Day 15: Healing in public is embarrassing

When details of the difficulties within a personal relationship become public knowledge it can be embarrassing. More than embarrassing, I think it’s just plain stressful. There is enough pressure involved in the relationship dynamics themselves, to add the pressure of outside influences and opinions can be overwhelming. When you are torn about your feelings between what you truly feel, and what the people around you make you feel like, either ashamed, guilty, stupid, or something else all together, it can be hard to feel stable.

I think:

People don’t care about things that don’t matter or don’t surprise them (by being extremely unexpected): A 2 year relationship is not a 10 year relationship. Advice coming from someone who has made it to 2 years with 5 people doesn’t hold water.

  • Only newsworthy things make the news. The fact that enough people care to want to talk about it or try to “help” likely points to it being a meaningful relationship that they feel invested in “helping” or “fixing”.

People have their own problems going on:

Everyone has their own internal struggles and issues they are dealing with, and they are not overly concerned with anything outside of their own happiness. Friends want to help you and be there for you, but they really just want you to be happy. Nobody can crawl into yourbrain and understand the history, dynamics, and experiences of a long term relationship when they aren’t you. Take what people say to you with a grain of salt. Be paranoid about their selfish motivations for influencing your feelings. Is it convenient for them if one of the largest decisions in life goes one way or another? I have found that people have tried to pull this shit on me. No more. I choose what I want for my life, even if it’s hard, because it’s what I want to do.

All that matters is love

Being in a long term relationship, especially in marriage, can be tough. For some people it’s probably easy, but I personally don’t want to be “some people”. Relationships take ongoing work. How do we as two humans come together to compromise on a topic and both be happy with the outcome? For some couples that is easy, for other couples it is very difficult. What separates those different types of couples? In some cases maybe people just got lucky and it’s a perfect match, but imho that is bullshit 99% of the time and realistically doesn’t exist. Everyone is different. Everyone has free will. Everyone has their own motivating drivers in their lives. People bump heads.

In my case, I am fire, and I am with fire. Alpha v. Alpha.

  1. What happens when that (sometimes dramatic but electrifying) type of relationship is so exciting that it makes your adrenaline rush? Is that a bad thing? Or is that something that you cherish and work for years to harness into something amazing?

2. What happens when you know that fire + fire makes more fire, but you would have it no other way?

I think it still points back to compromise. But it leads to a higher level of thinking when it comes to compromise. You scratch by back, I back up why you scratched my back to anyone who asks because we are a team that cares about each other—then i scratch your back — and finally kiss you deeply.

Be not a foe but a literal partner in life.

I want to empower my person because they already have accepted that they are empowered naturally. They understand that them being who they are naturally is what attracts me to them. Just how my person could take the easy route and marry someone who never objects, I could as well. But I don’t want that. I want someone who is on the same level of thinking as me. I don’t care how nice they are and how much they kiss my butt and do things for me to be quite honest. I want brain satisfaction and stimulation. I like a challenge, but I want mine to trust and love me and enjoy the ride with me. You can’t find your mind match on fucking tinder.

I love my person. They became less of the initial person for a period of time.

I lost myself for a period of time.

I want to start over from positive love and become something better than ever before.

I want my person as my partner in life. I want a strong, opinionated, sexy, funny, incredible woman. I don’t want a random slut. I don’t want something boring and convenient. I don’t want yesterday’s news. I’m still here and I came back to here because here is HOME.

I want my wife to be ready to throw away the bad, and the past, and the idiotic fights about nothing, and embrace the positivity and the love and the hope for us. I want them to know that I LOVE the one thing that is giving them pause about us. I WANT her to be independent. I was doing that this whole time, or trying to. Seeing friends, trying to get into activities, and not being dependent, but coming together as something insanely special. Out of that effort was born an amazing opportunity for us in a new business venture that our entire city (as a startup destination) has high hopes for. It is progressing every day. My person doubted me because it seemed impossible but where there is a will there is a way. All I know now is I’m on multiple missions, both in my career but more importantly in love.

