Chapter ??: Drug Court Deprogramming

This was me basically…

Back in the good ole days before I got introduced to the hell that is Hardcoree heroin addiction.. The days I was in drug court. I eventually didn’t really give a fuck about the program because it was a joke and it set people up to fail. Like literally, the program in my county and state prided itself on being the toughest program with the least amount of graduates in the country (not to mention the long term success/continued recovery rate after graduation is like 10%) so needless to say, a year of being in the program I finally woke up to the truth of it. The program was set up to make me fail. I honestly don’t understand their logic of “well getting a flat tire and going to jail teaches you a lesson”.. If you got a flat tire and didn’t make it to a drug court appointment, even if you called you would go to jail. In their mind “You should ditch you car and make it to the Treatment Center for your meeting” I literally heard the Judge say that to a participant in Court while she made the participant do 5 weekends in jail for missing the appointment for a flat tire.

Except for the Judge was always pissed off at someone before you and depending on the Treatment report yo either witnessed Dr Jekyl or Mrs Hyde

What was even better, was when another participant told his counselor in a private counseling session that he thought the program and judge were a bunch of communists. She sent that guy to jail for litterally 6 months, each week she would bring him to court and ask him to take back his opinion, which he refused. Finally after three months, she made him take a “program” in jail to address Cognitive Issues, aka “Cognitive Self Change (CSC) after which she let him out. Amazing thing is, the guy graduated, at the graduation ceremony after she finalized the paperwork and allowed him to make a speach in front of 300+ people, when asked if he had anything to say he left his statement simple “No I don’t really have anything good to say about this program, it was an experience that’s for sure and I hope I don’t see your face on any milk cartons”. That guy was a fucking hero to all of us that were so fed up with this bullshit program. Accountability is one thing, but nothing about the program taught us how to deal with real life issues. If anything it prepared many for what it would be like to go to jail.

So as you can see, I was quite rightfully sick and tired of this program. I’d seen so many people dragged through the mud. It was a 4 phase program and I made it to phase 2, I only had one more requirement to make to phase up phase 4. I had been in the program for over a year at this point, but I had stayed sober for the first year. But I came across a botanical plant that I wont name because I don’t want to stigmatize the plant, it really is a godsend, but for someone with no opioid tolerance who had been clean for a while, the fact that it didn’t show up on Drug Tests made it quite enticing. So I started taking it and it really was like hydrocodone/norco’s at first. But money got tight.

I was in a relationship with a girl that I was absolutely in love with, but I was still a drug addict. Love, no matter how strong will not stop a drug addict from using drugs. At first, she didn’t see anything wrong with me taking this plant material. But then money got tight and I lost my job. I needed it, otherwise I would get super anxious and cranky as fuck, not anything near as bad as typical opioid withdrawal, even though I was taking 15grams at a time. But me being me, I needed to get well, because any discomfort is horrendous and not ALLOWED. Everyone was doing Dilaudid’s because they didn’t show up on the Standard UA’s that Drug Court did, even though they sent them to a lab they needed to do an expanded Opiate Panel.

When you find out that one Drug Court participant is doing bad, you find out all the people who aren’t doing well. It turned out that probably 3/4 of Drug Court was doing either that Botanical Supplement, Spice, Bathsalts or Dilaudids. It was interesting because every 4 months they’d come out with a new test for new Bathsalt/Spice chemical’s that previously weren’t detectable. So every 4 months a new wave of people would go to jail for doing Spice or Bathsalts. But that botanical product never got tested for, neither did Dilaudid.

So for the last 8 months I was in Drug Court I was an active drug user, they never found out until I got kicked out of Drug Court and sent to do a prison. For 6 months I stuck primarily to the Botanical Product, but every once in a while I would get a free D for hooking someone up. But one day I got fired. I started pawning my shit, but finally there was nothing left for me to sell that my girlfriend wouldn’t notice missing and I for sure wasn’t going to steal anything from her. I have stolen from my own Family, but only because they had money and I tried not to steal any family hierlooms or anything. I am proud to say I haven’t stolen from the people that I love since 2010. This point in my story is in 2012…

My childhood best friend Brayden, who I adore to death even to this day, moved into the shitty trailer I was living at with my girl (even though I dragged my ex through shit, she was always down for me and to this day it fucking kills me that I dragged her through all of this. I still love her to this day and would do anything to go back in time and change the mistakes I made. I don’t know if I will ever be able to let go of that, but that is a story for another day). Brayden has always had my back and I consider him legit a brother. We went through addiction together, he tried to help me flee the state when I got my felony (the one and only felony on my record, that got me in Drug Court); he’s just always been there and always cared about me.

