Pernicious Times
Sep 2, 2018 · 12 min read

I went on to read an article by Jesse Martin, that actually wrote click bait and made a thoughtful confession. The read was way better than I expected, given the hideous Meg Ryan / Clown photo.

You might enjoy it.

I hope to make a contribution, not just on here, or by writing, but through my art. Which may or may not be Art at all.

Bringer of Death Image series by me 3DisOK

I fear, I’m too far gone inside, and I’m too embarrassed to write my truth because my truth is embarrassing, especially when I compare myself to everyone else who seems to be successful, or if not successful, at least normal. Yet, if I’m going to write at all, I’m going to have to write about my failures, and didn’t intend to right this today, but it’s happening, so here it is.

The mistakes I’ve made are probably what I know the most about. Most were due to lack of patience and escapist mentality, but that’s what I want to write the least about. My weaknesses could be aired in an effort to expose, and overcome through perspective shift or at least managed more effectively.

Like even now, if you will bear with me as I attempt to be brutally honest about what landed me here and why I create 3D Erotica.

Garage desktop PC Workstation, AMD 2700X Processor with 2 Nvidia 1070ti GPU’s (actual pc is not in photo) Photo by me, everything by me all benches except stool, my photo on desktop, Flame Stool via Amazon.

I’m sitting here in my garage, typing this at the PC workstation pictured above. When I started the build, I intended to use it as a trading station to trade stock options, and futures contracts.

The build process took me about 2 months, from when I started ordering parts, until completion. I put about two grand into the original set-up, not counting screens. Four months have passed now since I first started the build, and I have yet to make a trade on this PC.

A series of mistakes made in a short span has crippled my ability to trade the markets I was making a killing from earlier in the year, and devastated my accounts. All of these mistakes were lethal due to the amount of leverage I was using, all of this after a string of large wins.

I became impatient, thought I knew exactly what was going to happen, and even if I did, the leverage I used worked against me, and I made some of the simplest, most rookie mistakes possible.

On my final trade near the beginning of June, before being forced to quit, I lost twenty two thousand dollars in less than 8 hours trading SPY options intra-day on the day of expiration. Had I held my position into close which would have been approximately 55 mins longer than I did, I could have made over $60K This trade haunts me, as do many others.

I sold my right to sell the market short at the absolute worst time. The moment of capitulation. I fucking capitulated. I recognized my mistake almost as soon as I had made it, but the market had already moved back and at that point, the mental devastation had been done. I had capitulated, I was out. I was damaged, and I couldn’t re-enter. I sat and watched as the options I had just sold for .06 cents climbed back to .16 and then to .20 and then my original entry price, and then more, I could have made money, alot of money, had I just waited 25 fucking minutes longer, but I was distracted, and damaged and now still broken.

Three months later an I am broken still.

I was at work (they allow me to trade at my desk) separate laptop with hot-spot connection, working my desk job for health insurance and a pay check where I bring home a small paycheck after 2 weeks of work that barely covers my house payment, or 1 vehicle payment not both, and I had to take a phone call that allowed me to loose my focus, following loss of focus; BOOM, I made an emotional decision in the heat of the moment that cost me more than I can earn in many months of said office job work, and it cost me my confidence and ability to trade at all.

Once I had made that emotional decision, that was it.

So in my art, I typically identify more with the female getting brutalized as it seems I have allowed myself to be raped, time and time again. Not willfully nor intentionally, but raped by lapses in judgement and emotion., not physically but mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I sometimes wish for the physicality to escape the other three which do not diminish and do not heal.

A few minutes later I realized what I had done. I couldn’t correct it. I physically couldn’t do it. Now, months later, I’m just a new state of broken.


“I am recovering from Hate. From hating my job, hating myself, hating Trump for being President and telling nothing but lies, hating this market for believing them, and continuing to rise.”

As if we are not on a sinking ship, as if profits will always increase at an increasing rate, as if the futures best case scenario hasn’t been priced in, and still there is no end to the upside. As there is no end to greed.

But there is.., and will be, and we may be nearing it.

I’m working up my courage, and focus to go back in, maybe this coming week, but this time, I can’t allow myself to lose focus. I can’t allow anything to come between my trade even if it’s myself, especially if it’s my emotional self.


So I have been devising a plan. It’s not complete, and may require changes that I do not anticipate.

