I’m Tired and Terrified.

Trigger warning for strong language and sexual assault.

I am so fucking tired. I’m the kind of tired that makes my adrenaline kick in to convince my brain and my body that I’m still a walking, talking human. I was at a wedding in upstate New York when what has apparently been deemed “Pussy Gate” exploded in the media.

As a survivor of rape and sexual assault, this has made me physically ill. I spent last night waking up every ten minutes, sweating and shaking. All because the Republican nominee for President of the United States described in violent terms how to sexually assault women.

In an effort to organize my thoughts, I made a list. Because this garbage is so overwhelmingly offensive that I can’t possibly analyze it any other way.

1. “Locker room remarks”: Fuck you, no no no no. This is what Donald Trump says his comments amounted to — the type of talk that happens in locker rooms. No big deal! Totally normal! Men talk like this! Rudy Giuliani (among others) also came to Trump’s defense and towed the same argument — “Men, at times, talk like that.” So, watch out for him too, ladies. This is so fucking harmful it makes my body shake with rage. To argue that men just “talk like this sometimes” is insulting to men and boys around the globe who see this for what it is: admitting to sexually assaulting women. Do not fucking tell me that this is just locker room banter, good fun was had by all, no harm done. Because even though you, Mr. Trump, are not one of the men who has sexually assaulted me, you described something that has happened to me and caused pain that I cannot even put into words. Men who understand consent and the definition of sexual assault have acknowledged that that is exactly what you were talking about. Vice President Joe Biden, I’m looking at you. Thank you for always being a champion for survivors. And for telling it like it is.
2. Do not fucking normalize this. This is rape culture at its worst. If you don’t know what that is look it up — I don’t have the energy to explain it to you. Do not fucking tell me, Mr. Trump, that men just say shit like this. I know men — I know a lot of good men. And not a single one of them would ever even have this as a thought, let alone say it out loud while being taped. If you and your crazy ass followers continue to argue that this is just normal boy speak, you are not only insulting the good men in this country, you are also teaching our young boys that it is perfectly acceptable to talk about women this way, to treat women this way. Like we are property and pieces of shit you can just grab when you want because we like it. We don’t like it. So fuck you. This is not normal. This is rape culture.
3. Should this stick? I mean, fucking yes. Obviously. I’ve heard a lot of people in the media ask if “this is the one that will stick.” Why are you even asking this question? If it doesn’t, we are even more far gone than I thought. I get this to a point — Trump has said a lot of really crazy shit. (More on this in a future post). But this should be different, right? It’s offensive to the American people — and the world — that this election has come down to talking about Trump’s many transgressions rather than how to actually make America move forward, but that’s where we are. Trump has offended nearly every sector of this country. But this time he admitted to raping women. So, yeah. This should stick.
4. I’m fucking terrified. I’m not writing this to change your mind if you’re not voting, if you’re voting for a third party, whatever, whatever, at this point do whatever the fuck you want. I get that a lot of people are disillusioned by the political process and I am not going to waste my time trying to explain to you why this is literally the most important election in modern history. If you don’t know that, I can’t help you. But I do need to just put this out there — I am terrified. I am terrified for my own personal safety, for my partner, for my friends, and for our children. I have a lot of thoughts on why the political system has degraded into a smoking pile of shit this election season, but at this point they don’t really matter. This isn’t just “politics as usual.” This is a turning point where we can either sit back and allow a rapist to be elected, or we can try and preserve ourselves for the next four years while the “alt-right” and the GOP figure it out.