In a related twist of fate, when I got kicked out of Drug Court, he actually was put into Drug Court for a crime that I actually watched him commit. I wasn’t a part of the crime, but I was in the background of the story (Long story short, he stole some jewelry from his parents and got a felony for it because they had to file a police report and charges to recover the items)

When he first started staying with us, he didn’t have money or a job, the only stipulation of him staying with us was that he stay clean and not bring drugs into my home. His parents had kicked him out because they found out he was using again. I naively thought that I could be a good influence and help him get on his feet. But I myself was no where near being stable enough to pull him up, instead when I went to pull him up I just fell down with him.

At first things were great with him living with us, he was always home at a reasonable time and he was up early looking for work. He stayed in his bedroom and me and my girl stayed in our adjacent room watching movies and cuddling. But eventually he started going out at night and we noticed he was starting to seem haggard both in appearance and his voice. I asked him and he denied anything was going on. I was legitimately trying to stay on the straight and narrow, to be a better friend and influence; but I also wanted to complete Drug Court.

One day I went to pick up another mutual friend who just got out of jail and was also in Drug Court. I dropped Nate off at a homies house that I knew was going hard (using), I asked him before I dropped him off if he would be okay. “Oh yeah no problem”. A couple of hours later Nate called me asking me to pick him up. When I picked him up I knew something wasn’t right. I was struggling with cravings that day and I straight up told him “Dude I want to get faded so bad right now”. But both of us didn’t have any connects, no one outside of Drug Court likes people in Drug Court, for some reason they think they are all shady and wont deal with them. “What about Brayden, he totally knows where to score, he’s using right now!” BINGO! “Dude I knew he was getting high still, he’s been coming home late and my junkiedar is just going off”.

It turned out that my Brayden was not only able to hook us up, but that he was actually selling Dilaudid, but right at that moment he was out and was re-upping tomorrow. That did us no good, but he could get us Oxycodone, which was NOT GOOD. You see, Oxy’s are testable on the basic tests that they give everyone. But Nate was like “YEAH BOYY! GET SOME OXY! If you smoke them they don’t show up on a UA”. I told him “No, no matter how you ingest something, it is filtered out through your pee which will make you fail a UA”… he was adamant that it doesn’t show up and that he was passing all his tests by simply chugging a bunch of water… I love Nate to this day, but this was just silly as fuck. We ended up getting three Oxy’s and I smoked one with my friend and he smoked another one to himself. I probably only took two hits and it didn’t really do anything. The next day, my color wasn’t called but my friends was. I called him tripping out, but he was like “I am good dude”.

Five day’s later Nate was called to court early. He thought I told on him and to this day he still thinks I told somebody who told on him. But the bottom line is, it just showed up in the UA. I would never do a friend dirty like that and I am not a narc. .

Anyways, he ended up going to jail for a bit and I ended up going to jail that christmas for the first time in my “Drug Court Career”. I took a Norco which didn’t even do anything and then I went to the hospital and faked that I slipped and fell in the shower. They gave me a bottle of 20 5/500 Hydrocodones which would of covered the Norco I took earlier, were it not for the fact that the Norco that I took on Christmas Night I stole from my grandmother (Okay, I fibbed on accident about not stealing anything from anyone since 2010. I haven’t stolen material objects from people. I had however stolen drugs from people after 2010 and Christmas 2011 being the last time I stole drugs from someone. Baby steps people, “progress not perfection” amirite?!) and her going complete berzerker crazy on me. Long story short she herself needed a way to get more pills and I came along at the most opportune time. She told the doctors that I stole her pills, yes notice the plurality here, PILLS. I only took one, but she had been popping them Norco’s like skittles and was going to run out. Perfect excuse to get more pills.

After the Emergency Room, which I left at around my girlfriend and I promptly returned home and passed the fuck out. I woke up around noon, turned my phone on and it was flooded with missed calls, voicemails and texts from everyone under the sun. My grandmother called begging me to return the one pill, my mom called the next morning asking me what the fuck was going on, that she knew what had happened and that I needed to call drug court and get honest with them ASAP, my Uncle texted me calling me a piece of shit and to call him. Finally there was a message from another Counselor from Drug Court, as my normal counselor was out of town due to the holidays. “Hey Dylan, I’ve heard you have slipped up, give me a call so we can work this out.”

