Self Sabotage, Multi-Tasking, and Cynicism

Ralph
Ralph
Aug 9, 2017 · 4 min read

Three words that ensure that you’re the life of the party.

Trust me. There’s nothing better than wanting to have a nice conversation with friends, and then someone mentions a popular TV show that you hate because, well, frankly, you hate everything, and now after 2 beers (that you drank in 30 seconds after you haven’t eaten in the past 12 hours) you’re entering a 10 minute monologue on why your perspective of that TV show is the right perspective and how your friends are dumb because they enjoy things instead of passionately spitting on everything beautiful in this world like you do in your leisure time. I’m totally not projecting.

Probably needing to seek therapy aside, one thing I’ve come to understand at my age is the reality of self sabotage. It takes on several different forms. It’s most noticeable when you’re taking a quiz due in like 15 minutes at a pregame where the person you’ve been crushing on is right in front of you, so you think that because you were exceptional in high school, you can mail in your quiz and focus on #potentialbae because, grades, who needs them? Am I right? It’s only like 5% of your grade in that class anyway. What I’m saying is, you try to multitask and you can’t manage your time.

Once again, I’m totally not projecting because I’ve never been in that situation and you can’t say otherwise.

I can’t exactly put on finger on why people have problems with multitasking and self sabotage. I’m also aware that my issues aren’t everyone’s so if you can’t relate, this ain’t for you beloved. I know that I’ve found that when you haven’t been penalized for multitasking, you see it as your optimal functionality. You’ve warped your own sense of productivity. Taking on 20 tasks at a time doesn’t make you productive as much as doing absolutely nothing, because #selfcare, makes you a slacker. In my own life, I noticed my reward system was all screwed up. I treated myself after doing the minimum and beating self-constructed obstacles. I convinced myself that waiting until the last minute was fine because, wow, you’re amazing, you were able to get a 90 on a paper that you didn’t do until the night before. In actuality, you probably could’ve spaced out that work over time, and actually had the chance to sleep and eat 3 square meals a day, but you know, I’m awesome so spare me. We want to believe in a deep down. We want to believe we’re exceptional. That the captivating narratives of triumph and will that we see in our favorite protagonists apply to us. And while some of that may be true, we’re likely just as much ordinary as exceptional. Maybe you’re not quite the Rick you thought you were and little bit more Morty, and probably a lot more Jerry. Being told we’re a genius for completing a project that we only spent 2 hours on feels great because it reminds us that we still have an extra gear or a final form to unlock. There’s an underlying fear, the type of fear that whispers in your ear and nips at your back, saying “Well what if you gave it your all and it wasn’t enough?”, so you put yourself in the situation that may not be the most effective nor productive but maybe keep your ego intact, and that’s enough really.

So what if your all isn’t enough? In entrepreneurship there’s always a talk about risk-taking. You want to fail, and fail often. You fail because you don’t want to waste your full tank on something that gives little return. You want to be able to keep growing, which often consists of pivots at every step of the way. Hitting the wall and failing is inevitable, so there’s value in doing it early, getting feedback and revisions, and going back at it because there comes a time when your deep down, your final gear alone, can’t save you. And when that time comes, the fragile ego that you’ve been protecting with all the finest bubble wrap you could steal, is going to shatter. Whether cowardice or pride, or the super lucky combination of both, we can play ourselves by saying we’re better than the process. And sometimes we are. Often times we aren’t.

We can be stuck in misfortune. Life deals us different hands and forms of privilege interact in a complicated web of identities. Sheer effort doesn’t bring us great results. Upward mobility isn’t much of a thing. People who are affected by more systems of oppression typically face a steeper climb. You are, by most statistics, not one motivational speech away from being Bill Gates. The percentages just aren’t with you. But what you do have, in this moment, and probably have always had, is the ability to take control of your life.

I’m learning what it means to be intentional. I have urges. The urge to multitask, to procrastinate, to fall to my many addictions, to tell the world that they’re stupid because they can’t be as mad at life as I am all the time. Sometimes I’m going to fail. A lot of the time I’m going to fail. But I can pick myself back up, or die trying because I mean, what else is there left?

If you’re a person like me, who’s dealing with stuff but is always critical and willing to scoff at any hint of pseudoscience, too bad, here’s some stuff I enjoy that I think you might enjoy too:

This is less of blog and more of a weird self-help/manifesto/rambling of insecurities. I’ll do the real writing later.

Ralph

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Ralph

#BlackLivesMatter | Focused on the intersections | UNC '18 | Long Live Scotty

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