s all in your head, nobody’s physically clubbed you. And that’s a good thing, because it means you have the power to change it all.
By understanding the mechanism behind rejection, you can turn it from a soul-crushing defeat to something that leads to your heart’s true desires.
What really happens when you feel rejected
Rejection threatens your need to belong.
So you cycle through negative emotions, feeling in turn not good enough, unworthy, unlovable, confused, frustrated, sad, etc.
Next, you go on a search and destroy mission, looking for the flaws within that led to failure. It’s hard not to kick yourself because it gives you an illusion of control (over yourself) when faced with something you can’t control (someone else.)
If you grew up with critical parents, you learnt to hone that illusion to perfection. “If only I can be good, they will love me,” goes the story.
It’s not really about you
Instead of regaining control, you’ve given your power to someone else. You ask for a referendum and they get to decide your merit. Why do that to yourself?
Sacrificing yourself for the illusion of control is harmful because it turns you against yourself and away from the truth. Like a house of cards, rejection threatens the increasingly fragile edifice of your psyche.
In truth, it’s not you who was rejected, it’s an outcome you hoped for. There are many other possible outcomes and your job is to find one that’s right for you.
First, be honest about motives.
As a young adult, I dated a guy who seemed everything I was looking for. Naturally, I was crushed when he ended the relationship.
In hindsight, I wasn’t interested in him but rather in how he made me look. That’s because I was deeply insecure. The relationship was empty because I couldn’t be myself. It wasn’t a good match and he did us both a favor.
It’s not me who got turned down but what I was — wrongly — trying to gain.
The pain of rejection is optional
The emotional suffering of rejection is optional because it is based on a misunderstanding.
What rejection truly means is that you are going down the wrong path. It tells you that you need turn around.
A few years back, I interviewed for two jobs at two different companies. After the first round of interviews, I decided I’d rather work for company A. So when company B called for a second interview but not company A, I was upset.
The job at company B turned out to be much better than I anticipated.
A year later, we relaunched the corporate website. I was, with my boss and the technical director, on a panel that interviewed prospective providers. Lo and behold, the CEO of company A came to make a presentation. I mumbled something when he asked where he’d met me before.
After everyone had left at the end of the day, my boss and my colleague turned to me and asked “who was that nutcase?” That’s when I truly understood the saying that rejection is God’s protection.
If you understand that life is about learning and growing, expanding not contracting, and that the Universe has something better in store for you, then the pain of rejection is a choice you can forgo.
An invitation to a better life
Rather than turning against yourself, rejection invites you to adjust course.
It doesn’t want you to settle for second best, so it offers you the chance for something much better, something that’s truly right for you.
I started my writing career as a copywriter. It was great for a while until I got tired of writing about other people’s stuff. Suddenly, after 5 years, work dried up. That’s when I realized that another field of writing was my true calling. As soon as I made the switch, work became fun and easy.
If you can let go of your preconceived ideas of success — in my case, getting more copywriting clients — you will be amazed at what life can bring.
Today, my day is filled with activities that feed my soul, mornings of writing on a topic I’m passionate about, afternoons with my beloved horse, and evenings with my husband of 10 years and soulmate.
My life wasn’t always so idyllic. As a young adult, I was miserable. But things got better when I understood that closed doors meant I had to look for openings in other places instead of trying to force my way through.
Rejection is your mentor
You don’t like to feel rejected, I get it. Nobody does.
What happened is that you took as personal something that wasn’t against you. You’re chasing the illusion that you could change this particular outcome if only you performed better.
In fact, the employer or date that turned you down aren’t saying that you’re worthless. They’re saying that they want someone with different attributes.
You can’t change other people’s criteria to match yours. Nor do you need to.
Alice Schroeder writes in The Snowball that Warren Buffett applied to Harvard Business School because it offered things he couldn’t get by teaching himself: connections and prestige.
He was so confident he’d get in that he told a friend “join me at Harvard.”
Schroeder writes:
Warren was relying on his knowledge of stocks to make a good impression in the interview. So far his epicureans had been that whenever he started talking about stocks, people could not help but listen. His relatives, his teachers, his fellow students — all wanted to hear him discourse on this subject.
But he had misunderstood Harvard’s mission, which was to turn out leaders.
“I looked about 16 and and emotionally was about nine,” Buffett recalled. “I spent 10 minutes with the Harvard alumnus who was doing the interview, and he assessed my capabilities and turned me down.”
After HBS rejected him, Buffett considered Columbia University. He discovered that Benjamin Graham, the author of a book he’d just read and which he credits for giving him a framework for investing, was teaching a course on the craft of investment, Buffett’s true passion.
Buffett jumped at the chance of being mentored by Graham and applied to Columbia. He was accepted. He is now the third richest man in America with a net worth of $90.4B.
Getting Rejected By Harvard Was The Most Pivotal Moment Of My Life — Warren Buffett
How to make rejection work for you
Imagine a life where rejection no longer makes you feel bad about yourself. Instead, it uncovers better opportunities and deeper happiness. All you need is to change your perspective.
Stop making rejection about you. Quit looking inward and start looking outside of yourself for new possibilities.
And check your motives. Are you trying to flatter your ego or pursuing something that’d truly make your heart sing? The Universe can’t be fooled, so there’s not point in fooling yourself either.
You must live on life’s terms because reality can’t be bent.
Therefore, trust that your higher self knows best and let it guide you. Seek your answer (prayer and meditation are effective tools for receiving guidance) and if you are honest about your desires, you will get it.
It may sound like work but it’s worth it. Because the feeling that comes from living the life that’s right for you is unbelievably good.
There you will find your peace too.
