A Guide to Surviving a Funeral

Jose Antonio Huambo
Sep 1, 2018 · 4 min read

When I was ten years old, I went to my great grandmother’s funeral, and I did not know what was going on. Then I realized that because everyone grows and then dies, this is something reasonable to attend. Two years later I was obligated to go to another funeral and of course, like always, I was observing everything that happened, and I learn some things not to say when you are at a funeral.

Now you may ask me, Why do I need this Well you will always need to know about etiquette, and this is something to entertain you. So here are ten things not to say when you attend a funeral.

Number one: “ It’s probably for the best.” Now imagine everyone is crying at a funeral. You are invited by the family of your boyfriend or girlfriend, and his father dies. Then when it is her time to say goodbye to the body, and she or he starts to cry. Then you try to comfort him or her, and you say “It’s probably for the best.” She or he will dump you right at that moment.

Number two: “Try to hold back your tears, they make people uncomfortable.” Let me say that no matter who you are, you will be thrown out, or you are going to be uncomfortable until the end.

Number 3: “At least (s)he made it to her birthday.” In the funeral, everyone is crying and the person who died one week after her of his birthday. You walk, and you say at a speech that some familiars talks, and you say as a joke “At least (s)he made it to her birthday.“ When you say that you will be seen as the uncomfortable presenter that everyone will hate after an awful joke.

Number 4: “I’m on a highway to hell.” Imagine you are at the funeral and your favorite song is AC/DC “I’m on a Highway to Hell,” and you put it in a speaker and everyone listens to it. Apart you are going to be uncomfortable being with the people you are with; you must go off the funeral.

Number 5: “ I don’t know who (s)he is, I just came here to get free food afterward.” Let’s say that your mother comes and tell you, that you must go to her friend’s funeral. When you are in there, you do not know who died or who are those people you are, and you are supposed to make a speech. What I think is much better lying about something and say that she was a nice person or something like that. Then saying “I don’t know who (s)he is I just came here to get food afterward.

Number 6: “Be quiet, or I’ll bury you with him/her.” Let’s say that you have to handle with all your little cousin and in the ceremony, they start to talk, shout, laugh and start to bother everyone. Then you lose your patience. Just say that you need help do not say. “Be quiet, or I’ll bury you with him” you will traumatize a kid.

Number 7: “Is the service over yet, I am late for my basketball game.” Let’s say that you are at the funeral of a family member and you are getting late for a game. You do not say in front of everyone “Is the service over yet; I am late for my basketball game” If you say this you will be seen as a jerk.

Number 8: “Now what is my inheritance?” Just don’t, just …. Don’t.

Number 9: “Well, you’re officially single now. What are you doing next Friday?” Imagine that the person you like lost his or her girlfriend or boyfriend. Do not be a wrong person and say this may be in a couple of months it is a girl or five hours it is in a case it is a boy. Nah just kidding wait a while until is time.

Number 10: “At last, (s)he is dead.” Just saying that you will be kicked out off the funeral no matter who you are.

Joke aside some of this phrases were said by my cousins in my great grandmother’s funeral, and at ten years old you do not understand what they ent, but after some years I recall this incident when I went to a family reunion and my cousins were on there. People always say things in inappropriate situations this is because as Dr. Daniel W a psychologist says “Knowing the worst that could happen is essential for control but, sometimes, this sensitivity backfires, becoming part of a perverse psychological process that makes the worst occur.” Saying things at a wrong time is so reasonable and so funny for some people that we still need to control our selves and think twice after saying something and to conclude remember DO NOT SAY THIS AT A FUNERAL.

Jose Antonio Huambo

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