I haven’t mentioned this yet, but my girlfriend was a normie. She had smoked pot and drank, but she stopped drinking and smoking (which she only smoked like once a year if that before getting together with me) to be able to move in with me. She had never been in a relationship with someone who had a drug issue and to be honest I was her first serious boyfriend (all together we were together over 4 years.) so it really was a rollercoaster. I wasn’t a good boyfriend, drugs made me a horrible person; although we don’t speak (she is married) she has forgiven me and let me know she wishes nothing but the best for me, acknowleding she knew the real me versus the drug addicted me.

I called my counselor back, first thing I asked “Am I going to jail?”… I trusted her and believed her, “No Dylan, no one is going to jail, you will go to court and possibly get some community service. Come in so we can talk”. Long story as short as possible(this is already turning into quiet the long chapter [AND it’s only the second part of my Drug Court years]) I went in and the PO’s arrested me on the spot, saying I was a danger to myself because I took 20 hydrocodone’s at once, saying I was trying to commit suicide. Complete bullshit, I was just trying to get high, and really that is only equal to ten 10/325mg Norco’s. My tolerance to opiates is naturally higher because I am a redhead and we need more of any medication for some reason (look it up, it’s scientifically proven). I would routinely eat ten Norco’s at a time to get a good fade going and twenty 10/325’s when I had a high tolerance due to using for a while (I usually Cold Water Extracted my pills when I had a solid Hydro connect), needless to say this was normal drug use behavior for me and I was at no time trying to harm myself.

So I went to jail for 4 months, they made me take some Substance Abuse Program in jail, which is complete bullshit, all the jail related program’s don’t really help at all, which is why the state made them get rid of them all and come up with new programming in 2014, all programs must be scientifically proven to be effective/successful now. I went in on 12/26/2011 and got out on 03/10/2012, so a little over 3 1/2 months. While I was locked up, my girlfriend kept our apartment taken care of with the help of my mother and my BFF/Roommate, but by large he only crashed there occasionally and my girlfriend stayed at her mom’s. While I was locked up, I was determined to give it another shot, Jail has a way of making you think you got a handle on the world and you get so cocksure of yourself. It’s always the last time you will go to jail, the last time you will get clean.

But within two months I was doing that botanical plant, I always thought that I would be able to control it, that if I ran out of it, I would just bear through it. But everytime I would run out, I would get sick and need to find something else. By May 2012 I was shooting up Dilaudid with my roommate. We came up with the brilliant idea that he would pay his rent with Dilaudid, it was kind of an unwritten agreement, but whenever I wanted one I would just ask and he would give it to me.

One day in June, I came home alone at about one o clock in the afternoon. My roommate’s car wasn’t in the drive way and I went in. I came around the hall corner to find Brayden in his skivvies, on his hands and knee’s with a foil in one hand and a lighter in the other; straw in mouth. He was smoking a 30 on his bedroom floor. I kid you not, he looked like fucking Gollum, sweaty, sunken eyes/cheeks, ashen junkie skin, smoking that 30 like his preccccioooussss and praying at the foilie altar that leads to Albion. I was so pissed off, he thought it was cool since I was getting high, but really I was trying NOT to get caught; what if a PO showed up while he was smoking? He proceeded to lose a 30 that to this day I don’t know if it ended up in the heater vent or if the cat ate it (doubt the cat would of survived if she had eaten it) it just disappeared into thin air. But of course, he blamed me for it going missing, but I didn’t take it, spooky Gaspar the junkie ghost must of banged that shit.

One day I was chilling with our mutual friend, the “Oxy doesn’t show up in UA’s if you smoke it” BFF. I made the mistake of telling him who my roommate’s plug was for the Dilaudid.

The guy was an older dude that had a pain problem but liked smoking weed more than taking the pills. So for like $2 a pill and a eigth of weed a week this guy would give him 20 Hydromorphone (generic Dilaudid) 8mg pills. These are literally worth more than gold by weight. You can easily sell the 8mg pills for $45 a pill in my area. The guy would hook him up with 20 a week and he would give me 5 or sometimes 10 a week for “rent and he would sell the rest. I am pretty sure the guy was getting 90 Dilaudid’s every two weeks. All I know is Brayden was rolling in the dough and would share with me freely for giving him a place to stay. We went with my roommate when he was getting more to sell, while we were sitting out there, my friend asked “Is that his plug?” I thought he knew and said yeah. Big mistake.