  1. Stop Trading Alltogether — Mission Accomplished. Since June fatal trade.

I did this buy entering first into the world of Virtual Reality, I had started this before quitting, and it fueled my PC build in part, you don’t need half the shit I put on this PC to trade.

I moved from VR quickly, before I got stuck inside a VR Porn addiction, and moved into rendering my own 3D Erotica with the intent on creating realistic 3D Virtual Reality games and experiences for others to explore and enjoy, ok so I escaped the trap only to trap others? No not quite, my version will be different.

I did this for 2 reasons. Photography and Pornography have both been an escape for me since I first came across it as a pre-teen boy (pun intended) Fuck off, it helps me relax!

Now some 28 years later,

My level of interest is destruction and creation level porn. By this, I mean, I want to deconstruct the glossy figures of my boyhood, and wrap them into stories that seek answers to questions I’m asking myself today. Existence level questions, meaning of life level questions, greed, lust, and fear level questions you typically don’t get from porn. Methods of coping. Loss and Betrayal, but not outright betrayal, not betrayal from others, betrayal to ones self, or how we fool ourselves to escape perceived loss or pain, only to find ourselves worse off, and that it wasn’t our enemies that defeated us, but rather our own fear.


2. Rendering 3D Erotica with multiple characters and movement requires immense computer resources.

So even if I wanted to trade, my fast as hell gaming laptop (ASUS 752GL) which I use at work and where I am most tempted to trade can barely navigate a web-page if I’m rendering an image. Rendering my ability to trade to zilch, which in the past has been a problem. I was straight addicted to being in the market.

I wouldn’t allow myself to take a break, which ultimately lead to my self-destruction. So I took a known mental escape porn, and turned it into a physical brake mechanism to limit my ability to repeat past mistakes via turning instead to a creator with lofty goals, and running renders. It has been like taking another highway, another path and has at least temporarily slowed the bleeding monetarily.

Am I embarrassed by my creations?

On here, to the Medium audience? To real writers and readers?

Yes, I am. However, I’m equally embarrassed by my losses.

Because I view the writers and readers that gravitate here as todays intellectual elite, or at least somewhat enlightened, and as more complete human beings than myself. More advanced thinkers that I believe will view my creations as base, and categorize them at best as click-bait, or at worse deranged porn, or low art trash, and it’s quite possible that’s all they are.

Do I feel the same when I’m all alone?

Fuck No!

I think some of my creations are heading along the lines of visionary filmaker badass or at least along the lines of something Rob Zombie or Marilyn Manson would approve of. Which reminds me of a dream I had, years ago, where I met both of them.

Of the images I’m most proud of below being one, the backgrounds are photographs I have taken and edited either from my phone, or DSLR camera.

This is my Bringer of Death intro Series. The Grim Reaper picks up people, okay chicks, and promises them the world, and then takes them on a hellish journey between worlds, that he failed to mention prior.

On the image above, the background photo that I’m using to represent a “world portal” is a piece of plywood with a circle pattern from bearing the weight of iron pipe fittings during coating. It helps me see a positive side to continuing to work, since I shot the photo at work. I get lots of texture photos there, and ideas.

I want to turn scenes like this into music videos set to my generations music that I still listen to daily and that I think is relevant still today one way or another.

Also, since I despise and continue to be reviled by Pop music and culture in general, unless it’s new era Sci-Fi shows which I love and want to help create.

I’m just starting on this.

Today I started out listening to Slayer’s “Dead Skin Mask” as I worked on my Bringer of Death intro series….

I’ve spent close to five grand on 3D content, characters, clothes, and environments over the past 2 months, and I’ve quit telling myself that this is the last order because I know it isn’t. I have set up a Patreon that is doomed to fail due to reasons listed below, skip to the bottom if you just want to see why my Patreon is going to fail. Oh, and if you do that you have to join and become a Patreon though, it’s only fair, help me work through this stupid shit. You get to help me by Voting and seeing what I’m working on.

I’ve quit playing games, and even quit watching VR Porn, mainly due to the fact that I’m working on 3D Erotica all the damn time now. It’s pretty much taken the place that trading once held in my life, and I justify it many different ways. The easiest, is it occupies my time and keeps me from losing even more money trading which I had gotten really good at over the past 3 years. Loosing via my inability to stop when I was ahead. Greed.

Now looking back, I clearly ascribe it to greed, poor trade management skills, and lack of focus, trying to split the fence of maintaining a 9–5 while at the same time trading increasingly high leverage while not being honest with myself about my ability to do so and the level of risks I was taking.

