Crushed on Someone is just a short feeling
I studied in the UK for 1 year, and crushed on my lecturer on my language course, he just gave 2 lectures to us, but I still can remember he is a special and very nice person, I can feel it, because my 6th sense is always very senstive and good, his open-minded speaking way, his dressing way (he likes to loose the first and second or even maybe the third button on his men’s shirt, and likes to loose all of buttons on his 2 cuffs, rolling them and drape them naturally in a natural shape, like what I do on my blouse, same as my dressing way for it), and he looks very confident, and the figure is tall and strong, like most of typical looks of Bath’s men and boys. the first sight when I saw him, I felt like this person is another me, but male. I can feel he should be a person persue freedom and healthy life and also he has a very humanity heart, this is also same as me.
because I’ve suffered too many unhappy experiences and emotions from my last relationship, so to most of men, I’ve got no feelings on them, even if I have some good feeling on them, I choose to avoid or to forget or to refuse any of these, cos I just wish I can put all of myself to my my study to my career, and to care my family members, my parents, my grandmother, to those people I love and to love those who close to me. Therefore, although I felt crushed on him, I just always don’t really remember I have a thing for him.
One day, me and my classmates who took the language course and the lectures to celebrate at bar for something, but I don’t remember actually for something. After some drinks, a friend suggested to play the game “truth and dare”, then it was my turn, friends asked a question, which lecturer you want to make love with, this question was really so awkward……. but I had to answer, I was very honest on this question, I said” oh, Peter is a gentleman, nice, gentle, would be nice, but he is not really my cup of tea, and I think he married, he is at least 42 years old.” Then is another lecturer, (oh…I even cannot remind of his name now?) just call him B, I said “ he is a weird and bad person, and very old, so mean he is, no.” then I just naturaly said the name of the one that my subconciousness told me “yeah, then the young one, Sam, he is good.” In fact, I didn’t realize I crushed on him actually, then the other girl seriously told me with a very serious face,” if you really like him, then just speak it to him, if you don’t try, how can you know it, and usually when you like someone, that one you like probably have some feelings on you at the same time”, this words a bit lit me up, but the fact was I just saw him maybe once or twice, even if I felt something on him, I even cannot make sure if it is really a feeling, but her words just let me feel something a bit weird? or changed? Actually I really didnt think of dating someone in the UK, no matter Chinese or any other races, I refused any relationships, I’ve closed all of my feeling to this kind of things. When we finished our party, then the girl emphisised this to me again, “if you really like him”… blah blah blah……. I even don’t know why she did it for me….. she noticed I crushed on him, but actually that time I even didn’t think of that…….
After the party, I backed to my room, and thought nothing of that. Day by day, life just goes on, living my life, then we had his lecture again, maybe I was a bit excited to see him on there again, but I really don’t remember.
then our language course just finished, my academic course just started, that day I was just walking out from my studying building the fashion design building and went straightly to our cafeteria to have a lunch, I still remember what I wore that day, a black downjacket with 2 grey wool sleeves , a minimulism white and dark grey shirt, a black but a bit gray jeans with a very PU leather boots. and he, Sam was walking from Boots Library to go cafeteria, in fact I didn’t know he was going there, he noticed me and I noticed him, that day he wore the North Face down jacket, black one, all black colours, he is almost 34 or 35 years old I supposed, but he still looks like a 25–27 young student. I am a shy person, and I don’t like to say Hello firstly to others if I am not familiar with that one, so I spoke nothing, then walked to there… he was actually going to cafeteria, I was in the same way, and we are very near, that time I felt there was something maybe… I really crushed on him, I could assure that feeling that moment, we were in the quene, he stood in front of me, I was just his next one, but I remember I probably walked quicker than him, and I was in his front and went to the vegeterian meal queue, I even didnt remeber I could I be the next one of him… however I hold too many thing, there was a very heavy book and also a heavy tool box of my for my course, so I had to put them on bench and table, then went to quene again. then there are other people quene next him, he found it then he turned his head and looked at me with a bit curious face… that moment I was a bit surprised and crushed on him again……. (ahhhhh…. I was really so shy………) he went to his bench, I went to my to had my lunch, then me and him just went to our own way.
after that, I considerd to know him a little bit from internet, he is my lecturer, then search some information about him, I found he studied and being a language teacher in Japan for 6–7 years, and it seems he just backed to the UK at 2014 or 2015…. and the Japan’s University he stayed is 爱媛 university，the city he stayed is also called 爱媛，however my first name’s last charcater is 媛，this made me very childish and very happy and sweet as a middle school teenager girl crushed on the next classroom’s boy. haha… I was too funny…. hahahaha…
I searched his Facebook, his instergram( couldnt find out), searched for his tweeter….
maybe there was a nother day I met him on the road again at night around 8 pm, we gave each other an very deep eye contact and I was not in a good mood, and he found it, then he gave a very strong and deep eye contact, as if he was trying to understand me, the location is around at the Steak Lounge restaurant, but I cannot make sure that person is him due to the night in winter, maybe that person is not him, just only 60% similirity maybe.
then never met him again, probably because after first semester I hardly go to Uni, because I don’t want to continue there anymore, so I couldnt meet him again.
