I’M DROWNING MY MOUTH! (And other New Year’s Resolutions.)

Like most New Year resolutions, it starts with the best of intentions.

I’m going to be a winner this year, I’m going to be a better me. Dammit, I’m going to be the best me I can be! I’m going to overrule me in the court of me, and my old me is just going to have to suck it!

Once all the sappy motivational-poster zingers run their course, it comes down to just one person and their one head, the argument between brain and body continuing in a perpetual loop. Like when you’re stuck in the car with your bickering parents.

“Stop signs are not suggestions.”

“Of course they are. I don’t pay attention to suggestions, either.”

“You’re going to get us killed.”

“Yes, but how soon?”

I digress.

My primary goal this year has been to drink the recommended 64 ounces of water a day — 8 glasses of 8 ounces. My Nalgene bottles have been a huge help in meeting this goal, as quite a lot of their bottles have the markers on the outside of the bottle, showing you the progress you’re making.

Why, though, do I feel like I’m drowning my tongue in H20? I knew about the constant need to go to the bathroom, because, hey, a river runs through it! For the last week and a half, I’ve felt like I woke up without any semblance of a bladder.

The toxins are getting washed out. Completely washed out. It’s like a tsunami in my belly.

Drinking all this water actually segues into some of my other resolutions. I say “some”, because I inadvertently came up with a lot of winners this year. BECAUSE I’M A FUCKING BEAST!

“Curse less” did not make the list this year. Maybe next year. Maybe.

Borrowing the brilliant phrase of Lin-Manuel Miranda’s epic saga known as “Hamilton”, I am working on the gem of “Speak less, smile more.” When I have the nozzle of my Nalgene bottle jammed in my cry-hole, I’m definitely speaking less. If I smile more, and keep smiling, my unwavering stare while smiling tends to creep people out, so I don’t have to say anything. Win-win!

The concept of patience eludes me at times, so that’s a resolution that seems to be an exhausting exercise. There’s also another angle on the topic of patience which is “when do I wait for something to work itself out?” versus “when is the right time to strike and nip this thing in the bud?”

Drinking water doesn’t answer any questions on that last one, but hey, don’t let that getcha down.

Keep swimming, swimming, swimming!