You see, my BFF ended up peacing out after he failed that UA. He went to Portland where he proceeded to get strung out on Heroin. He came back with a bad habit. My girlfriend was out of town and I let my homie stay stay with me while she was gone. He was getting so dope sick though and Brayden couldn’t support his habit. He was like “OHHH I know him, he would totally hook me up for free, I had no idea”. I was like “NO, don’t mention that you know about it. The guy is super square and if he thought anyone knew, he wouldn’t give any to Brayden to sell. FORGET IT.” out came Brayden and off we went.

A couple of days later my roommate comes home super pissed off, “Yo did you tell Nate who my plug is?! Cuz he went over there and tried to get pills. We are cut off now, he won’t deal with me any more”. This was the start of 3 days of hell. We all got sick as fuck. At one point we picked up some Suboxone, we shot them up, but got precipitated withdrawals that caused us to get so sick that we couldn’t even get out of bed. We were super high for 2 hours until we started projectile vomiting. Then we were stuck in our beds unable to move. I told my girlfriend that we both got food poisoning from something we ate.

Finally this dude that I knew from Drug Court, this kid that I actually helped hook up with some D’s, as I said everyone in Drug Court was trying to get high on anything that wouldn’t show up in a UA, despite this guy being a seasoned tweaker, he started banging D’s simply because they didn’t show up on UA’s. It got to the point where he was physically addicted to it and was getting sick. When this dry spell hit, he hit me up saying he could get quantity. Since I had inadvertantly blew my roommates only decent plug for quanitit, I brought him this prospect. “Dude, I don’t like that guy. He talks too much, he doesn’t know me and he jokes about shit that you don’t joke about with strangers. But ask him how much he can get and details” Curtis was one of those kinda dull inept guys. He reminded me of Mike Tyson, he even had a white boy version of his voice. People said he was a rat, but I didn’t believe it because no one had any proof. If there isn’t any paper to back it up, fuck off.

Me: “How much can you get?” Curtis: “However many you want”
Me: “He can get however many you want” Brayden: “Price?”
M: “How much?” C: “Depends on how many you get lol”
M: “Depends on how many you get” B: “ask him how much for 20”
M: “How much for 20?” C: “200” 
M: “200” B: “SOLD! lets do 40”
M: “alright we want 40”…………………….

Hours pass by, no response nothing. That whole conversation was literally at like noon.

The next morning I am woken up by baning on my front door and I can hear Curtis yelling, loud enough for my neighbors to hear “DYYYYYYYLLLLAAANNNN I CAN GET YOU THOSE D’s!!!” at 6:30 in the morning on a quiet side street. LIKE WHAT THE FUCK!?! I yelled for him to shut the fuck up. I tried waking up Brayden but he was like “No I am way to sick to deal with this right now and it’s so early tell him to come back later” I knew this was something that would float away with whoever these fucking people were, and whatever obvious tweaker time the plug was operating on. “No dude, this might disappear and might not happen later you need to wake up right now” “No, here, take the money and deal with it, I’ll give you two D’s to get this”

I get outside and Curtis has another dude with him that I have never met. I figured he was the plug and that we wouldn’t have to go anywhere. “Cool lets take care of this!” But it wasn’t what it appeared to be and became 9,001 times more sketchy. This dude was obviously tweaking and I was certain that I was going to get robbed. But I knew Curtis and had met his family. “We have to go to a motel in Boise near BSU”.. alright seemed legit, usually thats where the hookups were.

So we get there and tweaky dude was like “Okay, give me the money and I’ll be right back”…… I was already sketched out and rule number ONE in the junkie rulebook is “NEVER LET YOUR MONEY LEAVE YOUR HAND UNTIL DRUGS ARE IN YOUR OTHER HAND. Never let money walk”. I told him straight up “dude this is quite a bit of money and it’s not mine I cannot let it walk. You need to leave collateral.” He left his wallet and a smartphone. That was one of the longest 10 minutes of my life, I was sure he wasn’t going to come back. I didn’t even see where he came from, but the dude popped into the car and handed me the pills. They weren’t what I had ever seen while dealing with Dilaudid’s up until this point, “What are these, these aren’t shields?!” “Oh bro they are generic LCI’s”… I looked up the pill inscription on an online pillidentifier on my Android, “legit LET’s ROLL!”

