“We are here to help each other through this thing… whatever it is.” Writer Kurt Vonnegut
As an inherit and eternal human condition, we are simultaneously associated with numerous social groups, giving us an overlapping patchwork of identities and social responsibilities. The prevailing mainstream/liberal culture has us focused on individualism, “YOLO”, “personal journey”, “self-actualization”, etc., and as such, our self-identity continually inflates and overshadows our group identities. While this hyper-emphasis on individualism is liberating after millenniums of oppression of the individual soul, it also leaves us confused and conflicted about how we fit into the various groups that we are part of, voluntary or otherwise. Adding to the confusion is the fact that, on one hand, traditional/conservative cultures expect us to comply with the collective rules developed in the past, and, on the other hand, ever-changing technologies, relations and communities push us to redefine and reposition ourselves in various group settings. It is thus important to be aware of our group affiliations, and how our relations to them evolve in our day and age.
Self
We have a relation with ourselves. In fact, most of our time on earth is spent in solitary — whether physically or in mind space — with our bodies, our thoughts, our subconscious. Self is a topic discussed amply in Self. Just a few things to add here.
Self-relation is the kernel of all relations. Having a robust relation with oneself is a prerequisite for forming other mutually-beneficial relationships. It also helps us uphold a sense of self and weather adversities when we are at odds with the outside world. Just listen to i by Kendrick Lamar ▶️.
When our self is uncertain, depressed or destroyed, it’s hard for us to explore, build or maintain any relationship. When we are too self-important, serving only ourselves, we could be missing out on what other relations have to offer. When our life is too full of people, we may lose ourselves. When we feel lonely ▶️, our health suffers.
Romance / Sex
Romantic and sexual relation is a very special kind of relationship. In no other relation would you wish to be so close to another being that you literally fuse with one another. Romance feels pretty freaking good and it’s no wonder — you are simultaneously loved and validated, by someone who’s not even biologically related to you. If your special someone is very different from you, it can feel as if a whole new world has opened up when you fall in love.
All this loveliness, of course, is evolution’s way of seducing us into reproducing and raising children. While in our crowded world, humanity doesn’t necessarily need all of us to procreate to ensure the virility and diversity of the gene pool, we can still enjoy romantic love, long or short, intense or fleeting, as one of the most amazing experiences in our existence.
Evidently ▶️, our sexual orientation is not chosen, “but rather a naturally varying occurrence among human beings, like height” [1:33]. As long as we respect ourselves and our partners, all of us should pursue and enjoy romance without any stigma or shame.
In this post-Tinder era, however, navigating romance has become loveless and disillusioning for many. For example, sociologist Lisa Wade, author of American Hookup: The New Culture of Sex on Campus 📖, found that “…some men on campus don’t feel comfortable with the competitive or disconnected relationship to sexuality that’s part of hookup culture”, whereas “…after graduation many of the women were feeling completely at a loss for how to manage relationships — they felt the hookup script and dating script were simultaneously in play, and never knew which one to follow .” The reality is: “…73 percent of men and 70 percent of women say they would like a relationship in college… a lot of what students need is just an acknowledgment that the [hookup] stereotype is partial, and largely fails to capture human life. If students are brave enough to say what they want, they will encounter other people who feel similarly.”
The opposite end of the spectrum to the hookup culture is marriage, a social and legal contract in which you are committed to spending the rest your time on earth in a monogamous partnership, hopefully lovingly, with another person. Marriage binds romantic partners into a family unit ready to be expanded, e.g., with kids and pets. Given that the modern divorce rate is averaging around 50% and there are many other forms and flavors of romantic relationship to choose from (at least in developed, liberal countries), marriage is to be engaged with careful deliberation ▶️ to ensure that both parties, as well as relevant members, will thrive on its rigorous format without being hurt.
With significant romantic partners, we tend to share all of our other relationships: we share our bodies and minds, introduce our families, make common friends (and split them up after breaking up), have kids, and decide jobs, neighborhoods, even the future together.
That said, there is a danger to overshare your life with your partner. It is unreasonable to expect our partner to know our every nook and cranny, or to share every want and need, wish and desire as us, especially in this day and age when our own selves keep evolving all the time. As psychotherapist Esther Perel muses in a TED talk ▶️: “Marriage [used to be] an economic institution, in which you were given a partnership for life in terms of children and social status and succession and companionship. But now we want our partner to still give us all these things, but in addition I want you to be my best friend and my trusted confidant and my passionate lover to boot, and we live twice as long. So we come to one person, and we basically are asking them to give us what once an entire village used to provide. Give me belonging, give me identity, give me continuity, but give me transcendence and mystery and awe all in one. Give me comfort, give me edge. Give me novelty, give me familiarity. Give me predictability, give me surprise.”
Realistically, it is unlikely that our one true love is waiting somewhere on earth to complete us. Instead, meeting someone special is a game of probability with variables such as our background, looks, sociability, locations, effort and luck. We may meet many soulmates at different stages in our lifetime, or we might never quite meet that special someone. Either way, we can still have a full, fruitful life..
Read about other relationships in the 21st century:
- Family
- Friends
- School
- Work
- Communities
- Social status
- Consumer groups / Economies
- Political Systems
- Memes / Ideologies / Religions
- Humanity
- Environment / World
- Universe / Beyond Our Universe
Do you have any suggestions, doubts, hypothesis or experience for this topic? Please comment below 👇!
