I Have a Special Glow?
A few of my neighbors were having some fun with me in the water while our parents prepared a mouthwatering BBQ. We were all splashing around while Maria Camila and her cousin, Mafe were playing with a giant floaty. Maria Camila motioned for me to get onto the floaty, so I climbed onto it. As I sat down and looked at my friends I realized that Mafe was glaring at me from the water and I felt this eerie tension that broke once my mom finally called me because lunch was ready. I got off the floaty and sawm out of the pool.
As I was walking towards the table I could hear Maria Camila and Mafe talking and looking at me. I thought nothing of it, so I just headed to the table and walked up to my mom. She embraced me in a tight hug and I sat on her lap as I waited for the rest to come join us. Maria Camila showed up first, she was wrapped in a white towel and had another one on her head. I got off my moms lap and followed her to get a drink.
“My cousin doesn’t really like you,” she said.
“What, why?” I answered defensively.
“She thinks that you’re too happy all the time, and she finds it pretty obnoxious.”
I didn’t really know what to think of the situation, but in the moment I don’t remember being affected by it, so I just shrugged and walked back to my seat with a coke can in my hand. Maria Camila’s cousin joined us at the table shortly after and I pretended like nothing was wrong. After eating we continued playing until the sun set, but I couldn’t stop thinking about what Maria Camila had told me, even if I wasn’t particularly hurt by it.
That same night, when I was talking to my parents before I went to bed, I told them what Maria Camila’s cousin had said about me. My mom told me that I shouldn’t listen to people that talk behind my back and that there will always be people that aren’t happy with their lives so they decide to talk about yours. My dad told me that I should always try to be happy and if it bothers someone else it no longer is my problem. I thought that what they were saying made a lot of sense and I was satisfied with their wise advice. They both kissed my forehead and I promptly fell asleep.
I was about 9 years old when all of that occured, and many years later, I’ve noticed that unlike in the past, I let people get to me. When people talk behind my back I don’t think of the wise words that my parents told me that night. I get wrapped in my thoughts and bring myself down. It’s my own thoughts that kill me now. I decided to talk about all of this because lately, I’ve been thinking about who I am, and most of the time I’m not very happy with it. I it seems to me that the more I think about life, the more it feels surreal. I let people like Mafe label me without them having a valid reason, and instead of trying to prove them wrong by being happy and being myself, I fit right into the molds that they have build for me. I feel like I need to feel loved by others when I am not even loved by myself. So I let people into my life, in hopes that they will stay, but they never seem to, because I don’t cheer them up. I have been so down lately, that my parents have started to notice, and they remind me of that particular day, when Maria Camila’s cousin got mad because I was too happy of a person. My dad always tells me that I need to radiate so much love and positivity that it annoys people. I need to be the person that others envy because they can’t be as happy as me no matter what they do. And I constantly think about what he tells me, focusing on trying to be that person, but its been hard to do so. One night I even started crying in front of my parents because I felt so unhappy with myself and the next morning I woke up to a note on my dinning table.
It read:
“You have a special glow that defines you. Don’t let anyone take that away from you. Learn to heal when people break you and you will see that you will shine brighter than before.”
Love, Papushi
I read the note over and over again, trying to convince myself that I was the person that my father saw. Trying to convince myself that I was his perfect little princess, but I just sat and cried over my breakfast. I thought about how I had always been a happy person, so what and when did things go wrong, when did I start to change. When did I stop being able to think about my existence without wanting to break down. That is when I really took in the fact that I’ve been focused on trying to be the person that others want me to be, and I haven’t been trying to be the person that I really am meant to be, and that Is the problem. It took a simple act of kindness for me to look deep down into my soul and notice what had gone wrong. I was busy trying to make people accept me instead of learning to accept myself. Ever since that day I have taken that yellow note around with me everywhere, and I read it whenever I feel unhappy with myself. At a party last weekend I felt very empty so I decided to talk to this boy from school and tell him a bit of what I had been feeling and he told me to focus on who I am instead on who everyone else is. He told me that I was made with a fire burning inside of me so that I could light up my own world. He told me that I was made with everything I could possibly ask for, for a reason, so I can use it to become the best version of me, and I never knew that that boy had that in him. I thought he was shallow but there was so much more to him, which shows how I also label people, I obviously didn’t do it on purpose but I guess it is what we are used to doing. Finally I realize how easy it is to judge someone and I now know that I can’t let these people bring me down because I get to decide who I want to be. And I still don’t know who or what I want to be, but I know for sure that I don’t want to let people tell me who I am, and In order to achieve that I need to stop trying to be accepted by others and learn to accept myself for who I am meant to be.
