OK soon is gonna be time for another Internet sabbatical. It will of course run in conjuction with me real world one to.
I have them every so often, seems less as I get older, cos basically there’s somthing wrong with me. Maybe not wired right? I know the why, I know am not all to blame….blah blah fucking psycho babble blah blah bullshit. In the end, so wot, it still happens…I feel the bile rising, the malicious magna that lays dormant stirring, or wotever other cliché you like to label it. Basically I know very soon am gonna explode…so I run away from the world until am done.
Me beautiful man, he knows to, already he’s ‘treading on egg shells’ around me. I hate meself for that, which in turn stokes the fires within even further…catch 22. Little things, that maybe most don’t notice, or brush off as mild annoyances, are starting to really grate on me. Like last night at the local shop, a Tescos Express
Not long finished work, walking home I realise I need milk…this annoys me, as now I have to go 10 minutes out me way an it’s raining. Also I’m very cold wearing denim shorts an no coat, luckily I robbed me BFs Timberland hoody, tho not waterproof at least it’s a bit of warmth.
Anyways get to shop looking like a drowned rat, get milk, queue up. The OAP dithering about with her cash card is taking too long, deep breathes not her fault…chill out. The man behind me with his 4 pack of cheap lager ‘tuts’ in annoyance too. That pisses me off, how fucking rude is that !…yet I just thought the same? Then he shouts “Oh c’mon hurry up”….Is then I turn on him, not even giving a moments thought “WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, SHE’S DOING HER BEST SO SHUT UP OR FUCK OFF”…He shuts up, luckily for me probly. Even so, wot right do I have to have done that, or more importantly they way I handled it?
Another incident, much worse, and if am honest with meself again my fault. I used to go hiking/ camping with 4 real cool guys. Older than me, met thru shopping at a Black’s store. We’d be walking together for some months, the first or second weekend each month. Mostly day hikes, but in summer we’d try get a weekend in an camp overnight. I actually wrote a short story about them, wrapped in fiction it also told many truths.
So we are camped in Derbyshire after a days hike, tents set, were sat chatting waiting for the water to boil. There’s a few camped around in the large field, maybe 6 other tents lots of space between us, kids playing in the late summer sun…is nice. Until 4 guys about my age (mid 20s) start playing their crap modern RnB music really load on a stereo. The 4 guys looked at each other all annoyed, as I wos. Minutes later the owner of the campsite, an old man in his 70s I reckon, drives up to them on a small tractor. An argument ensues, can’t hear anything that’s said tho, but basically he’s jeered off..the music continues annoying the whole site, ruining everyone’s day.
Me long fake nails are digging deep in me palms…no ones doing anything, NO ONES DOING ANYTHING….that’s when I stand up, march across the field to them, proper straight lining the largest guy sat on a chair. As I get close he starts to stand up, just before he’s stood, his knees are still slightly bent, without a word I headbutt him, right on his nose…it explodes. He falls back in his chair an then falls over onto his back…in me head i wanna stamp on his throat…but don’t.
I think his mates are just to stunned to do anything. I pick up the stereo, smash it against a tree an just say “Pack up, an go”. Once again luckily they did. Probly more to do with one of the men camping with his family is now standing by me side.
The guys I walk with I’ve never seen again, I’m to ashamed.
I know me anger issues are no ones fault, their mine to bare alone. Again, I know the reasons behind them. Writing has been very therapeutic for me. But it hasn’t stopped it. I know when it’s coming. I been told on good authority, it’s when I go quiet that it’s time to worry. So these days like some TV morally conscious werewolf…I hide away from the world, until the feelings passed. Instead I’ll go to the gym, kickboxing, running, an eat nothing…well very little, just tire meself out, it works.
Right now, tho writing this, am alone in our flat, no TV no radio, drinking coffee…being very very quiet.