Hi Jennifer. You’ve made a good, honest effort at introspection. Many of us have come to something akin to your position. I attended an “ivy” divinity school and was elected to conduct worship twice a week for a goodly number of years (while still working in industry) before arriving at the realization that church IS community; and community is church. I no longer sit in pews. Instead, I attempt to practice the aforementioned observation, while still reading the Bible nearly every day. (The word ekklesia, often translated as “church” came from Greek polity, and meant “those called out; or those appointed” . . . to fix the drainage problem on the road into town, for example.) Then the term was diverted to religious applications.
You might really enjoy an autobiography by CS Lewis entitled Surprised by Joy. Lewis became an atheist at a very young age after the death of his mother. He was a deep thinker and a brilliant student, getting a double degree from Oxford. (It’s been made into a movie, but the book is better.) And there’s another book by a professor from Harvard who taught one of the most frequently oversubscribed courses on campus, titled Lewis and Freud, about these two atheists, one of whom, Lewis, became a powerful Christian spokesperson who wrestled and won in the arena of belief (also discussed in another book, Lewis Agonistes, written by a man from Dallas) which is well worth exploring if you no longer have a confirmation bias about being an aetheist.
Remember, it is impossible to prove a negative such as there are no unicorns, unless you want to believe it, and then your proof will be biased. Belief is what you are wrestling with, Jennifer. We are all believers in stuff. Yes, even scientists and aetheists are believers! But on what basis? I urge you to continue to explore your path. You will make much progress because you are asking honestly.