I Want to Shake the Hand of the Millionaire who just Donated $13 Million to Alabama to Build a New Sorority House

Photo credit: Ben Flanagan/AL.com — Not the Fresh Prince of Bel Air’s House
Check out the brand-new $13 million Phi Mu sorority house at the University of Alabama and just cry and cry forever. It’s a mansion that would be at home in Scream Queens and I’ll never live some place so nice in my entire life. BRB, going to cry into my ramen if I can get my microwave to work. — Yahoo

Like you, the first thing I thought of when I saw this was how lucky these girls are. I mean, I would live on the top bunk in a cramped quad right now if it meant going back to college. And what about some asshole donor actually giving these stacks just to build a sorority house? Surely there are better uses of a millionaire’s money.

Those were our first thoughts: how lucky these coeds are, and how stupid some millionaire is. But you and I are but simpletons, Page View. We can be so shortsighted sometimes. Big picture: The powder keg that is a thousand girls living together is going to blow up into the most wild fireworks show this side of the Fourth of July.

This is some Dr. Robert Ford shit. But this is no Westworld fantasy. These Doloreses won’t wake up with distant memories of the days before; they’ll wake up to wet bathroom floors. There won’t be a protective father greeting them on the front porch, there will be a thousand catty chicks looking dress themselves in drama. Unrepented physical violence will be replaced by enthusiastic passive aggressiveness and group texts — oh, the group texts… Stories shan’t be written by the company, the company these girls keep will write enough stories to keep Shahrazad alive.

Don’t get me wrong, investing in new ventures, seeding a nest egg for your next of kin, going on vacations, donating to charities — these are all great millionaire ideas. Clichéd, but great. This, though, this is the greatest idea a millionaire has ever had. Take a thousand chicks, cram ’em into the most extravagant mansion you can build, and watch the death toll.

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