the 2xl black hoodie story

i told this story to my friend the other day not as ‘a story’ but just as a matter-of-fact explanation of what i had done the day before. she started laughing a lot and then a few days later our mutual friend told me he “heard the 2xl black hoodie story and couldn’t stop laughing” so i figured i might as well say that:

for some reason the other day i woke up and on my way to work decided i needed to purchase and wear the biggest, most shapeless piece of black clothing i could find. so i bought a pull-over 2xl black hoodie at the times square modell’s

i don’t really wear baggy clothes so i felt a little weird wearing, essentially, a cotton goth winter muumuu, so whenever i met someone i felt like i *had* to mention that i was wearing a 2xl modell’s black hoodie

no one really brought it up, so it was often awkward that i, during an otherwise normal conversation, would start talking about the comfortable shapeless bag around my body

i’m also a medium-sized girl. so while oversized clothing doesn’t, like, fit or anything, it doesn’t look chic. it’s not like, nicole richie in a large men’s t-shirt makes her wrists look delicate. it’s more like: oh that piece of clothing is like *a size* too big on you

it’s like: oh you’re wearing an unflattering shirt

so i was wearing the 2xl black hoodie at work on a day where i should’ve washed my hair but didn’t have time because i decided i needed to stop and buy a 2xl black hoodie on my way to work. i was like, greasy

and like. my friend who i love but never see invited me to a party by my office, so i felt i had to go. but i didn’t have a change of clothes. so i went to a party in the 2xl black hoodie

i talked to no one at the party.

the party happened to be close to my friend’s apartment

my friend, who i’ve had sex with before, who borrowed my copy of tao lin’s taipei, and had been texting me about returning it

so i was like wsup

and i went over and immediately explained to the person i’ve had sex with that i was wearing a 2xl black hoodie “which i totally never do, you know, i don’t usually dress like this” and his friend, who i was like, “i know we just met but i want you to know i’m just trying out this oversized black hoodie thing i know i’m not the usual body type for this type of look but idk it’s kind of like a dress? that you get from modell’s? that. idk. is this a good look, do you think?”

and then someone wanted 2 go to a bar. so i was like

“im cool with going out. it’s just. u know. i can’t go to anywhere. that would be uncomfortable with me wearing a 2xl black hoodie. i am basically in pajamas”

so we went to 169 bar

and i haven’t been going out AT ALL so i was like

“why is this so loud why would we go out to be around drunk idiots in a dark room this is so unpleasant i don’t know these people i dont even feel like drinking” (cranky)

so i sat like, cross-legged in a crowded dark bar pretending to know what the sport ‘squash’ is, with people that, besides my one friend, i didn’t and don’t know at all

there was this couple to the left of me that was like making out in this way where literally the were sticking their tongues out and touching tongues like weird teenagers that would loiter in the anime section of barnes and noble too long

and behind me this couple was a part of a birthday party

and this lady threw her coat at my head because she didn’t notice i was there. so she tossed her coat at the chair, which she thought was empty, and the zipper hit me in the eye and i spilled my drink over my 2xl black hoodie and tights in front of this guy i’ve had sex with

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