You seem, as I stated Curtis isn’t the most intelligent guy. Despite the fact that I was carrying quite a bit of pills (it actually turned out the guy gave us 50 for the money we gave him) more than I could eat and survive (rule of thumb I always followed, if I was rolling with pills I would always only carry enough that I could swallow and be fine, IE: personal use amounts)… Well he was only thinking about his selfish ass and getting high, he kept going 20 mph over the speed limit at 7am on a Saturday morning with no traffic out. I yelled at him to slow the fuck down and drive like a grandma going to church. He would try going 5mph over, but I was watching that speedometer like a hawk watches a field mouse from 2,000ft up “SLOW THE FUCK DOWN OR I SWEAR TO GOD WE GET PULLED OVER AND I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!”

Somehow we managed to get back to my place without getting pulled over. I gave the pills to Brayden and Curtis was on the couch playing with a rig (syringe) expecting to get something out of this deal. Brayden gave me the two pills he said he would give me. Suddenly that other dude was expecting something too on top of Curtis. I was like “Curtis what did you do?” “I drove” I was like “Dude I could of driven, you offered and you didn’t say you were charging”

To make it clear that I am not some stingy junkie (but to be honest most junkies arent the type to share when they are truly strung the fuck out, pills are one thing and the fiend isn’t so strong; but with heroin you wont find an heroin junkie sharing their dope much when strung out. It’s like Leftover Crack, it’s almost mythical in nature), I would normally share. Shit last year when I was strung out on heroin, I basically gave one of my friends $200 worth of heroin over several days because he was getting sick and I didn’t want him to hurt. But Curtis, I had noticed he wasn’t doing anything but leeching off of me. I overdrafted my bank account by nearly $500 buying that Botanical Herb, more than half of which gladly shared with him.

So not that I was keeping a tab or anything, but when he expected something worth a lot when I had already done so much for him, rubbed me the wrong way. I didn’t tell him straight up no, I told him “if you get me $10 I’ll give you half”. He was super whiny about it, but he left for some Drug Court class he had that morning “Save me some please, I really need it Dylan”.

But come on, do you really expect me to save anything for him? I shot one of the D8’s and it barely scratched my itch, I wanted to not. So I shot the other one. He was super butthurt, but I was honestly paranoid by this point, the fact that he had a Drug Court class on a Saturday (Drug Court classes were Monday-Friday) really sketched me out combined with the rumors I heard about him being a snitch.

I ended up getting kicked out of Drug Court the following month. We ran out of Dilaudid and I was dope sick, when I was supposed to have been clean. I bought some codeine cough syrup behind the counter at a pharmacy in a town over. By this point I didn’t really give a fuck and absolutely hated Drug Court. The next day, I was called in for a drug test, which I knew would be positive. I told my girlfriend the truth about everything, everything that I had been hiding, that I was done with Drug Court and we would be free from that hell finally.

I was kicked out of Drug Court, sent to do this treatment program. The judge recommended a program that took 18 months to complete. My girlfriend broke up with me after I was sentenced. The fact that I could of been gone for 18 months, plus the fact that I would likely have to return to Drug Court was too much for her to handle.

It was a cruel joke. Three weeks after she broke up with me, I found out that I was ineligible for the program that my Judge wanted me to do, because my risk to the community was too low. I ended up doing a 3 month long program and was locked up for a total of 6 months. My girlfriend however, had moved and I didn’t know where to. My mother asked for her new address, and I wrote her. But she said she was tired of me being in and out of jail and didn’t want to go through that again. She was open to being friends with me but that she didn’t want to go through the hell of Drug Court again. I totally understood where she was coming from and didn’t blame her.

Those 6 months was the loneliest I have ever been.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

All names in this chapter have been changed to protect the identities and livelihoods of the individuals behind the names. I am still friends with all characters from this chapter with the exception of Curtis…But to protect the others involved in this story, I have changed his name as well…

It turns out Curtis undeniably ratted on someone. He was discharged from Drug Court and topped out his sentence after doing 6 months in jail when he was facing 15 years… That has never happened and was obviously the result of a deal.

Brayden has been sober from Opiates for 4 years now and has reconciled with his family. He is one of the few success stories of Drug Court, he graduated and has remained clean and sober from Opiates.

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