The horror… The horror…
Someone kept rubbing sandpaper against my cheeks, mouth, and chin. Why? What for? I thought as I blinked a few times and opened my eyes. My dog was sitting on the bed and diligently licking my face clean. I looked into his eyes and understood that if I don’t take him outside in the next few minutes, the awful alcohol stench in the apartment will soon be complemented by the scent of his shit. But I was nearly powerless.
In fact, I was horribly hung over. Last night’s decisions lead to this morning’s partial paralysis of my body. My right arm and leg refused to obey. On top of that there was a deafening ringing in my ears and my left eye refused to fully open. Even if I wanted to say something at this moment, the maximum I could muster would be: “Um… Arr…” But a push to move had to be made. After almost an hour of aimlessly wondering around the flat, I finally got dressed, put on my leather jacket and went outside. Have you ever tried walking with a completely non-functioning part of your body? I tried and barely made it to the corner store. Gesturing to the cashier I explained that I needed a beverage. He brought me two. One of them I emptied immediately and the other saved for later. Feeling a bit better and no longer parched I went for a stroll at the local park. So here I am. Dogs, people, warmth… All I need is a secluded spot, where I can chug the second soda and my pup can do his thing. I spotted the old oak right away and in the matter of minutes was leaning my aching body against its trunk. Ah… How nice, I thought as I cracked the can open and unleashed my dog. But the idyll only lasted for so long. I am not sure whether it was the soda or the last night’s party, it was hard to tell, but my body experienced the first wave. It felt like a semi-truck rolled onto my head and gradually cruised towards my legs. Cold sweat momentarily covered my body. I cringed a little and carefully rubbed my stomach. My intestines replied with a cringe of their own and my asshole kindly asked: “Hey, pal, how about a nice shit?” But right at that moment the wave and the pain began to subside and shortly disappeared altogether. An idiot would understand that it was time to slowly start making your way home. On the other hand, everything has passed and life was once again joyous and beautiful. I put my back against the oak and lit a cigarette. The second wave came like a storm. It was sharp, powerful and tried to squeeze everything out of me with a single swoop. I think I even grunted a little. For the second time this afternoon cold sweat covered my body. I understood that I either find a bathroom right now or else… But the second wave, just like the first, also began to dissipate and gradually disappeared. I lit another cigarette. My dog was peacefully chewing on a stick, and I, once again, felt good. Still, alarming thoughts ran through my mind, making me wonder if I should start heading home. But the second beverage, cigarettes, and the beautiful afternoon chased away those worrisome thoughts. The right side of my body was beginning to function. I began to hear with both ears. The third wave came like a tsunami. My asshole was no longer asking. It was screaming: “And now I’ll be taking a shit!” My eyes nearly popped out of their sockets, I opened my mouth and heavily panted. By Herculean efforts I squeezed my butt cheeks and brought my knees together. I understood that I have two, maximum three minutes. I hastily put my dog on a leash and took off. Sprinting with my tightly squeezed butt cheeks was nearly impossible. But I ran and dragged my dog after me. After about a hundred feet I realized that where I was headed I will not be able to take a shit. I abruptly changed my course and started running in another direction. What was threatening to come out of me at any minute, also made it difficult to concentrate and find an appropriate shitting location. I glanced at my dog. Pulled by the leash it flew right behind me, barely touching the ground with its paws. I read a single question in his eyes: “Why the fuck are we running so fast?” The pressure in my ass was beginning to reach critical parameters. It was difficult to care. I was ready to pull down my pants and take a shit right where I was. But my upbringing did not permit me to do that. My shirt was beginning to stick to my body. My strength was gradually waning. I practically saw how my asshole began to expand in diameter. All rational thoughts were gone. Only wild instincts remained. O! Heaven! A small secluded meadow up ahead. I ran into the bushes like a torpedo and pulled down my pants with the speed of light. I squatted down and did what I had to so mightily, without shame, hesitation, or a single thought of what was to come next. I had a horrible indigestion. You probably know that a dog’s sense of smell is hundred times stronger than that of a human. My pup strangely moved his nose and confidently started to make his way towards my ass. But after receiving several punches, he understood that it was not his best decision. “Whoa! Who is that so pretty over here?” I heard a sweet angelic voice nearby and nearly replied that the pretty one was I. A young, sweet creature was