Words hurt. Regardless of being tough, or strong, or maybe I am just being “dramatic”. They build up. They hurt. Oh but that isn’t for me to decide, you get to decide how i am suppose to feel. You basically get to decide everything for me; my image, my reputation, my group of friends, my confidence. But you do not get to decide if i am human. Which i am. Not only am i but you are as well. Something we have in common, as crazy as that is. And as you have feelings, i do too. Feelings that get torn apart every moment i step into public, but you know that. You see it. you are okay with it.
To boy #1. Years. Years gone by, and we are still as apart of each others lives. Oh but not by my choice. Maybe not by yours. As you say you can not come within inches of my presence, your mouth does not stop running. Going out of your way to make people dislike me like you do, or asking “why do you hangout with her?” Why do you care? For you hate me SO much you are obsessed with the fact of tearing me down and making me some person YOU decided i was. Well you aren’t God. The world may worship your every step, but i can’t. Breaking tackles only gets you so far, for when you are alone you’ll remember the people you hurt as you stepped on them walking through this imaginary hallways of fame. When all you did was neglect me, i cared for you through it. Every step. Call me crazy for trying, for caring, for thinking i could ever look past who you really are, for trying to make something out of nothing. I had hope, and got lost, and for that got hatred.
To boy #2. Such a kind hearted young man. Someone easy to fall in love with, him and his family. Made things easy. Oh and they were, easy, until the flames ignited. Now we are here. I was burnt, broken and betrayed. For i was LIED too, CHEATED on, and told i wasn’t GOOD enough. through all of it, all i could do is love you and forgive you. You are right about one thing, it did make me crazy. Crazy for thinking something good could happens for ONCE. Crazy for thinking you weren’t that person and i could believe you. But now you aren’t the light, you are just like every other person i know. Man, how crazy to think what a year can do.
To the people chanting my name tonight… I see them. You do not have to remind me. Guess what, I wasn’t good enough. I couldn’t be what he needed, but thanks for reminding me she could. Thank you for reminding me my once best friend, could care less how i felt. You all chant and laugh, what’s funny? Isn’t it weird how someone can genuinely be heart broken, feel worthless about something, and we laugh. “HEY, LOOK!! The boy who never actually cared about you, found a girl to sleep with,” how wonderful. and I am so happy it happened.
To the girls. Yes all of you who spend your free time talking down on others.. I’m sorry i am your target. I have made it easy. I’m attention seeking, a try hard, selfish, desperate, a whore, a prude, fake, a liar. I’m whatever you want me to be. If it helps you sleep at night to know that I can’t because of the labels you stick then so be it. At least one of us can escape to dreams. Keep targeting me, forever until your lungs can’t bare it, but do not go after someone else. Put the blame on me.
To you.. You can’t determine someone else’s pain. Maybe along with the labels and the words stuck in their brain every waking moment, they have other things going on. It’s not all about what is on the screen, or what comes to surface. One person can only juggle so much on their own, and the more you pile the harder it gets. Guess what, i’m burnt out. My fuse is no longer able to light. So keep your matches on me at all times, and keep burning the ashes of my remains. Rock bottom is an understatement at this point so why stop? You are accomplishing the goal of making someone feel so low, and so hated when they walk into a room that they don’t even want to look in the mirror anymore. You’ve got your wish. For i am strong enough, but someone else might not be. Before you know it, you push someone so far they might simply disap