Is that a Bible? Nope.

See this book in my hand? Wondering what you might find inside? From afar it resembles a Bible, however the only rebirth mentioned in its pages references the tasty burps haunting you two hours after finishing your fajitas.

Judgement, notes, and idiocy are contained within its General Tso stained scribble. I hope I never leave it behind because I wrote a few things about you in it that I would never want you to read, more importantly I wrote a few things about me that I would never want you to read. By learning more about me in this book you realize that I am never listening to a word you say. Ever. I get distracted easily. Oh look, Thundercats.

You would learn that if you say “kick” or “chop” in a sentence I am solely thinking of Ninjas from that point forward in the conversation. Every sentence you say will immediately conjure up images of midnight clad warriors in my brain. “Smoking sucks. I have really been trying to kick the habit.” I hear nothing coming out of your mouth while envisioning Ninjas holding a solitary cigarette by each end while you try to scissor kick it in half in slo-mo. I see you dressed in full ninja garb swinging nunchucks made of fat giant cigarettes. “I need a hair cut, really thinking of getting it all chopped off.” Your voice right now? Non existent. All I hear is the sound of furious karate chops to your dome in an attempt to make your hair get shorter with calculated violence.

Don’t tell me you are about to “hop on a conference call.” You are wearing a bunny costume for the rest of the day.

“Shooting me an email?” You now have a dirt stained Rambo face and are holding a machine gun that sprays letters onto villain bodies. I have to examine the carcasses to read the content of your email.

“Running to the store?” Might as well throw on some short shorts and a headband in preparation for your sprint.

See what I mean. It is a mess in here. I mean my head, but the notebook is a mess too. There is a whole page devoted to potential names for Willy Wonka porn stars because I accidentally read the name of a phone game as Wonka’s Sluts instead of Wonka’s Slots. Here are a few:

Willy DONGka

Violet Bonerealhard

Veruca Slut

Augustus Poop

Enough garbage for one day.

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