Authenticity doesn’t come easy
That moment you break through a brick wall you never knew existed, until that very moment. You can’t take it back. You are faced with the choice to rebuild the wall, or experience what’s on the other side.
I came through, not with a fist, not with a foot, but tears, fear and horror. The words escaped my mouth before I fully understood the ramifications of what I was saying. Sitting on the couch with my husband and walking him through my past week’s thoughts, I finally let the words escape, the words I had known were there, buried deep, waiting to explode from the pressure I’ve felt for so long.
“You’ve been with me, supporting me and encouraging me, through this transition. Through my transition, I’m transitioning. I am trans.”
The volcano of emotions burst through my vulnerable exterior and consumed me. I was shaking so much from the fear of what I had just said.
“What did I just say? Oh my god, I just said that. What is going on, why? I’m so fucking scared. Holy shit, I can’t stop shaking.”
It was as though someone or something had pulled the words out of me or like someone put their hand on my back and released the words into the wild.
It took a few moments before I could breathe normally. I had a hard time looking at my husband, who, during this entire time, was hugging me and swimming in our collective tears. His tears however were from pride, joy and support.
“I love you… in whatever shape or form you choose. I am proud of you.”
I cannot tell you what the way forward looks like, but I know I am not going it alone. I have an incredibly supportive family. I know it won’t be easy. As I write this, I am doing it through frosty eyes and a busy mind.
This is the first day of my truth. My authentic self.
I am Max.
(Originally written April 23rd, 2016)