Day 498

Morning woke up at 9.30

Called my wife (she is at her parents place for the weekend).

But all I talked to her was that she use to drink in parties and go with guys.

She told me, “I loved u and I stay with you because I thought I Staying with you will help you and gain trust.”

Cried over the phone. After telling her stuff she told me take my drastic decision which I have told her that I will take after some days (i.e. 500 days which I have not mentioned to her)

She said lets get separated. :(

If I get separated my mom might go into deep depression.

It will be a great hit on my parents emotions. My whole family rejected this inter-cast marriage and parents stood with me to get the marriage done but if it breaks, people are going to laugh at them.

So it is always better for me to take some pills and die.

After that, I went out to meet my friend who is running a start up, to see if I can get some work and make some money so that my financial burdens can be off from me by the end of 500 days. But he did not talk anything related to it.

I need to figure out someway to make money and clear my loans off by 500 days. :(

Feels like asking help from God but all I know is he might screw me real bad and have fun if I ask HIM anything. So no to asking him.

I still pray to GOD I love GOD and I know at the end he is the only Saviour but I know that he is not going to help me, rather he will just put me troubles like this shit. I do not know why?

I need to come-up with something by end of today and start working, otherwise I will not be able to make so much money which I am planning to make before I die.

I am literally screwed in my life.

I feel so bad about my life.

I have not done any mistakes to go through this. I have never slept with any girl nor I have cheated any girl but why I was cheated.

Why did I fell in love with a girl who has seen 4 guys naked and was physically close with about 8 guys.

Spent more time sleeping in bed. Watched few dirty videos to make my mind shift from what I was thinking but did not help.

I did masturbate for few times hoping that I will come out of my depressed state but did not work.

I have not eaten my lunch and feeling hungry so started cooking.

I really need to come out of my depressed state.

I should stop masturbating and watching porn. Even though I do it once in a while after I need to should stop it.

I watched Breaking Bad, Episode 10 & 11 and slept off.