Now that’s my kind of bathroom!

10 Reasons I Think I Need to Go to the Bathroom

It Just Might Be Time to Drop the Kids off at the Pool…

Alright guys, you know you can never be sure, but sometimes, just sometimes, the clues start to line up and it starts to look unmistakable: It just might be time to take my seat on the porcelain throne. Here are ten reasons I’m beginning to suspect I need to use the facilities:

1. I feel like I need to.

All I can base this on is past experience, and right now, I feel like I’ve felt all the other times I have ended up needing to go to the bathroom.

That holding-it-in feeling?

2. I haven’t gone in a while.

Usually, I go, and then after a little while, I’ve ended up needing to go again. Usually it’s about a day later. It’s definitely been more than the normal amount of time since last time I went to the bathroom.

When your clock looks like this, it might just be time to go.

3. I go almost every day.

This is kind of similar to the last point, but it’s worth stressing. I go almost every day, and today is a day, so I think I should need to go at some point.

Every day I’m hustling… to the bathroom?!

4. I think all humans need to go to the bathroom regularly, and I am a human.

This isn’t to say that every human ever has always had to go to bathroom — to be sure, there is no singular “average human” anyway — but the laws of probability suggest that I am more likely than not governed by the same biological principles as my fellow man.

The face of humanity

5. I don’t know that I don’t need to go to the bathroom.

Again, alone, this isn’t exactly concrete evidence proving my case. But combined with a lot of these other points, it certainly seems worth mentioning. Absolutely no information I’ve encountered, today or ever in my life, has led me to believe that I don’t need to go to bathroom, either right now or in general.

Wrap your mind around that!

6. I’ll get paid to do it.

Technically this doesn’t mean I need to go to bathroom, but if I’m not sure, and I’m at work and on the clock, then I might as well give it a try — I’ll literally get paid to do something I’ll probably end up doing for free otherwise.

Gordon Gekko

7. If I don’t do it, bad things will happen.

If I never go to the bathroom again, it won’t be pretty. I’ll get more and more uncomfortable (most likely). I might urinate or defecate in my trousers or pants. And if I don’t do that, I might die. Again, I can’t be sure of this, but, like the last point, it definitely encourages me to at least try.

My face right now.

8. Everyone I tell this to says, “Yes, sounds like you have to go to the bathroom.”

Like with my fourth point, I can’t base my own decisions off the assumption that I am the same as everyone else — especially when, in a lot of ways, I already know I’m not. Still, though, pretty much everyone I’ve talked to about this, I trust, and they’re all saying the same thing. “Don’t overthink it.” they often add—Gah! If anything, I’m under-thinking this!

“You’re holding it WHAT right now??”

9. It “feels” like the right thing to do.

This isn’t an empirical argument, but it’s still worth consideration. Some part of me — be it my spirit, my soul, or simply my DNA — seems to simply want me to go to the bathroom. I can’t completely explain it, but it’s like an urge I feel. Even when I’m not actively thinking about the decision, I still feel this urge. It’s like being hungry or thirsty, but for the bathroom.

Feels so good!

10. I am going right now, so I did need to go.

That’s right: You’ve just been pranked! I actually WROTE THIS IN THE BATHROOM. I was pooping from the first word to the last, so I knew from the get-go that I had to go. This whole article was just to waste your time!

MUAHAHA!
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