I always had a strong wish that to meet him again, but this kind of things are called destiny, so I just let it be, I decide before I left this uni at this semester, I must write a long letter by school’s email to express some of my feeling to him, but I hesitated to do that I considered if he has married, if he is a lecturer, he dislike such affairs, if he even don’t reply me, if school’s offcier would be punish him because of this letter, so I changed an idea I thought I will write an email by my personal email and the content are just about appreciate this teaching method and phrase him and express my apprecation as a student to a teacher, and only just to tell a little bit of my feeling to him, then he would be fine. I even decided to give up to write him, just let this feeling this crushed feeling fade away, because i know there will no result of it, and you are going to leave, so just let it fly away as you are gonna fly away from the UK, all things will disappear, so why must say it out, keeping such nice and sweet feeling on mind is another way for my happiness. When I was almost decide not to write a letter to him, he was just in front of my eyes and stand very near very near me again, and we saw and noticed each other again in the entrance of campus, I was going inside, he was going out, just passed by each other so closely….
Then I decide, okay, maybe it is the god arranged the moment to encourage me to write a letter to him. However the all preparation for leaving uk, like removing all of stuff and planing travelling really took a lot of time of me, I travelled London, and have no time to write it, then I decided okay, I will write it when I was at my country.
When I backed to my country, I started to write, but before writing, I searched him again on internet as a little girl, searched his twitter and then find another thing he is using, the website, Medium. I saw an article he wrote about Beijing, from his writing, I can feel he didn’t really into Beijing, Beijing is rude in front of him, and China is a communism country to him…and I don’t like the way he describe China or Beijing, so I suddenly gave up to write to him, also stopped all of my fantasy and crushed feelings on him… Just realized a problem, most of westerners, oh, no, maybe foreigners they all love Japan, not China. I also found he has a Japanese girlfriend, yes, this absolutely and normal, a person stayed in Japan for 7 years, and he only tought class in Korea, Japan and USA, just didn’t choose to go China, so there is no more things to say, that’s are all very clear now. I remind of my ex boyfriend, he always put so many fantasy on me as a Japanese girl, but I don’t really like that, he studied Japanese, although also some Chinese, but he loves Japan more than China. Just because japanese looked more polite and nicer than Chinese? and his judgement to China like most of western media, when he saw a woman dancing in the street, he just guess she is a Japanese, not a Chinese, this stereotype is ridiculous for me, and however she is a Chinese. Sometimes this can make me a bit angry. always everything is Japanese, yes, if you like Japanese, then you can get a Japanese girl, Chinese girl don’t care this, because everything of China is just good and great for me, I don’t need to hear your judgement. and there are many ridiculous people, because I am a tall and good-looking Chinese girl, a turkish guy added my Facebook because he saw me in my accommodation, and asked me “have we ever met on our accommodation, and where are you from?”, I told him no, because I don’t want to talk to him, and told him I am from China, then he just deleted me. ha, you liked and added me just because my good-looking face and tall figure and also a bit mixed blood face? That’s fucking funny and interesting. maybe he even supposed I am from Japan, so he can get a japanese girl, haha, really funny, however, I am just not a Japanese, I am just a beautiful Chinese, and I am proud of it so much for my country, the ancient 4 countries, Egypt, Greece, India are all be colonised for a long time and dissearpeared of their culture, only China as an ancient country still keep alive, and it will still keep the live for a long time, although it is not a rich country, but not a poor, definately not poor, and it will be better and better one day, we will win. I don’t care those who dislike and neglect China, and please don’t put your fantasy for Japanese girls on me is making me really gross. Westerners are all the same, no matter how they look, how nice they are, they are all full of prejudece on China and Chinese. I don’t need any apprecation to me because of my look, no matter how sweet, calm, sexy, beautiful I am, I just don’t need your appreciation, because I am good. Something like Asian Fetish, making me gross. it is better just call it Japanese Fetish. We Chinese and Chinese male are nicer, they don’t do such severe fetish, these unhealthy culture. I don’t regret that I didn’t write the love letter to my lecture, he is same, fancy asian girls so he chose to be a langguage teacher in a uni’s langguage session to teach asian girls, to being and seeing with them, I don’t judge it, if he is happy with it, and I know he like asian culture, but I don’t like China being judged like this, and I know most of westernes to China have all similar attitude, those westerners are all the same, those prejudices, some people hate being snobbish, but they are snobbish themselves to those they dislike, just because China is still not enough rich and well-educated, so you dislike. okay, I don’t need people like China, you can dislike whenever you want, as you wish, because China and Chinese people deserve more better than those shallow and snobbish and boring judgement and prejudice, China is a huge mountain and deep sea, calm and hardworking, listening all bad words, and bear all bad emotions and harms from outside, and resolve all of them by ourselves, we are the sons and daughters from there.
That long love letter I don’t delete, because it’s a small thing even not worth delete by myself, just as many ordinary notes, and won’t read again.
Saying goodbye for every westerner males, and within 1 year, I received many apprecation to my look, but I don’t need your fetish, so funny.