What goes up, must come down
(Originally written for QueerTransMen.org)
I could bring you up to speed by telling you my life’s story, but given an 800 word count and the fact that my life’s story isn’t that unique, I’d rather focus on issues I am experiencing today and prepare for the ones that are lining up to hit me square in the face.
Until recently, I had been happily floating, from the negative G-forces of my privileged roller-coaster. You know that feeling of weightlessness as you crest the top, just before gravity and reality remind you who’s boss? Yah, that. In fact, my coming out experience was so positive, I thought about buying a Staples® Easy Button, until my therapist reminded me that the honeymoon period I was experiencing would eventually end.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not delusional. Regardless of my privilege (white, married, able-bodied, employed), I knew at some point I would face adversity, discrimination, and a whole other set of issues related to my safety, mental and sexual health.
The first time I held hands in public with my husband as Max was enough to send me into a vortex of anxiety and panic. Were people looking at me? Do I look like a guy? Do I look like a trans man? If people know I am trans, what are they thinking? Are they homophobic? Transphobic?… Ahhhhh! STOP! DON’T GO THERE! I just wanted to crawl under a rock, or better yet, back into the closet. So although my community welcomed me with open arms, my anxiety kept playing nicky nicky nine doors and would leave a Trojan horse full of doubt disguised as a cellophane-wrapped gift basket. Thankfully, with every day that passes, the basket gets smaller and smaller.
How does all this relate to my sexual health? After discovering and reading PRIMED, I was left feeling as though it wasn’t written for me or other trans men like me. Being happily married with kids didn’t seem to be the target demographic for a sex guide intended for trans men into men. But do happily married trans people NOT have sex? We may not all be looking for hook ups, but our sex drive and desire for our partners didn’t just all of a sudden call it quits. If you’re like me, your sex drive may have increased or is in overdrive. For others, maybe it’s the opposite. Why? Who knows!
These are just some of the questions I’d like to explore. Not only will this allow me to connect with and learn from like-minded people, but hopefully by sharing my own experiences, I might help others articulate their feelings. Heck, maybe help someone’s coming out or transition process. Now wouldn’t THAT be something!
For now, if you’re reading this and you can relate, know that you’re not alone and the questions you have are all part of YOUR journey. And I’ll be right there with you, cheering you on and maybe making fun of myself in the process.