9 Things I Will Not Do on Facebook

Eight years ago, I reluctantly opened a Facebook account, and today I stand before you, a bona-fide Facebook addict. I’m on it A LOT. I share tons of stuff. I also create tons of stuff and share the shit out of that stuff. I use Facebook for personal reasons and for work reasons, which is convenient because when my family complains about it or strangers at the playground try to get all judgy about it, I can say, “It’s for work.”

But as much as I love Facebook the way a toddler loves beige foods, there are things I will not do on Facebook. There is a line. Here are Nine Things I Will Not Do on Facebook:

1. I will not copy and paste any fucking status, ever. Even for “just an hour.” This includes that thing about the special needs kids just wanting to be accepted and the thing that cancer patients want most. I know and love enough special needs kids AND cancer survivors to know that they do not give 2 flying fucks about your fucking Facebook status.
2. I will not provide a one word answer just to prove I am your fucking friend and I am reading your posts, nor will I expect to have to pass any tests in order to stay on your FB list when you’re “CLEANING IT OUT.” Do people actually devote time to cleaning out their Facebook lists? Is that a thing? Who has the time for this? If this is your life’s priority, go ahead and delete me. DO IT NOW.
3. I will not become someone’s Facebook friend just because we have mutual friends. Dude, I know plenty of people who have friends who I don’t like much. And I’m not everyone’s cup of tea. So don’t assume that just because I’m on PTO with your BFF that we’ll get on like a house afire. In fact, if anyone ever says I’m on PTO with them, they are LYING because I don’t fucking do PTO. (Addendum: well, as of this writing I now do PTO, but only because two of my BFFs are on it and they promised me that I could be sort of a stealth member where all I do is write things for them when they ask me. That’s how I do PTO.)
4. I will not continue to be part of any group that I am added to without permission. Seriously, that is like going to someone’s house, picking them up, and dragging them to a PTO meeting at another child’s school when they had their whole day of lying down on the couch in yoga pants reading (or binge-watching) Outlander for the fourth time all planned out. Not. Cool.
5. I will not post some mysterious inside joke thing because we need to raise awareness for breast cancer or some shit like that. Look at Pinktober, we are all plenty aware of breast cancer. If you really want to raise more awareness for breast cancer, read and share my friend Becky’s blog, she’s an actual breast cancer survivor who knows her shit and her blog is fucking awesome.
6. I will not give in to your narcissism and respond to your vaguepost with questions, offers of support, or prayers. If you don’t want people knowing your business, get the fuck off Facebook and deal with that shit. That’s the price for getting all those good vibes and prayers — people knowing your business. I’ll pray for you in private, though, as I scroll past your post. Because you need help.
7. I will not share a post to prove I love my kids or my siblings or chocolate or puppies or whatever, nor will I share any post that promises good luck and boatloads of cash if I do, and a mountain of bad luck coated in Dorito dust if I don’t. These are like the chain letters of social media. They must stop.
8. I will not share or like posts with grammar mistakes. I simply won’t. I know “mistakes happen.” Believe me. They happen to me too, and I do this shit for a living. You know what I do when these mistakes happen? I fucking CORRECT them.
9. I will not click like or say yes or type in my hometown (seriously, people? Have you not learned anything about interwebs security?) to prove to someone’s kid or someone’s class full of kids that “social media works.” It fucking works, OK? Move on and educate your kids so I don’t have to read on Facebook about how they shared inappropriate pictures on Snapchat and somebody took a screenshot and now their lives are ruined.

Bonus item: I will not stretch material to post 10 items on a list just because 10 is a nice round number that makes you comfortable. I hate when I see listicles and #8 and #10 are just versions of the same shit. Sometimes my mind just doesn’t work in lists of ten, OK? You’re on Facebook, you’ve seen the lists. Fill in #10 your damn self.

Listen, we’re all adults here, even on Facebook. Don’t tell me what to do, and we can stay Facebook friends. Until I clean out my friend list, that is.