I should have made a boatload of money over the past 3 years, but I didn’t because I thought I could make more by “trading”. All I managed to do was reach a new financial low point before I realized I had to stop.

Now, I am fairly confident, that I could re-enter the market at any time, and pull out two thousand or three thousand dollars in a single day, possibly more “IF” and this is a BIG if — I can keep my greed in check. I have made thirteen thousand dollars in one day, before lunch, only to lose fourteen thousand by days end, simply because I couldn’t stop, I couldn’t stay out.

I say, I could enter the market, but because I’m not yet certain I can keep my greed in check, I think it’s best to stay on sidelines, but I’m nearing the point, that I want to re-fund my accounts, and re-build them.

My new mindset is and will be, this.

Preparing for touchdown at new world number 009 too late for mis-understandings.

Forgive my Ego, and find a way to lessen it’s effects over my trading: By realizing the following.

I don’t have to be in the market all day to make money, but I do have to be staring at the screen like a zombie to lose it. So I will limit my trading to morning session only.

I will continue working on 3D Erotica Stories, and developing story ideas, that I’ve had for years, so it seems that I’m moving in the direction of getting these stories told, or out there, to be told.

I console myself by saying that I can probably pay off my 3D library and PC build in one good day of trading, but as it were, that day may never come.

Based upon my past wins and then redoubled failures, the real key for me is going to be can I hang onto it, and build off of a win a more consistent and less greedy future? Should this be the case, how will my 3D Artwork evolve through this. What will it become if I am to attain my goals of success? What does success mean?

Or more importantly, what must I become to overcome my emotional weaknesses and flaws? The ones that have limited my success thus far?

Am I limiting myself and my growth possibilities by demanding nudity and erotica be comon place and not getting a showing on Patreon?

Probably. I have zero Patreons after over a week of being live. When you check adult content on your creator page you check yourself out of any views that may come your way on the Patreon site. Since I don’t want my kids to see it, I don’t promote it on my fledgling social circles, and I don’t have any friends I haven’t isolated myself from due to embarrassment and I’m just an isolationist type of person. So I’m pretty fucked as far as friendship and viewership goes.

I’m basically starting over from scratch and if I want this to work, I will have to build new friendships, and new social circles from the ground up. I’ve started already, but have a follower-ship base of zero, and don’t want to buy friends. http://twitter.com/3DisOK

So as for the Patreon, I would like to earn an income from my 3D Artwork, as it gives me a place to vent and explore, not just stories, but myself. I lost over $20K in less than 8 Hours, and now I’m asking for $2.00 a month from people I don’t know.

So when you loose money, you start to tell yourself different stories about money than prior to loosing, a whole new set.

When you lose, you say, maybe money isn’t all that. Maybe it isn’t about the money.

None of that enters your head prior to loosing though. Prior to loosing when on a winning streak, money is the life blood of everything. Money fuels delusion, and delusion leads to mistakes.

So yeah, I’m asking for $2.00 on Patreon because, right now, more than money, I need to know that what I’m working on matters to someone more than just myself. I need to know that even though I have made nothing but solid mistakes for the the past 3 years, that maybe I can turn it around by changing my focus, and learning something from those mistakes that I can tell in a meaningful way. That maybe even though I don’t have friends next door, I can have friends around the world.

In closing I want it to be known that I did not intend to write this in the beginning. I was responding to a comment from a writer I read a story from yesterday, and somehow this had just built up and needed to come out.

So thanks for writing your click bait article I guess April M

I want to finish, I want to stop, I want it to be over. I’ve spent this whole day working on this article at this point being honest is hard work and doesn’t come easy, neither do my renders.

Some of them want to abuse you. Some of them want to be abused! Keep your head up. Hold your head up high. Keep your head up. Hold your head up. Keep your head up. You’re moving on. I’m moving on. I’m moving on. Song Lyrics “Sweet Dreams”

Someone needs to make a video for this. I think I am the person to do it.

If you read all that, thanks! Clap or something to let me know you care.

Witness my metamorphosis over the next 4 months of 2018 follow for if not you who will help?

Baldwin is 3DisOK all works 2018 new never before seen oddities.

Pernicious Times

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Gaming, Life, Politics, Erotica, VR, Sci-Fi, PC-Builds, New Tech, Future Tech, Futurist, Freedom -https://www.minds.com/3disok