I’m fucking proud of my person and attracted to my person and I love her for being how she is being. Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom to see an incredible change. That happened. It’s only onwards and upwards from here. Anyone who has a problem with it can shut up. I honestly believe my whole life right now is about helping my best friend of so long come to a decision on this question:

What is more important to me:

  • A decade spent in a relationship that is passionate (and at times the wrong kind of passion, the aggressive kind). Something that will take work but be worth it.
  • The easy road of knowing that some person who is water instead of fire will make it so you can cruise through life being ‘happy’ and ‘loved’, even if you barely knew them.

Or maybe it’s:

  • I wanted to be a mom and settle down, and that sounded safe and like the logical choice at this age — everyone around me is. That sounds comforting.
  • Or maybe I actually just want to live it up as a single woman in the city, getting easy gratification from the line of guys who are drooling and waiting and ready to make me feel good temporarily.

I’m not a drooler, but I was for her. I would be instantly if my partner was drooling back at me with lust and love. I am not white picket fence fabio. She is not 4 stroller sarah. I am not normal. She is not normal. Together we are a force. I am IN LOVE with that. I didn’t find another person during this period that could replace that. Neither did she.

Were 10 years spent in a wasted relationship with a horrible man who has no redeeming qualities and nothing to offer? Or maybe it’s the most meaningful and worth saving thing that either person has ever had in their whole life. It took seeing my beautiful partner choosing door #2 to snap me out of my anger and haze and upset to take a stand as a man and become who I have always wanted to be for my wife. To consider either of us innocent in any of this would be the most idiotic thing to say ever. Truce. I want the good back.

I already know how I feel. I want my wife. I don’t want to date a bimbo. I don’t want to date a doctor. I don’t want to date any front desk attendant or bartender or hairdresser or any other profession or person. I don’t want to date a person who falls in love with me in 3 weeks. Even if they are nice and my life puzzle pieces are filled, who wouldn’t be jumping to to be with me or my person? We are the AlphaAlpha. We attract. We are driven. We want to be with confidence. To give that away to a new person so easily…

She is a sexpot. I am handsome and apparently have a discussion worthy genitalia. Was that really love she had for a few weeks or was that convenient? I smell convenience. But what the fuck do I know.

I want to fix things. I want to move on from knocking heads and start putting our heads together.

I want to stop fighting, erase any indication of immaturity, and start being who I should be and want to be. I’m a man who takes care of his smoking hot wife, makes her feel safe in life and at home, gives and gets what is needed in bed, and is strong willed and protective and eventually fatherly (because DNA like ours deserves to live on).

My wife spends all day thinking about how to release software. 6 months ago the same topic would have made her eyes roll back in her head. Now she is living it. I could be wrong but I think only since this job does she really understand at all the true value of what hubby has been working on for the past few years. (Writing a guitar song is probably more intriguing? Only people in big cities are working on real problems?) It is my career. Now it is hers too. That is a strange coincidence. Just like this whole reconnection being “a coincidence”, and one of my best friends seeing something and then deciding to tell me, and talk to me about their feelings about how special the relationship is in their eyes. I want to hear my wife talk about work all day now. It’s not a coincidence it’s destiny, divine intervention, fate. Now if only I could write her a guitar song about what an amazing person she is.

Shit happens. Shit happened. Who gives a shit what anyone else thinks.

Don’t be embarrassed:

Because millions and millions of people would die to have the opportunity to have felt the passion that our love has created between us. Even if we have butted heads, we CARE ENOUGH TO.

I want you. I want SLR. You’re scared. I get it. I’m scared too.

I am not scared when we are together. Love brought us back together. I’ll try my best to get you from 80–100, but I need reciprocal honesty now. A total unexplained change of heart within hours of talking is difficult to reason about, especially after so much intimate discussion.

Here I am thinking and unable to sleep, meanwhile not turning into a pumpkin. I can’t hold you back from what you want for your life, but my vision of life has you as one of the lead characters. It would be bad for the series if my lead quit right before Season 11.

Happy b-day❤.

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