What a selfish man gives

~ This story is a security blanket. I wrote it to make myself feel better about the end of my marriage. I painted myself in soft glowing light and my soon to be ex-husband in a harsh florescent glare on purpose. It is true as far as bare context goes, but everything else; his thoughts and intentions, my demeanor and innocence is fabricated. ~

I wish there were a word in the English language that means; to cause someone great pain in order to save her from a greater pain. If there were a word for it maybe I could explain myself better, even if only to myself.

I dont want to make her cry. I don’t want to break her heart and send her off into the darkness of her life with no map, no direction and no lover to keep her warm and safe.

The love of that woman overwhelms me. It has since the day I married her. I think I was too afraid to let her go, because I thought she was the best I could do. She asked me once why I married her, why I loved her. I told her, knowing it would only disappoint her.

“You are nice and generous.” I replied, watching her pained smile fade away. She knew it wouldn’t be poetic. Why did she even ask?

“Lots of people are nice and generous.” She said and dropped her head to fiddle with the fringe on her skirt.

I didn’t have anything else to say. I couldn’t articulate to her the value of that generosity. I couldn’t tell her that I am a selfish man with only the power to put myself first, and her ability to love me unconditionally, to put me before herself and give to me without needing reciprocation, filled in the gaps of my personality. That what I love about her, is what I lack in myself.

I dont blame her though. I understand her disappointment. She wants to hear that I love her for her uniqueness, her sense of humor, her precious view of the world that makes her say things that cause my sides to ache with laughter. She wants to hear that I love her for her sense of adventure. That even though it didn’t appeal to her, she was willing to move to this city of sin with me so I could follow my dreams. She wants to hear that there is no one in the world who could make me happy the way she does. And its true. Its all true, but it isn’t what I value most.

I am a selfish man. I love this woman because she gives to me.

-

I have made her cry so many times in the last few months its hard to pull out a single story in my memory. This time just happened to be the last one I was present for.

She had moved out almost 2 months earlier, taken what she could fit it her car, including the dog, and made her way to her parents house a thousand miles away. For her it was the simplest solution, go where people loved her and would take care of her. I mocked her in my mind, because it seamed like such an easy solution. Like swimming back to the edge of the pool.

Truthfully though, I was relieved. I knew she would be well taken care of, and so it eased my guilt and feelings of obligation. I had no such option. I broke this marriage apart and my return home would be greeted with too many questions, most of them being “why?” Its the hardest one to answer, because no one would believe if I said, not for me but for her.

When she came back to get the rest of her things, I told her to take whatever she wanted. Whatever she wanted that wasn’t my shotgun or my snowboard. I hoped she would leave me with the mattress and the TV so I wasn’t in too bleak a situation for creature comforts. I knew she wouldn’t even think about taking them though. She kept holding up things asking if she could have them. “Go ahead.” I said in a gracious tone, not even sure what they were or why I would even want them.

I think its hard for women to understand the complete lack of sentimentality a man can exude. My not wanting a beer glass from a bar we used to frequent had nothing to do with my being insensitive to the situation. In fact it kind of proved it. I didn’t want reminders all over the house. It was better for me if it looked like a dismal bachelor pad when she finished.

-

She didn’t cry because we were separating our things. She cried because I wouldn’t let her in. I have always been closed off. I have never been really honest with anyone about my feelings and emotions. I’m a man for fuck sake! I shouldn’t have to. I just want to do what I want to do. I can’t justify myself beyond that.

The problems in our marriage were only exaggerated in our separation. There shouldn't be anything surprising about that. Mostly my lack of communication and paying of bills.

“I have been really productive, I promise.” I said timidly, knowing what her response would be before it came out of her mouth.

“But not with anything I asked you to do. Sell the stuff in storage so you can pay the credit card debt, register your car, transfer your phone, pay your own insurance, call your mother back.” She listed off the things she had asked of me since she had left, none of which I had done.

I cant explain why I shut down, but responsibility of this magnitude causes my brain to stop working. I’m damned if I do damned if I dont. If I say “I’m sorry I will get started right away.” I know she will say “How can I believe you? You have said that before.” If I say “I have no intention of starting those things until I feel personally inclined to do so” than I’m a selfish monster. Which I guess, is probably the truth.

So I said, “I’m really sorry. I will get started on those things. I will pay the credit card bill and my insurance on Monday.”

She dropped and shook her head, predictably replying, “I have no reason to believe you.” and then began to cry.

She cried because she had heard that exact phrase from me dozens of dozens of times all resulting in the same thing; nothing. I have no excuse, no explanation. I just don’t do it. I dont know what to say, I dont know how to change. This moment right here is exactly why I told her a few months ago “I don’t want to be married anymore.” I don’t want to because I have been doing it for almost 4 years and I haven’t gotten any better. It would take a near miracle for me to be a good husband. To be the husband she needs.

I know that someday, she will be sitting on a couch with her second husband, his arm around her while they watch their children open Christmas presents. She wont have to wonder if he paid the bills he said he would. She wont worry about him leaving and not knowing when he will be back. He will be there when she goes to bed and when she wakes up in the morning, and it wont come as a surprise to her. He will visit her family with her on holidays and go with her to parties with her friends. He will miss her when she is away.

That is the reason why. And whether anyone would ever believe me, it isn’t because I’m lazy or selfish or because I want to slut it up in Las Vegas. Its for the sake of her future that I gave up on our marriage.