I’m 40 in 21 days.

Mom text: You’re getting something in the mail from that restaurant you took me too.

Well that takes away most of the surprise. Also, she’s bestowing the birthday gift unusually early. She’s kind of a spaz and she’s retired so I’m thinking this combination made her preemptively bite the bullet. Let me be clear: She got me a generous gift card to a great restaurant I took her to for Mother’s Day when she last visited. I’m very happy about it.

Here comes the whine.

My sister is coming to visit for my birthday. And I think my mom is hoping I’ll use it to take her on the night of my birthday. That way, the three of us will be forever bonded by the magical experience of this magical restaurant that we can all say we were patrons of. I took my mom and now I’m taking my sister BUT it’s with a gift card my mom got. Some meta fam time shit.

But I don’t think I’m down with this because:

  1. It’s a bit of a drive, and I want my sister and I to both knock back a few without worry of becoming highway patrol entertainment.
  2. I already have someplace else picked out that I’ve always wanted to go to.
  3. This place is romantic, and while yes I did take my mom there but I had my reasons and I don’t feel like making a list within this list, there’s a part of me that wants to use the gift card on a date with a special guy. Assuming a special guy will come into existence soon. (Fuck. Does it look bad to use a gift card on a date? I may have just negated this entire post.)

Now to expand on the special guy crap….I would like to think that it would be Matt. He took me for a nice dinner and I want to woo him. But I’m already letting my inner self-sabotage monster rear it’s annoying fucking head in making me think he’s not that into me anymore, despite the fact that he seems like he def had a great time on the last date (which was a week ago) and that he nearly pooped his pants when I got tickets for us to see a double feature of both Kill Bills. I’m worrying over nothing. I think.

But he totally revamped his Grindr profile while I was out of town. New pic and some added text. I mean come on.

Now I’m no saint. I was totally trying to get action while I was traveling. And admittedly, the day after I got back into town, I was literally holding a gallon of cum in my ballsack and cruising guys online at work.

But the profile change made me feel insecure. It’s only been a month, we’re still getting to know each other, we’re still playing the field and it’s a complete double standard that I’m making a hissy fit about him jazzing up his Grindr profile while I’m on Scruff telling dudes I want to coat their face. I should really just shut the fuck up about it, right? My mind is playing tricks on me.

All I know is that as of right now, I want to take Matt to this restaurant. I want to show up at his door with flowers. I want to drive us up the coast as the sun sets. I want us to smoke a bowl right before we drop the car off with valet (we’re both semi-stoners). I want to have an outdoor table closest to the cliff’s edge. I want to smile at him while playing footsies. I want us to gorge on dessert and have some bougie port to go with it. I want to drive him back to my place, light a candle, put on some chill hip-hop instrumentals (Suff Daddy or Grap Luva) and give him a spa-worthy back massage. I want to woo him. I want him to let me woo him. I’m praying to baby Jesus that I have the patience and nerve to make it happen because I know what I want when it comes to guys and it tends to make me move really fast.

I tried to offset this anxiety by taking care of my four day load. And of course, I made a disgusting fucking mess. Parts of my cum looked like I had literally shot pieces of gelatin out of my dick. I sat there and stared at it and wished I had someone next to me to make a joke about it with.

One clap, two clap, three clap, forty?

By clapping more or less, you can signal to us which stories really stand out.