u can stop asking if im ok

im ok

idk

i woke up last weekend hungover for the first time in awhile

molly and i ate and i realized i hadn’t eaten in over 24 hours

well i had a banana between margaritas

im not longer allowed 2 drink tequila i think

im already not allowed whisky

n after the other night i remembered that i forgot that white wine is bad for me too

red wine makes me sad which seems better

after the diner we got our auras read

they were so similar the lady said

“i can just tell both of you at the same time”

the difference was, she told me,

that i needed to calm down and stop

that i was going to get sick in my throat

in the aura photo i couldn’t see myself at all, it’s all red

(that was the difference)

the time before the last time i saw my shrink she said

‘i think sometimes you decide things because it’s easier

than seeing what happens’

or something

like

she was like

um

‘can’t you just let it be for now’

(i couldn’t)

this week she said,

‘u have to start celebrating ur successes

u don’t have to tell anyone

but u can’t keep punishing urself’

i think now i can let things exist, or im letting them now

something about nick flynn, who like.

isn’t every guy writer and asshole can i at least

like their quotes or work without supporting their shitty personal life

i doubt my instagram post of his work is perpetuating the demand

for him to be published more

also bright lights big city is an amazing book about mothers

i dont think ppl who hate it see it that way tho

anyway:

as he falls he thinks, “if you are hurt they will come with their ambulances, they will put you in bed and feed you, they will let you rest.” or maybe that’s just what i have thought, the times i’ve fallen

i keep on thinking of my regrets and dumb things i said or did

as a way to keep myself from enjoying w/e

acknowledging something is the first step to losing it

except i find that i lose things i never even knew i had

at another point in the book:

there are many ways to drown, only the most obvious wave their arms as they’re going under

idk is it easier for my family

they’re all alcoholics

sometimes i wonder if im an alcoholic

but i rly don’t think that’s my problem

it seems easier for them

i think my problem is what happened 2 me

from being around them

ptsd n anxiety n codep

i’ve done a lot of work

not eating was never my problem

when i saw abby in la last time we talked about eating

(she eats) (i eat)

eating a meal and eating 2 not starve

idk how many times i can try a dumb thing 2 get healthy but rly try 2 take up less space

abby and i talked about not being ‘cute hungry’

we like, get mad

and angry

i get anxious

my mom would always say “there’s food on the table”

as a defense for why our childhood or home was ok

(it wasnt)

and dad’s didn’t

he’d get us pizza

(i’m allergic)

(i’d eat it anyway)

mom’s food would have roaches

but there was still food

the one year i went to camp i made a tiger mask from winnie the pooh

winnie the pooh was my favorite

i didn’t understand why dad liked eeyore

(now i do)

i made a mask of tiger out of cardboard

and the adults gave me a boxcutter

and i was digging into the cardboard

smearing the paint and ruining the mask

i couldn’t cut it

and i looked up and my face was so hot and i was trying not to cry

and i saw the other girl making a tiger mask asked for help

and the counselor cut out her mask

it looked really good

i finished mine myself as quickly as i could

i think it’s somewhere here next to a notebook i used

2 track every time i went down the waterslide that year

i liked the camp olympics because it meant we were allowed to scream

i also kept wetting the bed without telling the counselors

or maybe i did the first time or last time

but didn’t want to keep bothering her

when i visited grandma in ohio i’d drink mountain dew

before they said i was banned from mountain dew

for wildin out

now i drink 2 large coffees every morning

or until this week

when i told myself i needed to stop

when i found mom’s brother on facebook two years ago

(no blood relation)

(five siblings: four adopted, one foster)

he said “you always reminded me of myself. a wild one”

i deleted that facebook

i can’t find his account now

dad always liked him best bc he lived on a houseboat

wasn’t mean

didn’t want 2 hurt anyone

etc etc

(her other brothers i think were assholes)

(one was a suspect in their dad’s murder, or like

‘of interest’)

my real name is vigliano

or was for eighteen years

when mom and dad were divorced she bought danny a plane ticket

that was “danny wilder”

to get back at my dad or something

i’d like to think i’m above the shitty things they did to each other

and i am

but sometimes, idk,

w/e

i changed my name to her name because she’d like that

i like the way it sounds

i guess wilder is a german name?

but the only family i have is irish/italian

i’m ok

i haven’t replied to a lot of msgs

i was super stressed n busy

i don’t hate that i got msgs

i hate some of the things i did or said

also like

the same sentence sounds different from different ppl

three years ago i got broken up with, started living alone and stopped going to family holidays

lol

and his friends would tweet at me “are u ok?” when i made jokes

that weren’t about him or w/e

i still fucking remember that

bc they didn’t care,

and it was about taking me down a peg

idk that relationship was fucked

i hope he’s ok

we were both shitty 2 each other

but i thought of myself as the cause of all the problems

(as did he)

so like idk

im trying 2 ask for help when i need it

so much of it is asking who i want or need it from

im pulling back from my phone. i didn’t text the other day

living alone is hard

i tried not to drink coffee today. or tried waiting awhile

i’ve been trying to eat regularly even though not eating

hasn’t been a problem

freaking out about what to eat is my problem

like: grains, gluten, dairy, etc.

im not supposed to have them but i didnt have them the other day

and instead of helping my anxiety i just got hungry

got 2 drunk

did shit i regret? i don’t even remember what i did tbh

or like, all of it. i just . idk it’s fine

i’m fine

i really am

doing better than the past few months

the other day i thought

“no one has to have me in their life”

and felt relieved

idk what im doing later

i slept 12 hrs last night and 11 the night before that

today i remembered

this is supposed to be fun