leisurely advancing towards the spot of where I was squatting. French bulldog followed in her steps. I had two options. Option one. In the span of 2 seconds I could wipe my ass, pull up my pants, and appear in all my glory. However, my rectum was hinting that the overall process was far from over. Option two. Remain seated and make it look like I just squatted down for a moment. I chose the latter. I threw my jacket over my legs and retained my position. “Is it a boy or a girl? Pardon me, I forgot my glasses at home,” the sweet creature asked, still advancing towards me. “It’s a b-o-o-o-o-y,” I squeezed out of myself. I could not control my ass. At that moment we lived separate lives. It was difficult to shit in front of a pretty girl, yet making it seem like you are just resting. My dog in the meantime was playing with Molly. How could you name a bulldog Molly? “We moved here just about a month ago. Don’t really have any friends,” the girl chirped. Just wait, I’ll finish shitting and be your friend, ran through my head. “Who is we-e-e-e?” I asked. Damn it, my ass will betray me. “Molly and I,” the girl giggled in reply. My feet were getting numb. The conversation entered its tenth minute. If she moves in almost any direction, she will witness my bare ass and everything that’s underneath. I could only assume that there was plenty there. During the entire conversation I felt how small portions of crap gradually but continuously exited my sphincter. “Do you attend any dog shows?” The girl sweetly asked. “Yes, we at-t-t-t-end,” I moaned. “Oh, how interesting, do tell,” innocently blinking her eyes, the creature sang. Fuck! This is fucked. I am taking a shit in front of a gorgeous girl, and she is asking me to tell her about dog shows. “Well, we are state champ-p-p-p-p-p-p-ions.” Couple more sounds like this and the girl will think I’m unwell. I was unwell, indeed. The conversation was upon its twentieth minute. The girl was still chirping about feeding and training Molly, and I, as before, was slowly but surely taking a shit.
I could no longer feel my legs. I tried to extend one just a little a bit forward and nearly plopped into my own excrement. I have to end it all, I decided, but how? Tell her that I just took a shit and need to wipe my ass, and after that we’ll continue our chat? Nope. Not a chance.
“I am Angela,” the girl said. Better not go for a handshake, ran through my head.
“I am Alexander-r-r-r-r.” Darn it. My ass will surely betray me.
“We go for a walk around seven in the morning, then in the afternoon, and then at seven in the evening. Look how your pup is playing with Molly. Take down my number. Let’s walk together,” the cute girl sang. In all honesty I wanted to tell her to go to hell along with her bulldog, but I reached into my jacket pocket, took out my phone and saved her number. Picked up a girl while shitting? Back then it didn’t seem that funny.
Right as we finished exchanging numbers, my ass gave out an indescribably horrible sound. It sounded like wet, booming, intermittent farting with audible hints of falling crap. I tried to conceal these wretched noises with a cough. Maybe the girl didn’t hear them, but Molly clearly picked up the source of these sounds. She slowly trotted towards me. My devil of a dog just lied on the grass and chewed on a stick. If the dog advances even more, she will certainly pick up the stench of my liberally falling crap, and then most likely decide to investigate the source of such an awful aroma. In the meantime my ass made another terrible sound. This time I did not conceal anything. Just sat there, listened to the girl talk, and waited for the conclusion.
Molly carefully made her way towards my rectum. I don’t know what she did there, but I could feel her warm breath on my skin. I wanted to cry. But Molly went even further. She started liking my anus. A thought rushed through my head. If Molly is licking my butt hole then she must be, at the very least, up to her waist in my crap. I imagined that sight and wished that I didn’t.
Molly’s owner continued her soliloquy about dog training and feeding. Molly kept licking my ass. I lit a cigarette and nearly cried. The moment of truth struck right in the middle of this heavenly idyll. The fourth wave came like a hurricane. I could neither control myself, nor my ass. I didn’t even try to hold it. It felt like two pounds of crap escaped my asshole. Molly strangely choked, coughed, and quiet down. I didn’t sweat, I simply waited.
“Molly, Molly, my sweet girl where are you?” Angela cried. You couldn’t call your dog earlier, ran through my head.
When I saw Molly, I understood that all my previous fears were nothing in comparison with what I witnessed now. Molly was zigzagging her way, repeatedly stumbling over sticks and pine cones. She constantly coughed and gasped for air. When she passed by I nearly fainted. She was covered with shit from head to paws. Her eyes, nose, ears, mouth were all covered in crap. She was a giant piece of shit on bulldog’s legs.
Your dog is white, but now it is brown. You forgot your glasses at home. What do you do? Correct! You pick up the pup to investigate the strange change in the color of your pet. Angela did exactly that…