Reflecting on my denial

It was 2017, I woke up, got on top of the blankets, and turned on the AC. I was sweating, my hair was fluffy and my throat was drying out, so I dragged myself down the stairs for a cup of water. I started smelling the butter melting and hearing the arepas cooking as my mom was on the phone with my dad. Before entering the kitchen I put my head against the door and heard “Finally, we can move in September. I need to fix everything back home before we leave”. I pushed the door and she immediately went silent. That’s when it hit me, we were going to move to Peru.

I grabbed a cup, stirred some water, and ran upstairs. I went back to bed, staring at the ceiling for a while, drops started sneaking out from the sides of my eyes. I just kept crying in silence while I remembered all the good things about Colombia. I remembered the time I went to the science lab with my best friends to see Garry (the class hamster), or how I used to go to my grandparents house after school to play Rummy-Q with my grandma.

My mom then knocked and with a cranky voice I yelled “leave me alone”. She opened the door anyway and gave me a hug. I broke, I started sobbing and begged her to stay in Colombia. She just responded, “it’s going to be okay, you’re going to make new friends”.

After some time I calmed down, took a sip of water, and tried to go back to sleep. My eyes dried out and I could taste the salty flavor of my tears. I started imagining myself talking to new people, raising my hand in class but doubting because “what if I make a fool out of myself, no one will like me”. With all these thoughts I just fell asleep.

If there’s a time I’ve been able to understand myself better, it was the months before moving to Peru. We already knew that moving to Peru was a possibility but I was in denial that I just ignored it. Once I heard my mom say those words, I understood exactly why I didn’t want to leave. Yes, it was because I didn’t want to leave my friends behind but it was mostly because I was afraid of taking risks. I understood that sometimes fear holds me back from doing a lot of new and fun things that might be good for me. Thinking about this now, I realized that if I could’ve been more brave and optimistic to move, my transition into middle school and a new country could’ve been a lot easier.