Are you happy?
There was a time when I thought everything you dreamed of and wished for was possible. You know what I mean — the dreams of teenagers who believe they can become the next Andy Warhol or the new Justin Bieber or whoever the kids want to become today. And on this particular Tuesday night, listening to Mexican music, drinking red wine-more than I care to admit, I realized most of the shit won’t happen. I mean I always loved to sing, but I am too shy to do anything about it. I had this image of me being 25, working a top position in big international company, wearing tight red office dress and being killer negotiator. Don’t get me wrong. I still can negotiate when I bite myself into the project. But it is nowhere close to what I had in my mind. When I hit 25 last year, it was like a truck hitting me — most of the things you wanted to achieve by 25 won’t happen. You know why? Because you are already 25 and none of that shit happen. I know. It’s a very depressing start. But you know what? Life is like that. Sometimes you are flying all in the high spheres of success, happiness, love. You feel like nothing in the world could go wrong- thou I was never one of these super optimistic people. But I used to like being alive. Doing things. And another year, you just fall all the way to the Dante’s Inferno. Being surrounded by the darkest demons, deepest thought and all you wish is to either die or find something that makes you feel alive again. I have been at both stage. I never harmed myself. But there were thoughts. Thoughts of how much easier it would be just to end it all and be done. I have lived through so much shit already. How much stuff can one person go through in one life time? You have people for whom the worst thing was flanking in an algebra class or whatever. And then you have people, who are just getting shit dumped on them all the time.
But then, there are the times you find a reason to be happy again. Something that makes you passionate. Something that fills your mind of your every waking moment. You walk around the city and think about your project. Washing dishes- do people still do that? :D, and thing about your project. You feel like if you can make this work and find your place in the world, everything that happened to you so far, will be erased or something like that. And by project, I don’t mean a guy. I don’t mean falling in love. Which is great and makes you feel alive- with all the pain, all the hurt and all the moments of true happiness. But a partner will not fulfill those needs as the achievement when you reach your goals. When you find out what is your place in the world. What is supposed to be the message you leave behind? What is the message when people google you. How many times you see it in real life or movies- people who get to an age in their life when they have everything, but still feel lost? Unaccomplished? People still tend to be judgy about it. Why a 40 year old mother should feel unfulfilled when she has a house, kids and husband to take for? Because she wants more. Having family is all great. But unless you live just for that and never had a bit of career oriented goals, you will suffer. No matter the age. The moment you hit 25, 30,40,50.., and you didn’t find the one thing that makes you get up early at the morning to do it, you will suffer. As much as I do now. I have a project in my mind. But for few more days I am still too far away from it. And I sleep till 1 pm, spend whole day at home and avoid people. Tell me, it is healthy. The only thing I can hope for, is that the new projects will kick my ass and make me wanna be alive again. Make me want to go out, make me want to work so hard I fall asleep on the way home in tram, make me want to feel alive. Because after all, if you don’t have that — the need to be alive, to strive, to enjoy. What do you really have?